WEIRD HEAD JED, NOW ON ITUNES (BACHELORETTE RECAP)
We’ve got some things to discuss.
1. THIS MOVE FROM PILOT PETE:
2. Tyler’s seizure:
3. This dress and THIS FUR WHAT:
4. The face this guy made when Hannah deep-throated a pickle:
5. And I guess this:
So we’re back in Latvia, and honestly, Hannah is looking a little worse for wear as she tells us how beautiful and romantic it is while on the verge of tears.
Honestly, this is stupid. Who the fuck wants to bungee jump at all, much less naked when it’s clearly freezing out, while wearing massive ugly tear-drop crystal earrings? WHO? NO ONE, BITCH. But i guess the producers know a lot better than I do because this stupid extreme sports nonsense drives the entire episode and full on meltdown from our favorite psychopath, Luke P.
Couldn’t help but note, Garrett has pimply shoulders and Hannah said later they both had underwear on, so the big scandal was that the patriarchy demanded she take her top off and press her tits against him and jump out a cable car. Um ok, I’m bored.
This terror has brought them closer together.
GARRETT GETS A ROSE.
It’s time for the stranger formerly known as Dylan to make himself a storyline in a Latvian open-air market, and that storyline is: prissy American heterosexual (???) in Burberry scarf is astounded by unfamiliar foods and Hannah deep throating a pickle.
Time for cocktails!
As soon as Tyler says when Hannah was wearing all white she looked like an angel, hopefully “his angel,” she mounts him. She’s wearing a bedazzled mood ring the size of Jupiter.
In his first musical number of the night, Jed plays the piano.
Luke confronts Hannah about the naked bungee jumping because HER BODY IS A TEMPLE. HIS TEMPLE. Then he goes master manipulator on her ass and is like, whatever you do I’m going to support you, even if you make a boneheaded mistake and do something wrong. WOOOO BOIIII. She doesn’t appear thrilled with any of it.
TYLER GETS THE ROSE.
PILOT PETE 1:1
Pilot Pete is my number one draft choice, he’s so fucking cute. Even with those stupid leaves on his head. But I’m still not sure how i feel about his hand on the chest push you down make out move. Maybe. She looks taken aback at first, because it does sort of come out of nowhere, similar to his awkward put you on the piano move, but you know what, it’s all part of his charm, I love him.
At dinner I feel like he might not be wearing socks and his pants are too short but I forgive him anything. Especially after he delivers the longest metaphor of my life, in both spanish and english, about water and rivers and knowing what’s for you, and how can be he be both so young and so wise?
PETE GETS THE ROSE.
WEIRD HEAD JED’S SONG MR. RIGHT — NOW ON ITUNES
After Pilot Peter returns, Weird Head Jed sees an opportunity to completely innocently promote his music and puts on his 90210 Jamie Walters approved sherpa-lined jacket so he can go and serenade Hannah outside her hotel and it’s a song we’ve already heard at least once and it’s pitchy, dawg.
Then he gets on her bed with his guitar and sings again, like about pulling down her pants or something? So she mounts him.
LUKE AND HANNAH PART 87
Luke continues to gaslight Hannah, she continues to participate. SHRUG EMOJI!
Luke comes back to the dudes to tell them they all need to stay in their lanes and Mike is everyone right now, dead-eyed and half asleep on the couch.
Then there’s some talk about who’s trying to be a “big dog” and it’s all way too hetero for me.
Connor is staying? LOL
Ousted Dustin delivers his one line of the season, that the only way he can figure Luke is still getting roses is that she’s already in love with him. YEESH, TOO REAL, DUSTIN.
Next week looks good, tho.