DICKMATIZED (BACHELORETTE RECAP)
This week marks the official kick off of the Mike for Bachelor campaign
and Hannah really shows her age as a twenty-three year old gal who thinks she can twist herself all up to make some dude be what she wants him to be. Whoops!
Call me in ten years, girlfriend. By then you’ll know that a relationship should never be this hard AT THE BEGINNING. Wait till you’re five years in and you can’t stand the way he clips his toenails and can’t forget that time you saw the skidmarks in his underwear or you hate his mother so much but like she’s ALWAYS AROUND GIVING YOU ADVICE. Then is the time to make this face.
We return to the scene of the Luke on Luke crimes that literally no one cares about. Hannah is like you two fools talk to each other. Then she kicks back like Oprah on the couch and takes it all in. Luke P continues to lie. Eventually Hannah just gets up and the bois are left grimacing on the powder blue Downton Abbey parlor sofas.
Time for the
Of course Luke S steps out of line before the ceremony can begin because he MUST TALK TO HANNAH. Mike says that “Luke S is fighting for his livelihood as a man.” Um da fuq? Those words do not make sense, Mike. You’re gonna have to do better if you’re gonna be my Bachelor. Luke S gives Hannah some prescient warnings about the right reasons and then BOOMSKI, MIC DROP, he’s out. I might buy some Luke S tequila just because I like this exit. Bye bye, Luke S, we hardly knew ye!
Luke P gets the final rose and we are all just as shocked as John Paul Jones is by his elimination. There are some people still here that we’ve never even seen (Devin? Kevin? Who the hell are you?) and yet JPJ has been ripped from our collective bosom? I cry one solitary tear over this.
TIME TO GO TO SCOTLAND!
Buckle up, folks, it’s time for a bunch of dummies just saying words like this is Scotland Scattegories. Hannah gives us an embarrassing Mary Queen of Scots analogy, but Hannah is not going to get beheaded, she says. CAN YOU BE SURE, HANNAH? TRUMP IS PRESIDENT. If the guys suck, she’s going to throw them to the Loch Ness monster. The guys rename Luke the Luke Ness Monster. JESUS CHRIST. Clearly not one of these people have ever watched one episode of Outlander and it shows.
Mike is super smiley and happy and skips around Scotland with Hannah in a way that seems very genuine and likable. He even eats haggis! An Englishman laughs at him for it and says, “God, no, I wouldn’t eat that.” I really love that guy and I hope I see him when I’m in Scotland in August.
Mike and Hannah kiss on a bridge. Post haggis! If that’s not love, I don’t know what is. In a patented Bachelor move, Mike makes a speech about being scared of love but being READY FOR LOVE.
Mike gets the rose.
Hannah’s looking for a BRAVEHEART (GET IT?) so the guys are gonna participate in some Highland games. Tyler is the only one who can get his ax to stick. Pilot Pete is real enthusiastic and cute. Weird Head Jed dumps a bucket of milk on his head. Um, ok. The guys are gonna wrestle and let us see their twigs and berries. I mean, thank you, but you know you can wear underwear with a skirt, right? I do it all the time.
TIME FOR COCKTAILS OR MORE LIKE HANNAH’S HOT MAKE OUT SESH(ES)
Lord Weird Head Jed and Lady Hannah are a couple of idiots. She mounts him. Slurp slurp slurp. Pilot Pete shows up with some unexpected moves and mounts a pool table. He’s adorably awkward and sexy. He’s my number one draft choice BY FAR.
Then Hannah steals Pilot Pete’s move and gets Tyler on a bed and makes out with him. SHADY LADY.
Hannah’s at the top of a cliff. I hope she doesn’t jump off.
Luke and Hannah proceed to have the conversation of people in their young twenties where no one says anything of real value for hours and everyone is frustrated. Hannah is so dickmatized by Luke that she is going to give all this drama her all. NOT SURE WHY. I mean last night she had three hot guys making out with her all over the place, who needs this shit? She’s like losing her mind because she doesn’t think he’s being real with her so I don’t know why she doesn’t just embrace that yeah, he’s not real.
TIME FOR DINNER
Apparently this whole conversation is about whether or not Luke is being authentic or if he’s put walls up for the cameras. She’s like I want to know about your relationship with your dad and whether or not you like mac and cheese and he answers with I LOVE EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT YOU. It’s all ridiculous and she decides not to give him a rose so we can see him praying in a Scottish church next week. I hate you Chris Harrison!