DOG FOOD (BACHELORETTE RECAP)
Imagine you went on a reality show because you just knew in your bones that it would be the exact springboard you needed to finally launch your singer/songwriter career into national (maybe even international!) fame. And then imagine when your earning potential is called into question, you accidentally announce that your biggest success thus far has been writing the sappy-ass jingle for a never-heard-of dog food like you’re a C-crowd Uncle Jesse (HAVE MERCY!) and you get dragged by the internet FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE and your ex girlfriend is at home drinking rose with her friends and going to bed with a big ass smile on her face.
Like Icarus flying too close to the sun, I just don’t think The Bachelorette has turned out the way our friend Weird Head Jed expected at all.
In other news, I guess America’s second favorite misogynist just proved that this show is boring as hell without him.
And Feminist Chris Harrison outed himself as rolling deep with the patriarchy as he STOOD AND APPLAUDED Pilot Pete’s dad when Hannah admitted that she boned Pete FOUR TIMES. Literally this is the gross dad joke every weird uncle makes at a BBQ and all the ladies’ faces are like YIKES but no one really knows how to explain why it’s gross and offensive because Jesse Spano and Bell Hooks aren’t there to explain it for them.
Here’s the deal. YOU DON’T GET IT BOTH WAYS. You don’t get to shame an adult woman for exercising her god-given right to fuck and then in the same breath not only applaud the man she boned, but literally applaud HIS FATHER as if his father had anything to do with it other than birthing THIS STUD OF A SON and ew, I just threw up in my mouth.
Patriarchy is gross.
Not to belabor the point, but also, you don’t get to applaud Pete’s dad and then berate his mom for blowing him kisses and crying from the sidelines. PICK A LANE EVERYBODY.
Here’s my lane: I hope he made her come at least four times. The end.
You know what else is gross, TWO HOURS OF SNOOZEVILLE. Jesus, you guys, we need ONE finale night, not interrupted by cuts into the studio for chats. Just show us what happened for an hour and then hang out in the studio for an hour. THAT’S IT.
I am angry. I am annoyed. I am bored.
We start back at the Rose Ceremony in Greece that, if I’m not mistaken, we have literally seen for THREE WEEKS IN A ROW. Like I AM FATIGUED. Chris Harrison moves the rose pedestal back to it’s rightful position so we can begin. LOL. Hannah sends Pilot Pete home so he can fight it out with Mike for the prime spot as next Bachelor! The most notable thing here is Jed’s suit, which is POOP BROWN and TOO SHORT. Who the fuck does this dude think he is, Lyle Lovett?
TIME TO MEET HANNAH’S FAMILY
You know who absolutely slayed this? TY TY. Man oh man have I come around to Tyler. This guy that I was certain was a foolish fuckboi has really shown himself to be a humble, respectful, earnest man.
I’m just as surprised as you, girlfriend.
Tyler wore his tightest gray pants and has a big bulge. Nice flex, Ty Ty. He starts with a compliment, about how proud they should be of Hannah and how she handled herself. It’s a classy move, and the entire family is in love. He tells her dad he wants her to be the mother of his children and lead his family in faith. And that seals the deal, the Browns are Team Tyler all the way.
Weird Head Jed comes in wearing denim on denim and just blows it all immediately with his shifty eyes and circumspect attitude. It’s clear Hannah is going to pick him because of how upset she is that her family doesn’t like him and how CONFUSED she becomes for the rest of the episode. Look, she’s a child-bride, she doesn’t know how to understand the situation. If no one likes your boyfriend and there are better options—chose the better option, girl!!! She ain’t gonna, tho. Instead she gets real pouty like, I’m gonna be successful and provide for myself—stomps foot.
Jed comforts Hannah and has the perfect opportunity to come clean about the girlfriend but doesn’t.
YE GADS THERE ARE TWO MORE DATES.
This is what happens, Tyler is adorable and loving and professes his love and visions of the future and they have a super fun, happy date. Then Hannah goes out with Jed and almost vomits repeatedly on a boat and it’s tense the entire time. WHAT DOES SHE SEE IN WEIRD HEAD JED? Have we ever even heard him mumble anything interesting at all? They discuss his earning potential and he says, it’s not like I only know how to do music! Which reminded me that he is also a stripper. He literally was a "male revue dancer" at the Music City Male Revue in Nashville. Like does she even know that about him??
Back in the studio Chris and Hannah tell us to sleep well because tomorrow SHE’S GONNA GET HER ANSWERS. Honestly, I’m exhausted. I hope she and Pete get back together and clear the way for Mike to be Bachelor, the end.