YOU BETTA WERQ (A MET GALA READ)
Last night was the FIRST MONDAY IN MAY!! If you don’t know what that means, just log out of whatever it is you’re using to read this and slowly walk into traffic. The Met Gala has become one of our favorite events. You can watch from the comfort of your phone, you don’t have to sit through any dumb speeches or awards, and you can watch Netflix while it happens to you. WHAT A PERFECT NIGHT.
The theme was “CAMP: NOTES ON FASHION” … sounds fun, right? We were pretty sure it would blow our weave back, but it was pretty … AIIIIIIIIGHT this year. Some looks were big and wild, but it’s really hard to outdo Frances McDormand’s wackadoodle look from 2018. We’ve been reading the reviews of what went down and a lot of folks are up in arms about the looks not being exactly “camp.” Ehhh … I’m not sure being exactly right is ever the point of The Met Gala, but y’all go right ahead and have your rage stroke and die early ... we’ll be sure to light a Yankee Candle for you. We think maybe it’s just supposed to be fun (feel free to google FUN, losers) … and while it might not have given us goosebumps … it was definitely A GOOD TIME.
We picked some of our faves and some of our favorites to trash … and had FUN reading them … what are your favorites? Tell us everything.
JO: Gaga is everything. Every. Single. Thing. She changed looks three times (THREE TIMES) on the carpet into the event. She’s magic. I LOVE.
AG: She can do whatever the fuck she wants. The only person who actually truly understands CAMP.
JO: Somewhere Jackson Maine is proud AF. In the shallowww shaaaaallllooooowwwww in the .. oh sorry, I’m still addicted.
AG: Kylie’s look is very Lil Kim at the MTV Movie Awards circa 2006. But we know nobody loves appropriation more than those damn KarJenners.
JO: I’m speechless.
AG: Kendall has done the exact right amount of work to her face. Seriously, she better stop right now. STOP IT. She’s really serving Gritty Vegas Showgirl Realness and I’m ok with it.
JO: I’m serious. I don’t even know what to say. They’re a beautiful disaster. I’m exhausted.
TOM & GISELLE
AG: What’s camp about this? The velvet and Giselle’s horsehair?
JO: This picture fills me with rage. How you gonna come to the Met Gala dressed like straight white people when you’re straight white people? Where is Bob Mueller when you need him … INDICT THESE BITCHES.
AG: Agreed, this is some basic basicness in its most basic form. I’m ashamed.
AG: Who da fuq is this?
JO: It’s Kascey Musgraves. She’s a country singer? She’s gorgeous and I’m sorta inter her music. She just won 472 Grammys. The baby gays love her. This is some Barbie thing? It’s aiiiight.
AG: Oh yes, I know her name. I don’t care about trench coat Barbie. You won 472 Grammys and this is the best your stylist can do or you? I could get this at Lost Treasures Costume Shop.
JO: I know, right? The Gay Twitter lost its damned mind and I’m like … so…………………..
AG: YASSSSSS. This is everything and I love it. That soft makeup and hair next to this witch ruffle, to die for. Hex me, bitch!
JO: Yeah. I love this hard. She’s like my favorite new Disney Villain. I stan.
AG: Honestly, if you’re not queer, basically you’re not slaying this red carpet. Speaking of, why didn’t you put RuPaul’s pic in here? Because you knew I’d feel really conflicted about it?
JO: WHEW. RU. I love him, but I just didn’t care about his look last night. I know he’s not gonna do drag but … what a snooze.
AG: Jeremy, he had a fucking fuschia zebra on his shoulder. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
WE’RE NOT SURE WHO THIS IS, MAYBE A FANNING
AG: Is this one of those damn Fannings dressed up like I Dream of Jeanie?
JO: I don’t even know who this is. I put it in so we could laugh at how boring it is. When your manicure is the most exciting part of your outfit … GO BACK HOME.
AG: That ponytail is giving me a headache.
JO: I think it’s safe to say she has a headache too. She looks like she’s got about 2 minutes before she drops.
AG: I feel like Joan Didion wore those pants back in her Cali dayzzzz.
AG: This is out of my comfort zone.
JO: Looking at this is like watching a Ryan Murphy show:
1) Ohhh cool what is this?
2) Ohhh GOD what is happening.
3) WOW I’M BORED.
4) OMG. Is that a penis.
5) Huh. That was OK.
If you look at it long enough he fades into the carpet.
AG: No commentary on the entire internet will ever beat that assessment. Bravo!
JO: HE LOOKS LIKE A GLITTER DICK.
BETTE MIDLER & BETTE MIDLER 2.0
AG: Imma need you to take the lead on this one.
JO: This picture is the WIND BENEATH MY WINGS.
AG: Honestly I’m not gonna talk shit about Bette, but also MEH.
JO: WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP AND SAY YOUR PRAYERS.
AG: This is so fucking stupid and I love it. Put this bitch in a live action Beauty and the Beast, she’s a walking and talking candelabra! Honestly, love her or hate her, but Katy Perry understands CAMP. She’s been serving it for years.
JO: She’s a mess, but I think I love this? I go back and forth. I LOVE THIS. I HATE THIS. I LOVE THIS. But yeah … she gets it so I’m aiiight with it. It’s weird how exciting and boring it is all at the same time.
AG: You can take the girl outta Vegas…
JO: Celine is a goddess. She can do whatever she wants. I MEAN OBVIOUSLY. She’s 50 and she’s wearing a beaded curtain from her bathroom in Vegas.
AG: Celine is a great big snooze for me like all the time, sorry about it, she ain’t my diva. This outfit is like a spangled car wash.
THE OLSEN TWINS
AG: What’s camp about this garbage bag drapery?
JO: I think they’re wearing the same thing they did last year … just inside out. I’m almost not even kidding.
AG: It looks hot. Like yeast infection hot.
JO: Great. Now I’m itchy.
AG: I dunno, I mean I want to like Kim, but dude, she looks like a blow up doll. People should do what they want, but the plastic surgery is like off the rails. I’d be more excited to see a drag queen do this tiny waist and hip pads / ass / giant squashed tits.
JO: I want to see her sneeze.
AG: YES PLEASE. This fucking weirdo. I love this.
JO: Was this his alternate outfit for last year?
AG: It’s so fucking funny. Every time I see this fool I think of this episode of My So Called Life where Jordan Catalono was assigned a tutor and he read it and was like “Brain? Brain Krakow?” Hhahahaha, i’m laughing right now. This asshole.
JO: I just want his wig for myself. You can keep the rest of it.
AG: You don’t think its his hair????? It’s such a beautiful blow out.
JO: No it’s his. I just wanna scalp him and glue it to my head. WHILE I KISS HIM ON THE MOUTH.
AG: Man, these half and half illusions really fuck me up. Like they’re hard to look at?
JO: Yeah, it breaks my brain. I love it so much though? I think this one is my favorite.
AG: Who even is this? Explain for the old people.
JO: !!! It’s Michael Urie of Ugly Betty fame. I love him so much.
AG: Oh! I mean I know who he is! Sorry it’s hard to tell when he’s a HALF MAN HALF WOMAN and it’s not the Drag Race runway, so I can’t even get a close up or a Michelle Visage commentary.
AG: Bow down, she is our fucking queen.
JO: I love her. This is amazing. I salute you, Queen!
AG: My nipple hairs have never gotten this long, but more power to her. (Fire me! That was terrible!)
AG: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away. I don’t know where my soul is. I don’t know where my home is.
JO: Everyone is screaming about this one, but likeeeee … I liked his Oscar dress more.
AG: Girl, i could not agree more. That’s exactly right.
JO: She has flown too close to the sun for me.