HALLOWEEN FROM HELL (RHONY RECAP)
It’s Halloween in New York City.
Friends, let me tell you … there is no scarier place to be on All Hallows’ Eve. I was there on October 31 last year and as soon as the sun went down I ran my ass back to my room and went to bed. Every damned body is wearing a costume (LIKE EVERY SINGLE PERSON … EVERY SINGLE ONE) and looking like something out of a slasher movie. I didn’t like it one bit. You can almost convince yourself Times Square is cute and fun with all those people and lights on any random day of the calendar, but once they’re all dressed like a zombie …. Uhhhhhh … nah. BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME … the ladies of NYC ain’t scared of a little Halloween in the Big Apple, they’ve gathered for a performance from one Ms. LuAnn de Lesseps.
LOL … I say everyone, but you know Ramona isn’t there. Nah, girl. We don’t see her on Halloween night because her costume is probably inappropriate. You know she’s trolling for D while dressed as a sexy witch somewhere on the Upper East Side. She can’t be bothered with LuAnn’s little Halloween talent show. OHMYGOD, I still have PTSD from last year’s RHONY Halloween episode where Carole pretend smoked during a party and Lu showed up in black face. The producers are trying to erase that mess from our minds. This year we’ve got Sonja in a sexy nurse costume and Dorinda in a black sequined jump suit. That’s all fine and good but BEST DRESSED of the night goes to Bethenny who arrives in an all-white angel costume. She looks like a Victoria’s Secret Angel. We’re talking giant wings the whole shebang. Runner up would have to go to Babs (EYE ROLL), who I mostly want to punch in the tit and send home EXCEPT she’s killing it dressed as Slash from Guns & Roses. Fine she can live another day.
Just kidding I can’t stand her. SHE’S FIRED.
Where is LuAnn you ask??? Well, she’s upstairs in her dressing room getting her hairs did and face beat. She’s dressed as a sexy nurse too I guess? I think that’s what she’s trying to be? There seems to be a whole “insane asylum” theme going on at this party. Lu though? She’s giving us Nurse Rached-linebacker realness while hiding out with her glam squad. Just kidding guys, she’s obviously “rehearsing” (CAN YOU SEE MY FINGER QUOTES AND EYEROLLS AS I TYPE) songs she’s been singing for the last decade. This one is out of control.
Lu has told the girls she’s going on at 11pm. Meanwhile? They arrive early in the evening thinking they’re going to at least get to hang before the show. In face, everyone is sitting around waiting for the performance FOR HOURS thinking they’re going to talk to LuAnn, but she’s AHEM rehearsing. They’re all restless and don’t understand why she doesn’t come down and say hello, since she’s performing so late. I meannnn … even a 20-year-old probably understands that an 11pm show on a school night is late and maybe a little crazy and they would come say HEY GIRLS. Right? But this is LuAnn we’re talking about. Bethenny finally has enough with the waiting and leaves around 11:15 so she can relieve her babysitter.
RELIEVE HER BABYSITTER. Stars! They’re JUST LIKE US!
The show starts at 11:30. It’s seriously just two songs. Nobody hangs out with Lu after, they basically rush out immediately SINCE IT’S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT ON A TUESDAY. Of course, the first thing Lu asks about is if Bethenny showed up, and has a hard time believing she went home to her daughter at 11pm on a Tuesday. This comes up again a couple nights later at a dinner. Bethenny, Dorinda, Tinsley, and Sonja all decide LuAnn’s diva behavior is getting out of control and is suffering from delusions of grandeur. Finally, the tides are turning and the ladies have had it with Lu’s BS. I can’t wait for this fight. We need some fireworks and I’m pretty sure Bethenny is gonna strap on those angel wings and give them to us. I can’t wait.
What’s up with Tinsley? She’s at home chewing the scenery with her mother of course. They review last week’s Big Apple Circus fiasco from the comfort of their silk robes on the couch in a penthouse hotel room in Manhattan. YES THAT WAS SHADE, COULD YOU FEEL IT? Seemingly MINUTES after being dressed as a sexy nurse they’re all: Why was the circus so emotional for T? Why is Scott so terrible? Why are men so terrible? Why can’t T just have a man and a house and a kid and all the money in the whole entire world and everything she ever wants right this minute why why why why why???? BUT MOST IMPORTANT: why can’t T just return to her glory days and run around town and do charity events for a living. Good questions, girls, but what I really wanna know is WILL YOU PLEASE CALL BETHENNY AND ASK FOR HER THERAPIST’S PHONE NUMBER Y’ALL NEED HELP. Maybe call Jesus. He might be the only person who can save you now. Listen, I heart Tinsley. She’s fun, but she might be totally clueless and have zero self-awareness.
Speaking of therapy sessions … Dorinda has moved. She picked her new apartment on her own and nobody from her family got to see it before she moved because she didn’t want to hear anyone’s opinions, DAMNIT. The new place is fine I guess? It’s a three-bedroom apartment but has that tiny squished NYC feel. I heart NYC real big and all but living there looks like a nightmare. This woman is rich and she lives in a hall closet for god’s sake. It looks like she loves it though as she gives John a tour and tells him her decorating plans. He get a little pushy with talk about where he’s going to put his stuff, but she tells us she’s feeling super independent. She even says she’s not making a guest room because when people come to visit they can get a hotel room. Honestly I totally get that attitude. I have a second bedroom and there’s no bed in it. GET A ROOM, GIRL I GOT NO SPACE FOR YOU. Though … she’s been with John for a while, are they on the rocks? They look to be a little more detached than usual? Though maybe that goes back to him being a weirdo a couple seasons back. D probably told him to stay off the show. I’ve never really understood their union, but whatever makes my queen happy makes me happy. John seems like an abused pet to me. She only wants him around when she needs him. Whatevs, I just wish D had a sexier place to live. Even Tinsley’s hotel room looks more open and spacious than this place.
Uhhhh … are you ready to get super uncomfortable?
Ramona is hosting a charity event for NY Loves Kids, a nonprofit dedicated to ending child sexual abuse. Everything looks to be going well … and then Ramona decides to stop the party to introduce her guest of honor: Bridie Farrell. I don’t wanna judge anyone’s name but like WTF. That’s some real East Coast Old World BS. Bridie. SAY WHAT? Any who … Bridie … B-R-I-D-I-E (lol I can’t stop laughing) whose name Ramona cannot ever pronounce correctly and mispronounces as she begins her speech. Don’t be shocked, this is a woman who can’t say GUACAMOLE. Sonja talks over her to correct her and calls her a whore (AT AN EVENT FOR SEXUAL ABUSE SURVIVORS) and then Dorinda interrupts and the ladies bicker back and forth a little and then Bridie tries to tell everyone what NY Loves Kids is and the bickering continues and I die of a stroke because I’ve never seen something so embarrassing and messy in my whole entire life … and you know I’ve seen every episode of this show ever. IT’S TERRIBLE.
Lucky for us, next week we’re at Lu’s place in Upstate New York. I hope you’re taking your vitamins. It looks like it’s gonna be a real stinker.