HEY, KITTY GIRL
Y’all are on my damned nerves this week.
First of all if one more person downloads that face app and turns themselves into the dancing granny from the classic 1998 movie THE WEDDING SINGER I am going to climb into my oven and turn off the lights. What is wrong with you. All my timelines on all my social medias have gone from babies splashing in pools and million dollar family trips to Disney World to a straight up Shady Pines yearbook. You even made your 4-year-old take a pic with that thing, which is extra MF disturbing. QUIT IT RIGHT NOW. Put your phone down and get a mahjong group together if you wanna look old, GAH. I’m sick of looking at your wrinkly ass. Besides, Janet, you’re a heavy smoker and a champion drinker so that dried up version of your mug isn’t funny in the least. We can only hope you’ll look that good … THAT PICTURE YOU’RE GIGGLING AT IS YOUR FUTURE GLAMOR SHOT. You might want to cut back on the Virginia Slims and save that money up so you can buy an super big jar of La Mer.
THAT IS NOT EVEN THE WORST OF IT.
We made it all the way through the week one tiny little slow ass tick of the clock at a time and then Thursday night (which as of this typing was moments ago but feels like MONTHS have passed) the powers that be dropped the trailer for CATS on us. When I say dropped I’m not even trying to be hip and cool like I’m some kaftan wearing ganja salesperson from the Left Cost. I mean I think some asshole threw it down onto my actual head because my forehead is bruised, I might be bleeding, and wait am I snorting Excedrin?
Did you hear me?
The trailer for CATS.
Yes. THAT CATS.
CATS as in the the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical based on the Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats by T. S. Eliot, that ran for EIGHTEEN YEARS on Broadway (1982-2000). Which, PS BY THE WAY, was at one time the longest running musical ever on Broadway (Thanks a lot, PHANTOM). Cats gave us the song MEMORY which has been covered by everybody including Barry MF Manilow, and ushered in the super hot trend of grown-ass adults slinking around town covered head to toe in ass-clinging synthetic fabric.
It’s a legendary musical that everyone either LOVES or loves to HATE. I myself have always wanted to hate it with reckless abandon. I meannnn the story doesn’t really make shit for sense, there’s just a bunch of cats dancing around like idiots and one Liza Minnelli looking cat that everybody hates. SO WHAT. The music is stupid, the only song worth hearing again is MEMORY but hearing it one more time might make you wanna rip your ears right off your head. Honestly, the whole entire show is just all about watching a bunch of adults run around in tight fitting cat costumes for two hours. LOLOLOL IT IS SO DUMB.
Butttttttttttttttt … all that sass aside … it’s time for me to come out, own up and hand you a little truth bomb. Cats changed my life when I was 20 years old. LOL I KNOW WHAT IN THE WORLD. There I was in the front row minding my own business and living my best expensive-ticket-purchased-by-my-student-loan-life and more than one of those lycra clad dancing queens shoved their barely concealed moose knuckles into my pre-fully-realized-homo-face and THE REST IS HISTORY. Yeah, girl, CATS the musical was my sexual awakening.
In spite of all that glory … AINT NOBODY ASKED FOR THIS. Seriously. Not a one. I’ve watched that trailer no less than 974 times and I have questions.
America. What is your deal with James Corden. I can’t.
Do cats know about PETA?
HAHA I get it. Fancy people wear fur coats. That’s hilarious. BUT LIKE. A cat wearing a fur coat is weird. It’s note even okay when the cat in question is Judi Dench. Can’t you give her something else to wear? I do not like it. What’s more? Judi would never NEVER EVER wear a fur coat that is THE EXACT SAME color as her actual fucking cat fur. I might not even care about the fur coat if it were a different color, but since it’s the same color I cannot get past it. ALL I CAN THINK IS WAIT IS THIS CAT WEARING A CAT SHOULD I CALL THE COPS.
Lord. Everybody finally calms down from Tay-Tay’s big gay song, and now y’all are gonna go ahead and shove her back in our faces. This is some real type casting right here. We see the world’s most hated person for all of 4 seconds in the trailer and there she is doing the most Taylor Swift shit I have ever seen. She’s perched in some Baz Luhrmann version of a moon with a mischievous grin on her face as she sprinkles everybody with cat nip. IS THIS A REALITY SHOW? That girl does that mess all the time. Her entire career at this point is comprised of throwing cat nip in our faces. ALSO. Whyyyyyyyyyyyy is she the only cat wearing SHOES.
What is happening to Jennifer Hudson’s head?
Listen, Jennifer Hudson had it coming. Anybody who upsets Oprah deserves every single bit of misfortune that blows their way. Please never be late for Mother Oprah and super extra please do not lie to my Queen when she tries to talk to you about it and BOLD UNDERLINE ITALICS DO NOT make any of these choices during the final season of The Oprah Winfrey Show or I will always have my twisted up Whoopi Goldberg Color Purple witch hand raised up and pointed at your face. Don’t come for me about it … I saw Dream Girls more times than I care to discuss (AND EVEN IN THE DAMNED THEATRE AND ONCE I EVEN SAW IT TWICE IN ONE NIGHT). What I’m saying is whoever is in charge of squashing Jennifer’s head and giving her the very worst bangs since Shailene Woodley on the super boring second season of Big Little Lies is doing the lord’s work. You piss off Oprah, and what you get is a movie that makes you looked like a singing squashed potato dressed as a kitten. And if you do not know what I’m talking about we can’t be friends, so stop reading this right now, I don’t even like you, I never have, and you smell.
Yes, I will sleep with Jason Derulo?
And that’s really all I have to say about that.
(Except he better bring that costume with him when he comes over)
The preview is totally weird. The giant and oversized sets, that one cat who is clearly ready to be the principal ballerina for the New York City Ballet dancing every GD where looking completely out of place and moving better than any of those other fools, the weird animation movie makers continue to think they’re sneaking in to trick us into thinking Ian McKellen is still alive. AND ALSO IDRIS ELBA? It’s wild. It’s crazy. But the music swells and Jennifer Hudson scoups out those notes and AND GODDAMNIT I GIVE UP I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE IT.