BISH. WHET YOU DOING. (THOTS & PRAYERS FOR HEAUXS)
I don’t know if you get the Beyonce newsletter, but I woke up to no less than 9,000,000 texts and tweets and Insta posts and Facebook notifications and emails and even a telegram letting me know THE QUEEN went to GAME 3 of the NBA Playoffs last night. Yes, sweetheart, I know what an NBA is and I am aware they are in round 3 of lip-syncing for their lives. LIKE I SAID I GET THE BEYONCE NEWSLETTER SO I LEARNED A LOT THIS MORNING OVER COFFEE PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE IT’S PRIDE MONTH AND IF YOU’RE NOT NICE TO ME I WILL HAVE YOUR MANICURIST FUCK UP YOUR CUTICLES.
The Queen was at the game, but that’s not even the news. B and Jay were sitting there court side in Oakland living their very best lives (HASHTAG: BILLIONAIRES, THEY’RE JUST LIKE US). The Carters were doing ALL THEY COULD … every little thing … to act like normal ass people. She had the mermaid hair flowing and was sporting the world’s most gorgeous florescent beige dress. She was a revelation PER USUAL. Hell even Jay was looking hot as hell (she has clearly put her gays in charge of his look). Her toes were done. His hair was perfect. EVERYTHING WAS ON THE SHARPEST OF POINTS.
Some Demi Moore looking HEAUX in shiny gold boots leaned over Beyonce to talk to Jay.
First of all.
THE VERY FIRST THING WE MUST TALK ABOUT is how this person was wearing THIGH HIGH GOLD GLITTER BOOTS. I think we all know Michelle Obama has already worn THIGH HIGH GOLD GLITTER BOOTS which means if you’ve got a pair of THIGH HIGH GOLD GLITTER BOOTS you have to throw them into your fire place and warm your frontroom with them because THEYRE OVER NOW. You don’t get to just walk in here with your Michelle Obama costume like you own the place, like you are somebody, like you understand what fashion is, like you’ve been invited to the MICHELLE OBAMA CLUB FOR GOLD GLITTER BOOTS.
THOSE ARE NOT FOR YOU.
Take those boots off and then give me 70 pushups. What a disgrace. Don’t make me call your momma.
Why did this woman steal Demi Moore’s face?
I meannnn I can’t lie. I’m not mad about it. Where is Demi? What is Demi doing? Is she on vacation? Is she in hiding? Is she a farmer now? WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH DEMI WHY ISNT THIS A NATIONAL EMERGENCY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. Can we please call her up and get her on a Netflix series or Jada’s RED TABLE TALK or Wendy Williams or SOMETHING? Can she come over for coffee? I miss Demi. We need her to get back on a screen and soon. It has been WAY TOO LONG.
TEXT ME DEMI I JUST WANNA KNOW YOURE ALIRGHT.
Now. The business at hand …
I KNOW GIRL.
CAN YOU BELIEVE?
THIS DEMI MOORE FACE STEALING HEAUX LEANED OVER BEYONCE.
I SAID LEANED OVER.
She leaned over B like you can just do that, like Beyonce is a mere mortal, a REGULAR PERSON you can just lean in front of as if she’s like your mom or your sister or some stranger on the damned street.
HAHAHAHAHA WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, DUDE?
Check the rule book. This is way against protocol. It’s rule number 613: THOU SHALT NOT LEAN OVER BEYONCE UNLESS YOURE SCRAMBLING TO GET ON YOUR KNEES AND WORSHIP AT HER FEET AND SLIP AND SUDDENLY END UP IN FRONT OF HER. This is like that time Michelle Obama hugged the queen of England and all of The United Kingdom passed RIGHT THE FUCK OUT. Who is going to lean over Beyonce? BUT REALLY WHO IS GONNA DO IT WHILE WEARING A HEAD TO TOE MICHELLE OBAMA COSTUME. Why would you EVER do that? Why? WHY. Everybody knows leaning over Beyonce to say some shit to JZ is reserved for SOLANGE. AND Solange, this bitch is not.
I SAID IS NOT.
Who wants to do anything except what Beyonce asks them to do? WHO? WHAT IN THE WORLD.
It’s fine though because Bey gave this woman so much side eye one of her lungs probably collapsed. It was extra professional side eye. The kind of look they will be teaching on RuPaul’s Drag Race next season. The children will be studying this casually friendly but murderous LEWK for decades to come.
Who is this mystery Demi Moore Face thief? It’s Nicole Curran. Nicole is the wife of Joe Lacob, who happens to OWN the Golden State Warriors. He was sitting there too, which I think is somehow supposed to make us not drop 293849823749238742 bee emojis to Nicole on Twitter and Instagram, but those gold boots got me so full of rage … I can’t be responsible for what my thumbs do with my phone.
Well, the whole damned internet is on fire about it, which begs the question … HOW CAN THIS DEMI MOORE FACE STEALING THIEF MAKE UP FOR IT? Well, you know I got some ideas. SO … listen up, Nicole Curran. Here are some gift ideas for you to make up for this mess you made. Text me if you need help deciding what to do. The day is half over, you better move fast. DONT MAKE ME CALL SOLANGE.
1. A VEGGIE BASKET FROM OPRAH.
Listen, BRAH. Don’t cut your eyes at me. I know nobody wants a veggie OR a veggie basket, but if you can donate enough to Oprah’s school for girls in South Africa and I mean you give that school SO MANY MF dollars Oprah has to do you a favor? THAT IS A GIFT. What I’m saying is … have Oprah herself … HER MF SELF … deliver a food basket. AND IF YOU GAVE THE RIGHT AMOUNT THAT SHIT WILL COME RIGHT UP OUT OF HER BACK YARD IN CALIFORNIA. Yes, now that’s a gift somebody might want. THAT. That is a gift Beyonce will want. That will bring a smile to my Queen’s face. Shit I want Oprah to bring over some squash, and you know you do too.
2. AN EARLY COPY OF PRESIDENT OBAMA’S MEMOIR.
Yeah. YOU REALLY FUCKED IT UP. We got a big ask. A REALLY REALLY BIG ONE. Imma need a copy of my President’s YET TO BE RELEASED memoir. It’s coming in 2020, but Imma need it on my door step by 4pm today. I’m sorry, BEY … BEYYY is gonna need it on her doorstep by 4pm. She’s on the west coast, so you got a little extra time.
THAT’S IT GIRL. You got 2 options. WORK IT OUT.