MY BALONEY HAS A FIRST NAME (BACHELORETTE RECAP)
OK, let’s get it straight. This is how tall Luke is:
For perspective: Connor (who is that guy in the back who is perpetually confused) is apparently 6’6”. Mike and Tyler are both up there as well, like 6’5”? And then there’s Jed, who including his hair, is at least 6’2”, and you know what they say—the bigger the hair, the closer to God. And Hannah loves God! And then there’s Luke, who in arguably the best moment of the week, Tyler calls a “5’8” villain,” and Tyler says it with some major BDE swagger, like he almost can’t even be bothered to say it, and then he just scoffs and runs his hands through his hair and suddenly I’m TEAM TYLER. I’m an official Tygerette. Did I just make that up? Yes. But feel free to use it to start his fan club.
Look, I like a short man, I ain’t got not trouble with a short man, get right over here and motorboat me, Danny Devito! But Luke has been such an insufferable, gaslighting, manipulative, patriarchal prick this entire season that seeing him cut down to size (pun intended) really sparked joy.
In other news, Hannah walked through a field of tulips:
We saw an actual moment of true love:
And Connor continued to be shocked that a girl who he’s spoken to once is not in love with him. Will he ever recover from his 24-year-old heartbreak? See you in Paradise, sweet boi.
WEIRD HEAD JED 1:1
I can’t help but feel that sweet little People magazine helped our producers out by releasing this Jed had a bitch back home story enough weeks in advance to give us time to forgive him when he ends up engaged to Hannah. So watching all of her dates with him is pretty uncomfortable because it’s like we’re sitting there screaming “IT’S COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!”
But anyway these two are gonna explore Amsterdam. Will they go to the Anne Frank house or is that not romantic?? Weird Head Jed and Hannah walk off and Garrett the Golfer is like, “He didn’t bring his guitar, did he?” LOL GARRETT. Jed doesn’t seem to have it on him, but I have a feeling it will be delivered by a production assistant soon enough.
These two lovebirds eat chocolate, spin a top, ride a boat. They dance and hop around in a square and are so pleased with themselves that they make out. Then, just by coincidence, not set up at all, Hannah and Jed sit at a café next to a wise old Netherlandy couple who’ve been together for 54 years and are prepared to bestow some valuable relationship advice. But first, our locals must know where Hannah and Jed are from and Jed is like “we’re English.” I mean I never thought he was a Mensa candidate, but jeez louise Jed. Even Hannah gives him a wtf look and is like “we’re American.” I guess that whole history lesson in Boston didn’t last long in Weird Head Jed’s weird head.
Jed gives a cheesy toast and the old man almost falls asleep.
Hannah expresses how difficult the back and forth is and that she has to be protective of her heart. He advises her to open up. I WONDER IF THAT’S WHAT HE TOLD HIS GIRLFRIEND BACK HOME. ZING!
Dinner! Hannah’s wearing a very ugly chain mail necklace with her red power suit. Old girl loves a power suit with no shirt moment. It’s very Samantha Jones. Then she’s like “it’s so hard to be the bachelorette!” and he’s like (very flatly) “I want to shoulder your burden” and she recounts how they danced in the square and she realized her feelings with Jed ARE REAL. Then she’s like, Jed, I’m falling in love with you. He’s speechless! Worried about those girls back home and becoming the most hated singer/songwriter in English? I mean, AMERICA?
She is so excited to meet his family at the hometowns! Will she also meet his girlfriend(s)???
In positive news for all the single ladies of America, it’s really just not gonna happen for Hannah and Tyler.
They sort of paw at each other awkwardly before mounting horses, not a metaphor. They’re both pretty bad at riding horses. They eat pickled herring. He gags his up and I can’t wait for that gif. They sit on a bench and she wants to know HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE ME TYLER. But he’s VAGUE.
He’s in a merlot velvet blazer and she’s in a titty baring top. He opens up about his family and there’s zero chemistry between these two, which is sort of surprising considering how gorgeous they both are and her top. But i guess when Weird Head Jed is in the mix all you can say is, the heart wants what it wants.
Tyler gets a rose (because he’s still a better option than Garrett or Connor.)
I guess after Mike drew this picture of Hannah it was over for him
Though to be fair the professional artist doesn’t do much better:
And it’s the REAL ART that brings poor Hannah to tears, WHO KNEW SHE WAS SUCH AN AESTHETE!
Here she is crying in front of The Girl with the Pearl Earring and I just want to know has she even seen Scarlett Johannson’s breakout role in the 2003 movie inspired by the painting? HAVE YOU HANNAH?
Anyway, then she cries like a lot while breaking up with Mike because he has a great smile, a great body, and overall seems like a great guy. See you in paradise, Mike!
Time for the—
I guess they’re not going to do anything on this group date but take turns talking on an overwrought sofa and throw baloney at each other. Um, ok!
Luke drops some lie-bombs on Hannah about the bros and then fights with Garrett like a real psycho. Garrett keeps his cool like someone trying to look good on TV. I respect the flex, Garrett. Pilot Pete is gonna support Hannah through this drama and puts her on his lap for a make out. Pilot Pete gets the rose!
2:1 WITH LUKE AND GARRETT
Luke’s wearing his lucky pink checkerboard blazer. He tells her about his wild party days and him chasing “fleshly desires” and then he got in the shower and heard from god. She appreciates the lord in her life as well. She likes that he shared his “testimony.” They make out.
Then she makes out with Garrett. I’m bored. In one last ditch effort, he tells her he loves her, even though we all know that shit ain’t true. Obviously she chooses sweet, psycho Luke and he picks her up and carries her around and we can basically see right up her skirt, all the way to Jesus.
I LITERALLY CANNOT WAIT TO SEE YOU IN HOMETOWNS, Y’ALL!