DEMOCRATIC DEBATE DOGPILE NUMBER 1
Hello and welcome to the “kids’ table” debate. Because there are approximately ten thousand Democratic presidential hopefuls, the first debate of the 2020 cycle has been split into two nights. Last night was the night for mostly second, third, and eleventh tier candidates, featuring such luminaries as Tim “Ghoul” Ryan, Tulsi “Russian Plant and Bigot” Gabbard, Bill “Everyone Hates Me” de Blasio, “Doll Eyes” John Delaney, Climate Daddy Jay Inslee, Julian “I have a twin brother” Castro, Cory Booker (Van Jones’s little brother), Amy “Mean Aunt” Kloubachar, your politics boyfriend who writes poems Beto O’Rourke, and the queen of everything Elizabeth Warren.
MSNBC was the nominal host of the debate, and we got started with Savannah Guthrie playing the fair but tough Michelle Phieffer character who is here to keep these rowdy high schoolers in line, and also to learn about life herself. Elizabeth Warren is a perfect angel and she never goes over time or screams over other people, which should set her apart from this field immediately. She was wearing magnificent purple and I love her. Beto “The Dork” O’Rourke (MY GOD AM I BRILLIANT OR WHAT) started speaking so much Spanish. Like, immediately. The question was about raising the tax rate to 70% on the 1%, and he was just like Me llamo Beto. When he got done, Guthrie was like: NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION, SHAKESPEARE. Cory Booker vaulted into the gif hall of fame with some major side-eye, because he wanted to speak Spanish first. Apparently all of the candidates decided that Warren was off limits because they want to be vice president, so instead they just whipped on Beto all night long.
All of the men shouted and hollered over each other and it was more proof that men are unfit to be president. Every time Tim “Ghoul” Ryan was on camera, it was torture. He said something about snot and I was like, what is even happening? I also need to say that high def is the enemy to men’s makeup and all of these boys need to hire a drag queen, stat, to do their makeup if they get to the next round. Aunt Amy and Elizabeth looked flawless, but the male candidates ranged from sallow to Tara Reid bronzer overdose (I’m looking at you, Climate Daddy and governor of Washington, Jay Inslee.) The only nice thing I can say about Tulsi Gabbard is that she has pretty hair. Beto looked like a teen in his confirmation suit, skinny and nervous about meeting the bishop.
The topics were wide ranging, from raising taxes to free college to healthcare to immigration to gun taking to climate change. Lester Holt won my heart by demanding they raise their hands if they support Medicare for All, and later, reentering the Iran deal. I love a show of hands, myself. Things were basically okay during the first half, and Julian Castro put Beto in the corner and wailed on him about immigration reform. Castro definitely knew his moves and the main one was just to dunk on Beto’s face over and over. As the males grew progressively more rowdy, the women faded back. Abortion came up, and Castro and Inslee were like: we love women and abortions and all of it, Katie, we are the biggest feminists in the room, we left our pussy hats off stage, can we go get them? Aunt Amy said: ACTUALLY I AM AN ACTUAL WOMAN so why don’t you shut up for one second, you turds.
Let’s talk about Aunt Amy. Boy, is she mean! But I sort of like her. She is a smirker and she definitely throws things at staffers. She’s like if Judge Judy and Elizabeth Warren had a child with moderate views. She’s got that commonsense vibe that says: you are a fucking idiot. She made a crack about Trump’s toilet tweets. That was cool.
Bill de Blasio is certainly the loudest, although not always wrong. He seems very into pushing everything to the left, but we all know that no mayor of New York can ever be president, and everyone hates him. He is so loud and he loves talking over people and his black son, who is black.
John Delaney has the smallest and blackest eyes I’ve ever seen. Doll eyes! He is also a sad loser with nothing to say. He should leave immediately.
Tim Ryan is a lake ghoul. I recently talked with a good friend who is going to boat school on the Great Lakes, and she told me that Lake Erie is the worst Great Lake and that was part of the reason why Ohio is so terrible. The other reason is Tim Ryan.
I don’t know where Chuck Todd is from, but it’s probably the same lake that Ryan crawled out of. He took over as moderator, with beloved Rachel Maddow in tow, and everything got all fucked up. There were hot mics and he kept yelling his question to Warren and she was like, WHAT, I CAN’T HEAR YOU. It was so bad they had go to break! When they came back, Todd said: Elizabeth Warren, exactly how fast will you take the guns away from every American? Warren said, dude, we will crack the books and RESEARCH this issue but there is no way you are getting me to say that I am taking guns away. Todd was like, come on, just say you’ll take them away immediately and we can move on. Liz said: no, I’m not going to say it. Then Todd swiveled to a man and was like: gun buy backs? What do you think? And then he asked Beto: are you going to actually and personally go to people’s houses and take their guns as soon as you are president, or will you wait a few days to settle in before you do that? Beto said: clearly I can’t take anyone’s guns because I am a wimp. Aunt Amy jumped in to remind us of her uncle in the duck blind and how he likes his guns and so does she. GUNS! You got ‘em, America, and Chuck Todd really wants you to think that Dems are going to come and get them from you!
The real shame about this guns section is that the vast majority of Americans support common sense reform. Even my extremely gun loving stepfather, an actual rancher, with more guns than stars in the sky, thinks that AR-15s are bad. But when you open the conversation by asking about confiscation, you are working from the NRA’s script. I also resent the way Todd reframed the question for some candidates. He is the worst, and he talks too much.
Then they talked about climate change and Jay Inslee was so happy because he wrestles the climate into submission every day in Washington state. Chuck Todd asked if democrats were going to chase everyone out of Florida because climate. It will be easier to do after they take the guns, Chuck. Everyone said green energy! Jobs! Innovation! You know, that stuff.
Ryan and Gabbard got into an idiot fight about war: good or bad? Gabbard said: I’m a vet and war is bad! Ryan said: I’m a ghoul and war can be okay, I guess. You could see the panic swell up in his eyes. It’s weird to see losers fight like this.
For the most part, Elizabeth stayed quiet during the second hour shit show. She let the losers slug it out, she didn’t attack anyone, and no one attacked her. Aunt Amy, too, was silent. The gender dynamics were wild. It was the Male Screaming Hour, for sure. More Spanish was spoken, by Booker and Castro, and Beto again. Jon Lovett (my political pundit soul mate) joked on Twitter that Mayor Pete is going to do the whole thing in Norweigen tonight, so that’s something to look forward to!
Chuck Todd had one more dumb thing to ask, which was: what is the greatest geopolitical threat we are facing right now in three words or less. China, nukes, climate, TRUMP said Inslee, and the crowd went wild. It was a bad question from a bad man, and he should be ashamed of himself.
Anyway, the big takeaways are: Beto speaks Spanish and is done, I think. Warren remains queen of the north (and my heart). Castro did well. De Blasio was loud and terrible but also right? Ghouls and doll eyes and Russian plants, please kick yourselves to the curb. Aunt Amy is mad because you didn’t send her a thank you note for that five dollar check she sent you last year for your birthday. She thought you would have better manners than that.
Tonight is round two, arguably the night with more heavy hitters. You’ve got your handsy Uncle Joe Biden, Loud Grampa Bernie Sanders (who I love but man, enough), Cool Nerdy Cousin Mayor Pete, Kamala “I love her” Harris, Kristin Gillebrand, for whom I have nothing funny, Andrew “Tech Guy” Yang, John Hickenlooper (governor? Of something? Colorado? I have no idea). Also there are people I’ve never heard of, ever. Will we see a grampa fight? Socialism? Will my Kamala get a chance to shine? Will Chuck Todd be a bad moderator or the worst moderator ever? Tune in tonight to find out! And tune in here tomorrow to watch me beta test nicknames. Smooches!!