SEX POLITICS (BACHELORETTE RECAP)
Somebody over at ABC is getting a raise for dragging Bachelor Nation all the way into the 21st century and dropping us smack-dab in the middle of America’s feminist crisis, amirite?!
Look, don’t even bother reading that old copy of The Bell Jar, because it’s Fantasy Suite Week! Where it’s “good old fashioned values” versus “the slut.” As Hannah wanders around Crete in her white white pants and hot pink stilettos, she is both visually “the virgin” and “the whore.” She’s thinking about that D and she’s EXCITED. But slow down, girl, this is America. If you embrace your sexuality and freedom the way men have done SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME, well, the patriarchy might just come for you and it ain’t gonna be pretty.
Honestly, I don’t think Jesus gives a fuck who you fuck but that’s just me. I’ve got a problem with believing that Jesus cares who you fuck because it means buying into a system that systemically oppresses women, people of color, the LGBTQIA+ community, and other marginalized groups, and I ain’t down with that. If you want to wait till marriage to have sex, MORE POWER TO YOU. But look, weaponizing your religion to judge and shame other people doesn’t make you nearly as holy as you think it does—I’M LOOKING AT YOU LUKE P.
But before we really get to it, I must know: Did Hannah get her teeth whitened before Greece? Because they are fucking blinding.
Well, wasn’t this the first big shock of the night! It was our boi Pilot Pete who got that sweet sweet windmill lovin’!
After some borderline excessive making out in a yacht where Hannah wears a bikini and Pete wears his jeans ON A BOAT WHAT, Pilot Pete is sunburned and thinking he’s got to tell her he loves her. Over dinner he rambles on and on about no one even knows what, until he finally spits out that he loves her and her response is:
They make out.
THEN THEY APPROACH A WINDMILL AND AMERICA COLLECTIVELY CLUTCHES OUR PEARLS CAUSE HANNAH IS ABOUT TO FLY OFF TO POUND TOWN WITH PILOT PETE. How was it????? we demand to know.
“We came together last night,” Pilot Pete tells us the next morning.
WAIT, LITERALLY OR WHAT.
Who set this date up because this is basically porn, there are entire porn channels dedicated to a lady getting a massage until WHOOPS she’s getting railed.
She’s topless because a second ago there was a nice Greek woman rubbing her back but now he’s mounted her and making out with her from behind and I’m just worried about all the cameraman erections and like GET ME OUT OF HERE THIS IS SO MUCH.
Time for dinner!
Hannah’s dressed up like a slutty tin man and Tyler’s got on his salmon sport coat. She’s like we shouldn’t go to the fantasy suite and bone because what we need is to build our emotional connection.
But Ty Ty continues forth on his campaign to be the most chill of the all chill brahs ever and he’s like, cool, let’s honor each other’s boundaries. AND NOW I’M REALLY TURNED ON.
WEIRD HEAD JED
Hoooo boy, Weird Head Jed came off looking like real asshat after this date, amirite? First he shows up in a CAMEL COLORED T-SHIRT that looks like it came from your dad’s trash but that he probably spent $150 on at the Nashville artisanal t-shirt boutique. BARF JED. And then he exposes himself as a hypocritical slut-shamey baby with no chill.
Jed and Hannah go off to hang out with a Greek family during some sort of murky celebration. Over lunch an anonymous Badass Greek Babe really puts the screws to Hannah. She wants to know if Hannah’s decided on her man yet. She wants to know how Hannah is going to decide. Hannah fumbles around and Jed sits there all moody. Then he gets so moody he has to pull her away from the table for a chat.
He demands to know how BAD GUY LUKE can still be there if GOOD GUY JED is still there. She struggles with what to say and doesn’t give much more info other than there is a connection with Luke and that she thinks he’s a good guy. He’s like thank you for talking to me about this and he’s so full of shit. Watch out Hannah, this is not how this bro is gonna talk to you when the cameras leave. Like you can literally see him clenching his jaw and biting his tongue and PLAYING THE GAME. Ohhhhhh, i hate him.
Over dinner the drama continues but all I want to know is, WHAT IS THIS BROWN LIPSTICK, GIRLFRIEND? Weird Head Jed blinks his tiny little eyes furiously when he says Luke affects how he feels about her. She frustrated because basically he’s bossing her so she leaves the table. He follows her of course. Then they hug it out blah blah it’s a bore. She’s like you need to trust me so they go to the fantasy suite to bone. My gut says he is not good at it.
Doesn’t this date start out all lovey-dovey, frolicking around the hills of Santorini? Dear, sweet, twenty-four year old, child bride, Hannah even says—
Well girlfriend, that church is teaching him ALL SORTS OF STUFF AND IT’S COMING FOR YOUR FREEDOM SO YOU BETTER DANG RUN.
With a gigantic WWJD tattoo on his wrist (how have we never seen that before??) and while wearing a giant gold cross on a giant gold chain, Luke decides now is the time to TELL HANNAH WHAT HE EXPECTS FROM HIS WOMAN. Basically she needs to keep their marriage bed pure and abstain from sex or HE IS OUT.
Now, look, I hate ALL OF THIS, but also she was cool with all that laying of the hands prayer last week, so, really, what did she expect? She didn’t expect he had hardcore misogynist values? Girlfriend. LUKE HAS BEEN TELLING YOU WHAT TO DO ALL SEASON. (Also, have you considered becoming an Episcopalian? They let gay folks in there and everything!)
To Hannah’s credit, she's having none of this. She sees him trying to steal her agency and finally she says I DO NOT WANT YOU TO BE MY HUSBAND, and America cheers! And, honestly, I wonder why he still wants her to be his wife? I am POSITIVE there is a girl at his church who is ready to let him be in charge of EVERYTHING until she finally escapes with their children into the night.
Anyway, this fool refuses to leave, which is hilarious. If I were Hannah, I would’ve just walked off set and been like, you fools deal with him. But instead she mic drops with—
OMG THEN HE’S LIKE CAN I PRAY OVER YOU BEFORE I LEAVE.
Hannah says she answers to the Lord and not to Luke and goes back for her wine like the queen that she is.
Is Hannah perfect? No. She’s 24, y’all. But I’m hopeful that this moment is a sort of awakening for her about how if you push your values to an extreme, we end up in a society without tolerance and equality, and suddenly women don’t get to decide what to do with their bodies, and, good lord, Jesus don’t want that shit, hunty.