A TALE OF TWO LUKES (BACHELORETTE RECAP)
Unless you’re a Tyler C. fan (why would you be a Tyler C. fan??) (Sup, girl. Sup, girl! Who says that???? ) this episode was the first of the season that was kind of a snooze. And I mean props to Hannah for that, typically we’ve started hitting all the familiar beats by episode two and there’s like an hour of filler every episode. And I know you don’t expect me to recount for you the ridiculousness that was the fight between the two Lukes. DO NOT MAKE ME DO IT!
Here’s what I will tell you—
Sweet little Hannah sure was excited about the boys roughing each other up!
Chris announces they’re going to Newport, Rhode Island and the guys cheer like they’ve never taken a geography class. No offense Rhode Island, but who could be super excited about this? Call Nicholas Sparks cause Pilot Pete says Rhode Island has super romantic vibes. Um, ok? If you’re going for a Perfect Storm / Husband Lost at Sea / Moby Dick type narrative.
Weird Head Jed gets the first one on one and says “If I had a tail I’d wag it, for sure.” UM. WHUT. Now I’m worried Jed has a fucking tail.
Hannah is in Boston (I mean, then why didn’t the guys get to go to Boston? Jed had to like commute over? What?) and she’s in a bedazzled leather jacket with a white sweater and it’s like a Cool Mom on The Town situation. She struggles through a whole “no taxation before representation” moment. She’s like, there was tea? I don’t know.
Jed arrives and they walk around Boston like neither of them have ever heard of this place or America. Uh, guys? Boston is cool as hell, what’s wrong with you? IT’S BETTER THAN ALABAMA. Hannah is super proud of herself for making up random facts about America and it’s the first time this season I disliked her. The producers are taking advantage of my goodwill with this shit. She’s not as cute as she thinks she is in this moment. Or when Jed gives her a pig nose in the photo booth.
They go hang out at Cheers obviously and the only thing to talk about here is the women in the background whose head is situated right between Hannah and Jed and this woman is my new hero because she could not give a fuck. Bachelorette, what? I‘M DRINKING BEE-AH IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY. I’m calling her Sheryl. SHOUT OUT TO SHERYL who tells her friend something SERIOUS and list examples on her fingers. I love her.
OH MY GOD they stop by a HALO TOP ice cream cart and it’s like ENOUGH with the product placements! Halo top tastes like eating air. Like what you would eat if you hated yourself. mmmmmmm! SHUT UP.
They play some basketball with some guys from the Celtics and it’s all so boring at this point that I’m online shopping and lamenting that I’m too round in the middle to wear a wide legged crop pant for summer. But I perk back up at dinner when Jed reveals HE CAME ON THE SHOW FOR THE WRONG REASONS. Assphincter say what???? And it’s just like HER FACE. If you ever want to see what a bubble burst looks like, this is it. He says forget about the music because he feels something growing in him that he’s never felt before. He’s like it’s beyond the show at this point because all I would ever need is you. Uh, calm down, you’ve known each other for 3 days.
It’s time for the bois to smash into each other!
Hannah says it’s so hot. Is it? I like ‘em better on roller skates or hanging out with drag queens. This is like a little too hetero for me.
John Paul Jones gets some good screentime where he makes crazy facial expressions and scores a goal. Kevin thinks he dislocated his shoulder and is gonna gave to go away in an ambulance. Luke goes crazy and starts knocking everyone over and attacks The Other Luke.
Time for cocktails!
Hannah comes out in like a lavender sateen suit with no shirt from the Samantha Jones collection. It’s actually really fucking bad and I cannot get over it. The rest of the night is a Crazy Luke did this, The Other Luke did that and it’s a bunch of nonsense. Garrett gets the rose, I guess because he had the balls to wear a deep pink sportcoat with khakis.
Hannah’s dockside in a fisherman’s sweater crying over Luke P. Her feelings for him are the strongest and she doesn’t know if she’s reading him wrong or right. She doesn’t want to go on any dates because she’s not alright today. CAMERA ZOOM INTO HER TEARS AND SNOT.
The producers are like, too bad, you’re going on this date! She valiantly mounts Tyler like the hero she is. He comforts her like the hero he is. And says all the right things, I want you at your highs and lows, and I can be the guy that picks you up.
I’m sorry, but I am not into Tyler at all. He’s like an aging Abercrombie model. I would cast him as the fraternity brother rapist in any Lifetime movie. Or the NYC financial dude who’s secretly got a murder room in his penthouse. He’s a bro. He’s definitely full of shit. And he’s not as hot as he thinks he is. SORRY BOUT IT FIGHT ME.
Pilot Pete is wearing a pink shirt and asks Hannah to be his girlfriend. I could see these two together, they’re cute.
Mike fights with Luke P and I’m online shopping. Mike calls him a psychopath so Luke borrows someone’s phone to look up the definition. FOR REAL.
FINALLY Hannah pulls both the Lukes together to HASH THIS OUT and good lord, we’re gonna have to watch more of it next week.