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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

BIENVENIDOS A MIAMI (RHONY RECAP)

BIENVENIDOS A MIAMI (RHONY RECAP)

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We return to the scene of the crime this week.

In case you’ve had a couple too many rum drinks yourself … Sonja has just knocked her own drunk ass out of a chair and is face down on the floor under the dinner table. That shit was EPIC. Huge. She’s a real pro at this kind of thing though, since she doesn’t hit her head on the table, the 45 chairs in front of her, OR the hard AF concrete floor below. In fact she goes down with next to no drama, and then when Bethenny picks her up? She goes right back in flapping her jaws. SHE CANNOT BE STOPPED. CANNOTTTTT.

And don’t you forget it.

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My favorite part about this whole scene isn’t that Sonja falls OR that she survives with a couple bruises. It’s that Ramona and Tinsley are on their way to a bar and cannot WILLNOT be stopped. They basically step over her body on the way to score themselves some red hot Miami D. (IM TALKING ABOUT DICK, FRIENDS … and these two are always on the hunt for it).

They’re walking out as the paramedics are arriving.

YES, MOMMA.

THE PARAMEDICS.

This is a real meeting of DRAMA CLUB. Bethenny has Sonja in the bed with her and she’s holding her and asking her questions to ensure there’s no concussion. Ms. Morgan is apparently totally fine. She thinks the dudes are super SUPER HOT (which means all is well) and she’s also super OK herself and makes sure to tell them she has an allergy to dust mites. LOL OKAYYYY. Bethenny is happy Sonja is all good, but she’s happiest that Sonja doesn’t appear to be on drugs, and can’t wait to shove that right up Lu’s ass.

Lu doesn’t show up for any of this drama. I guess her room is so far away from everyone else she can’t hear sirens? I don’t know, but you bet your sweet ass Lu is the VERY FIRST person we hear from the next morning. She’s screaming for coffee and is supes upset there’s no help. Yeah. THAT KIND OF HELP. Girlfriend wants a servant, and she’s READY FOR YOGA. I never seen anyone other than Gwyneth Fucking Paltrow do this much yoga. GP doesn’t even do this much yoga.

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LuAnn BE CRAZY and her EXTRANESS is getting really deep. We learn Lu is traumatized from all that happened the night before. She knew drama was going down, but stayed away because of the way she was being treated and was worried Sonja might start something again. She’s telling all of this to Ramona while the other ladies are basically trying to figure out where they’d hide her body if they murder her. Lu goes as far as to tell Ramona the women are jealous of her success.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

LuAnn is acting like a spoiled teenager. It’s too much. I’m about ready for the BRAVO cops to show up and take her ass off of my show in handcuffs. It’s annoying. I’m not even sure how entertaining her shenanigans are anymore. She decides she wants to invite Sonja to an AA Meeting? GREAT. Last season we had Lu chasing after Dorinda saying she’s an alcoholic and now we’re going to have her chasing Sonja screaming the same. Please just go fix your life and leave other people out of it.

Don’t you worry about Ms.Sonja. She is up and at ‘em like a CHAMP. This bish clearly has nine lives. Who can drink like that and then GLOW … I MEAN SHINE LIKE THE MF SUN … the very next morning. Basically 3 minutes have passed and this fool looks runway ready. WHAT IS THAT. She only has a bruise and seems to be totally fine. She talks to Lu and they have a real honest convo. They hash it out Sonja tells her she should have just asked her to her face if she’s on drugs, and should not have brought it to the whole group. They clear the air and Lu invites Son to AA … which Sonja doesn’t have a problem with, but she’s not doing it on vacation. I LOVE EVERYBODY BUT WHO COULD BLAME HER?

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Next up on the vacation to do list? The ladies visit art galleries. Ramona leaves the girls behind RIGHT AWAY so she can go chill alone before the party they have planned later. Mario is coming AND she has a date, so she can’t be bothered with standing around all day. The ladies all end up getting free art. Tinsley gets a $5,000 paint can designed to look like a Campbell’s Soup can, Sonja gets a record, and then they all get handed autographed pieces worth $8,000 AND Bethenny buys a green stop sign for $10,000. Uhhhh … I need to get better friends.

That night? It’s not as exciting as you might want it to be. HOW COULD IT BE. Sonja has already set the bar too high. There’s really no place to go after getting so wasted you do a face plant. Mario comes to the party, he looks good. Ramona has a date … he’s cute but super nerdy. Tinsley’s sister DABNEY (who is handing out these names) visits Tinsley and we hear more crap about Scott. LuAnn has dudes over. Basically everybody gets along at the party and it feels like a slow build to another blowout with The Countess. So, I think maybe call your servants up and tell them to get the coffee ready … next week is gonna be a doooooooooooooooooooooooooozy.

DICKMATIZED (BACHELORETTE RECAP)

DICKMATIZED (BACHELORETTE RECAP)

JUNE GOES TO GRAD SCHOOL IN GILEAD (HANDMAID'S TALE RECAP)

JUNE GOES TO GRAD SCHOOL IN GILEAD (HANDMAID'S TALE RECAP)