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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

CHARLIE-SHEEN-LEVEL-DRAMA (RHOBH RECAP)

CHARLIE-SHEEN-LEVEL-DRAMA (RHOBH RECAP)

I can’t prove the counterfactual but I’m willing to bet Tom-Girardi-money that if Lisa VP were still filming with these women, the season finale of #RHOBH would have not culminated at the opening of a real estate branch. Jesus, this is depressing. At this rate, we’ll be in hanging out in a T.J. Maxx next year, sipping on Lima-A-Ritas.

As the women apply wigs and tape up their boobs before heading out to the party that Kyle and Mauricio are throwing to celebrate the opening of the 25th branch of The Agency, they reveal that they’re still on edge about Camille making totally cruel (and absolutely true) accusations about Dorit and PK’s bankruptcy. Even sweet Aaron, a lovable massive torso attached to a tiny head, gets in on it and he’s all “Don't worry, babe. I’ll protect everyone with my charming beard and surfer outlook on life.”

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The Agency party looks like it’s set in a dentist office but with stilt walkers. It’s like if Cirque du Soleil were told to create a show with $25, 15 minutes, and some baseball caps emblazoned with The Agency. It’s like if My Super Sweet 16 was downgraded to My Just Okay 47.

Teddi and Edwin arrive dressed in matching black and white, like maybe they’re going to a party, maybe they’re going to wait tables. This hot couple can do whatever the hell they want within the bounds of a tightly regulated schedule while eating right and getting at least eight hours of sleep per night.

Lisa Rinna and Erika walk in like Romy and Michele but with an old husband and a pill problem.

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And then Camille storms in like a bat out of hell, throwing haymakers, ready to fight children and the elderly. She makes a beeline for Kyle to declare that it was SHE who was in fact hurt last week when the ladies ganged up on her after she publicly humiliated Dorit over her shady finances. While she’s at it, she tells Teddi that Teddi is not worth her time. 

Rinna tries to talk to Camille and Camille throws DOWN. She feels set up by Rinna because Rinna told everyone that Camille had been talking smack and she’s convinced Rinna’s pettiness is rooted in the fact that Camille is still friendly with Lisa VP, Rinna’s sworn enemy. I’m on board with this theory. Rinna is totally sweet until you mention LVP and then she morphs into the Demogorgon from Stranger Thing.

Denise follows Camille into the bathroom and convinces her to apologize to Dorit. Who would have ever thought that Denise Richards would be the moral compass of anything but here she is, the goddamn Mother Teresa of this franchise. Or whatever the opposite of Faye Resnick is.

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Camille somehow turns off her rage long enough to coo out an apology to Dorit, which seems deeply insincere and Dorit takes note. Camille then turns around and accuses Teddi of snubbing her daughter at the airport. Well, this is a bridge too far for Denise, and she slaps on an agency hat and her best Midwestern accents and tells Camille to back off. Denise declares that she was married to Charlie Sheen so she can handle drama. If she could deal with that maniac, these women should tread lightly. Camille flounces out of the party, the bridges she burned lighting her way into the rainy Beverly Hills night. 

Fast forward six months and Kyle is hosting a charming luncheon for the women minus Camille and Lisa. Everyone gushes about how happy they are, how centered their feel, how grateful they are that Lisa VP is no longer poisoning this group of gals. But they quickly run out of things to talk about and spend the rest of the lunch shit-talking Lisa VP. These ladies may have dethroned the Queen but life is much less exciting when it’s just commoners and their bullshit. 

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SO MANY DUMB THINGS HAVE HAPPENED (HANDMAID'S TALE RECAP)

SO MANY DUMB THINGS HAVE HAPPENED (HANDMAID'S TALE RECAP)

HO HO HOMETOWNS (BACHELORETTE RECAP)

HO HO HOMETOWNS (BACHELORETTE RECAP)