HAPPY-ISH CAMPERS (RHOBH RECAP)
Nothing feeds my soul like a RHOBH packing montage and tonight I’m feeling spiritually renewed as I watch all these rich, prissy divas pack for one night of luxury camping. Lisa Rinna has packed nine outfit changes while Kyle is bringing a coat of armor meant to ward off bears, ticks, and anyone gunning for her center spot in the opening credits. But count on Denise Richards to bring a purse with some muffins, tequila, and probably a pair of crusty underwear that she shoved in there the last time she felt the urgent need to boink her husband in the bathroom of a Taco Bell during a romantic date night.
Though Kyle and Dorit were fighting last episode about PK’s insensitive comment towards Kyle, PK texted to apologize so all is well. For now. For now all is forgotten because the ladies are taking an RV to a grocery store and they are jazzed to see how common people eat. It’s immediately clear that none of these housewives have set foot in a grocery store in a decade. They fawn over carb products like they’re exotic novelty items and buy $700 worth of groceries, like they have the intention of eating anything but Xanax and tequila.
The ladies arrive at their campsite where they find luxury tents and an onsite masseuse and I’m beginning to suspect that my permanent residence is more camping than this camping trip.
Over the years, I’ve learned so much from Erika Jayne: How to pat the puss; how to lube up to get into a latex jumpsuit; how to get rich by marrying a man who is 1 billion years old. But tonight I learned my most valuable lesson from Erika: How to shade people by dramatically eating chips. The women are complaining about Lisa Vanderpump’s absence from all group activities and Erika’s like, “Look (crunch). I care about you all (crunch). I don’t care about scheming (crunch), Machiavellian (crunch) women. So let’s have fun, just us gals (crunch, crunch, crunch).” If those crunches could talk, they’d say, “Watch the throne, Lisa VP, cuz Ms. Jayne (if you’re nasty) is looking to get you disappeared off this show.”
The ladies head over to a rock climbing wall where Camille casually drops that the last time she wore a harness was for her ex-husband, Kelsey Grammer. Erika is like, “She’s talking about a strap-on (crunch).” Ok, fine, she’s not eating chips anymore, but it feels appropriate.
Then these fools attempt to barbecue their dinner and I’m surprised no one died in a horrific grill accident. For once, Dorit proves herself useful by shoving everyone aside and manning the grill. Dorit is also unnaturally good at beer pong and rock climbing. It’s almost like she’s practicing to live a simpler life - a life where she and her husband have defrauded investors, racked up millions in gambling debts, lost their home, and must survive on the fringes of society with only their wits and fake accents. All hypothetical, of course.
Over dinner, St. Denise Richards, high priestess of not giving a fuck, reveals that she took her beefcake husband Aaron for a happy endings massage because he was the only man she’s been with that has never had one. The other women are awestruck. Then she reveals that she herself has had a happy endings massage and you can practically see the botox on the faces of the other women imploding inwards. The women are also confused by what a happy ending massage means for Denise until Erika explains that it’s getting eaten out (crunch). Denise seems genuinely surprised that anyone would be genuinely surprised that she’s into dirty massages and I have to remind myself that yes, this woman was married to Charlie Sheen, dark lord of sleaze, so she’s operating on a completely different plane of decorum.
Then Camille pokes at Teddi for being a know-it-all and condescends to her that she is smart for someone young but needs to listen more and talk less. Teddi is getting rashy and flustered as she is wont to do when she feels attacked but the ladies have more to drink and move on. (for now) The next morning, they board the RV and literally sing Kumbaya all the way home. It’s a happy ending to a mostly happy trip, but not that kind of happy ending. Get your head out of the gutter, Denise...just kidding. Keep it right down in there. We love you for it.