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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

BETHENNY: BOSS ASS BITCH (RHONY RECAP)

BETHENNY: BOSS ASS BITCH (RHONY RECAP)

These bitches are still in Miami. Can you believe it?

Shall we review? We’ve survived Sonja faceplanting at dinner, the most uneventful party Miami has ever seen, and LuAnn’s ever-growing ego. Throw in Ramona having two dates at the party (one of which included her ex-husband), Dorinda leaving a security tag in her new bathing suit, Barbra disappearing on a morning run, Tinsley having to talk Sonja out of pissing in her bathtub, LuAnn not having coffee delivered to her yoga mat, and Bethenny buying a $10,000 green stop sign.

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Friends! I AM TIREDT.

Your girls are also tired, and they clearly had way more fun than we did at that party because they’re barely moving and are stuck in bed wearing sunglasses. Bethenny is doing a little vacay review of her own. In fact, she puts on her BOSS BITCH pants and does her best to clean up all the messes in Miami’s MOST GIANT glass house.

First: Sonja.

B thinks she’s on edge and might need to settle down and get it together, so she sends her off to an AA Meeting with The Countess.

Second: Tinsley.

Bethenny is ready for T to move on from Scott and basically hand delivers a dude to Tinsley’s feet and even texts him from Tinsley’s phone to make it all happen.

Third: Barbara.

Bethenny takes Babs by the shoulders and tells her she’s being a Debbie Downer. B tells her to BUCK THE FUCK UP BUDDY AND GET IN THE GAME. Bethenny doesn’t actually say BUCK THE FUCK UP, BUDDY, but it’s definitely implied and HOLY SHIT I really wish she had.

Speaking of Lu … I mean aren’t we ALWAYS? You’ve been watching her the whole season. You saw her refuse to let go of the JOVANI drama with Dorinda. You saw what a monster she was about her Halloween cabaret show. You watched her drag the ladies to watch a 900-year-old woman do a cabaret show in the woods of Upstate New York. You heard her demand coffee on her yoga mat, and a masseuse, and refuse the fish room. You know this girl has been EXTRA all season. So, it won’t surprise you that when she and Sonja join the other ladies at a poolside cabana after the AA Meeting … she creates DRAMA.

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Sonja gets emotional and wants to go back to the house because seeing and hearing the people at the AA Meeting really stressed her. I think real people without Morgan money are too much for our girl. I’m pretty sure she, uhhhh … doesn’t like seeing poor people? She’s crying and talks everyone in to going back to the glass house.

But Lu? NAHHHHHHHHHHHHH … she’d rather go swimming at the beach.

Fine, I mean Lu can go to the beach and swim. It’s cool. But then she’s gone for hours when the girls thought she was coming right back to the house. Lu takes a detour on the way back to see her self on a poster at the theatre she’ll be performing at soon. Also cool, except we’ve been watching LuAnn basically stare at her reflection all season so when she looks at the poster like it’s a perfectly prepared steak … it’s hard to not let your eyes roll right out of your head.

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Back at the house the ladies are gossiping about how absent and careless Lu is being with all of them. They’re annoyed that she stayed at the beach alone all day and didn’t come make lunch with them. I mean probably they really aren’t, but also … when you’re pissed at somebody you hate everything they do. SO, THEY REAL MAD AND DO THE MEANEST RICH LADY THING A RICH LADY CAN DO: they decide to pay her back by making sure she’ll be the last to get the hair person and the masseuse.

The ladies get ready and go to dinner … and once they’re seated Lu complains that she was the last to get a massage and felt rushed and everyone was in and out of her room and also had the hair person last and they had to leave early so she ended up doing her own hair. Barb interrupts to tell LuAnn that she stopped her life to help Lu and Lu hasn’t checked in on her once.

ALERT ALERT ALERT: BABS HAS WOKEN UP FROM HER LU COMA!

Babs keeps going and the other ladies support her and then also go in on LuAnn. The conversation slowly gets heated and at one-point Tinsley pipes in telling Lu that she never sticks up for Babs. Tinsley slurs her words a little and LuAnn makes fun of her.

The others lose it, and Lu acts blindsided. She thinks she’s being bullied for doing well.

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Then BOSS BITCH Bethenny gets in the driver’s seat here and comes for LuAnn. She asks her when the last time was she checked in on her about Dennis. You guys, obviously the answer is never ever. Bethenny keeps going and lets LuAnn have it telling us all the messy details of trying to save Lu’s life. She got lawyers to help her on a Sunday, interfered with the police keeping her arrest and dashboard camera video away from the press, told us of Lu running through a field in a negligee.

It’s so much info I had to rewind it like 4 times to hear it.  

At this point Bethenny is up screaming across the table saying she helped her get sober, and her fiancé helped her and now he’s dead and LuAnn never once reached out to check in on her. Bethenny goes into a full-blown panic attack.

TO BE CONTINUED.

DICKMATIZED (BACHELORETTE RECAP)

DICKMATIZED (BACHELORETTE RECAP)