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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

BANG POW FEMINISM (BACHELORETTE RECAP)

BANG POW FEMINISM (BACHELORETTE RECAP)

Are you telling me it doesn’t matter how pretty you are, how young you are, how perfect your body is—straight men still don’t give a shit about what you have to say? Unless they are the God among men, Chris Harrison? Is that what you’re telling me?! Has all this hair and makeup and clothes and waxing and Botox and Spanx and teeth bleaching and eyelash serum been for nothing? HAS IT ALL BEEN AN ELABORATE RUSE?

All I know is if a girl as gorgeous as Hannah can’t get a bunch of dudes to listen to her actual thoughts and ideas on a TV show expressly set up for said guys to woo her, then whoeeeeeee we’re in more trouble than we thought. I thought this was only happening to me because I’m a thirty-nine-year-old, average-bodied, feminist, single mother. But even motherfucking Hannah can’t get a bro who’s left his entire life behind, ostensibly to marry her, to ask her a question about herself.

SO WE DRINK.

SO WE DRINK.

Hannah really rolled into this episode as a surprise feminist. IS SHE INTERSECTIONAL, WE DON’T KNOW YET. But while she had some “I’m a strong woman” moments earlier this season, it all sort of sounded like 90s girl power fluff to me. But tonight Hannah really became my sister: a straight woman who wants to date men but then finds herself slamming up against the reality of men. They’re telling her what to do, they’re not listening to her, they don’t trust her to make her own decisions. Honestly, this realization is pretty astute of her, that she’s not looking to be treated like a dumb little lady when she’s supposed to be in the position of power. (Though part of me worries that’s because when she gets dat ring the roles will be quickly reversed and she might be okay with that.)

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Anyway, we’re back with Luke and Hannah at dinner, she can’t give him the rose, blah blah. Luke is like a shocked CrossFit robot. She’s wearing the ugliest heart earrings. They look like those white tags you get at Ace Hardware to label your spare keys. She says he needs to go home and that he should respect her decision.

WILL HE?

I mean have you even been watching? Of course he will not. Luke wanders towards the Scottish woods and I’m praying for him to reach Craig Na Dun and be spirited off to the olden days where he will redeem himself as a Jaccobite warrior and Jamie’s closest ally.

This is your weekly as long as we’re in Scotland we’re gonna talk about Outlander moment. DEAR GOD JAMIE HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WRITE THIS RECAP WITH YOU IN THAT POND. LOVE YOU BOO.

This is your weekly as long as we’re in Scotland we’re gonna talk about Outlander moment. DEAR GOD JAMIE HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WRITE THIS RECAP WITH YOU IN THAT POND. LOVE YOU BOO.

But of course he turns around and returns to the castle. And honestly I don’t even know what they’re talking about now? I’m so embarrassed. He’s yelling some shit from across the room, I guess in place of having a personality? He’s like I genuinely want to marry you. She’s thinking about that. I guess it feels good to be wanted that much? But girl. LOL.

Back at the hotel they’ve got the guys waiting up for Luke’s return. The most important takeaway here is that Luke has a monogrammed suitcase. Luke returns and tells the guys that Hannah said this was the worst one on one she’s had. Lol, good lead in, brah. The guys are mean to him which seems a little overly dramatic. Then we have to follow Luke to a church so he can pray. Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly far far away from here.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Hannah rolls in with a white brocade coat draped over her shoulders, like who does she think she is, Lucille Bluth? HERE FOR IT.

She gives a toast about wanting to share herself and wanting the guys to share themselves and they’re all like SNOOZE. Garrett brings up Luke immediately and then there’s a whole bunch of drama about Luke “keeping their names out his mouth” that I can’t even go into because I’m too ashamed of humanity at this point.

The guys continue to fight until Hannah loses her shit in a very inspirational way if I do say so myself.

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She’s like I’m a grown ass woman and I can make my own decisions. She’s like focus on yourself and then focus on me. She’s like you all make me feel psycho, not just Luke! She’s like none of you know me, I don’t want to talk to any of you! It’s sad.

Tyler gives a speech about how Hannah can’t enjoy her last night in Scotland and they are messing it up completely! Pilot Pete says no more drama! No more holleration hateration in this dancery! 

ROSE CEREMONY

Some strangers we’ve never seen go home and it doesn’t have a ton of impact since we don’t know who they are. BYE BITCH.

And then Hannah gives the boys a scolding and you know I am HERE. FOR. THAT. Who knows, she might be pegging them by the end of the season if this keeps up.

HANNAH’S CRISIS MANAGEMENT SITDOWNS IN BOTH LATVIA AND THE BACHELOR MANSION

We arrive in….Latvia? And Hannah’s not sure if she can continue, and look, I’m not sure if I can continue either, sister. Right there with ya. Let’s go start a commune.

Chris, ready to right this ship, sits Hannah down in multiple locations to figure out how to move foward. She’s feeling hopeless. She doesn’t want to give her heart to someone who doesn’t deserve it. Then she talks about how her ex byfriends damaged her “for years” and I’m like, girl, you’re 24. Hahahahahhhahaa 4 ever. I mean give me a Bachelorette in her 40s when the specter of death really hangs low.

Next thing you know we’re back in the mansion and Hannah’s thrown in a ponytail and some sequins to recap the season so far with Chris. What? Why? Chris says this is gonna explain what happens next or something. Um ok, or you had some air time to fill because next thing you know they’re recapping shit we just saw 45 minutes ago. CHRIS, I REMEMBER.

We’re forced to hear about a pimple she had (Bachelorette’s, they’re just like us!) and that Luke is the best kisser (dickmatized!) and like even ABC Cam gets a package. I hate this I’m so mad, but then they give us a real meaty teaser for the rest of the season, and y’all, it looks amazing. Luke P is like, “Let’s talk about sex, the marital bed should be kept pure,” and I’m DYING. And look what this heaux is gonna do to her hair!!!!

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WEIRD HEAD JED, NOW ON ITUNES (BACHELORETTE RECAP)

WEIRD HEAD JED, NOW ON ITUNES (BACHELORETTE RECAP)

BETHENNY: BOSS ASS BITCH (RHONY RECAP)

BETHENNY: BOSS ASS BITCH (RHONY RECAP)