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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

WOMEN OF MASS DESTRUCTION (RHOBH RECAP)

WOMEN OF MASS DESTRUCTION (RHOBH RECAP)

Well this season of #RHOBH just took a turn for the dark and tragic. It’s not as somber as the Taylor years or the Kim years but man, this one was a doozy. Eating disorders and destructive fires abound. A sadness creeps in that can’t be erased by excessive Botox and fillers. It’s depressing.

But first, on a positively light note, Dorit is overseeing a photoshoot for her Beverly Beach Athleisure line and her adorable son Jagger is modeling kids wear. It is such a joy and privilege to be introduced to Dorit’s assistant who is dumb as rocks. She has one job which she forgets: to bring a few pieces for Jagger to wear. She doesn’t even seem stressed. She just vacantly repeats that she forgot, like a robot on its last bit of battery life. I love that this vapid, low-key assistant is paired with the most neurotic screechy cast member on the show.  

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Dorit sighs that “Lots of time, money, and effort” went into this line, which is true. It just happens to be someone else’s time, money, and effort which is why Dorit and PK are facing a serious lawsuit over Beverly Beach.

Kyle is planning an incredible wine tasting trip for the ladies at a French chateau in Provence and she actually calls the concierge to book the rooms. I always assumed that some poor Bravo production assistant booked these vacations and the ladies just showed up but tonight we get to see how the sausage is made and it’s made with Kyle yelling over the sounds of her barking dogs into the phone about chefs’ availabilities to make snacks for the group. If you’ve ever asked yourself “What would Kyle be like as a Cathy-comic,” here’s your answer. It’s delightful but not more delightful than Camille’s stack of coupons she keeps on her counter. Displayed prominently is a coupon for Bed Bath & Beyond and I have that same coupon. 20% off BAYBEE. This is the most relatable moment in Real Housewives of Beverly Hills history.

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Okay, darkness descends. Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin prepare dinner for their girls and Amelia, who has struggled with anorexia, refuses to eat anything. She lashes out at Harry for seeming upset - of course he’s upset; his daughter is starving herself. Lisa and Harry blame each other, and their shared anguish and guilt is palpable. It’s weird jumping from this scene back to a catty ladies-who-lunch scene but such is the way of RHOBH.

The ladies gather for lunch (sans Camille or Lisa VP) to plan their Provence getaway. Even though Camille’s been invited, they’re all miffed at her for talking shit about everyone. Camille reveals that apparently Teddi gave her daughter the cold shoulder when she ran into her in the airport, which I don’t believe. Teddi is boring AF but she’s not mean to children.

Introducing a match forged in the hell-fires of Hollywood. Denise and Brandi Glanville (welcome back you hot mess) have bonded over their love of booze and terrible divorces and they meet for drinks to gossip. Brandi confirms for Denise what everyone suspects - that LVP is conniving. It doesn’t really matter anymore because LVP is not filming with anyone but it sure is refreshing to have the personification of the phrase “May the bridges I burn light my way,” back on for an episode.

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But all is forgotten soon enough as horrific fires sweep through Malibu. The women are on their way to the airport for Provence when they field calls from both Denise and Camille who have barely escaped the fires with just the clothes on their backs. And their grudges to bear.


BISH. WHET YOU DOING. (THOTS & PRAYERS FOR HEAUXS)

BISH. WHET YOU DOING. (THOTS & PRAYERS FOR HEAUXS)

A TALE OF TWO LUKES (BACHELORETTE RECAP)

A TALE OF TWO LUKES (BACHELORETTE RECAP)