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Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

THE HANDMAID'S TALE IS COMING BACK, HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

THE HANDMAID'S TALE IS COMING BACK, HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

Here we are, about a week away from the start of season three of Hulu’s The Handmaid’s Tale. The season comes back on June 5th, dropping three episodes in an attempt to maim yours truly. I thought we could do a little catch up here to refresh our memories about events previously on:

June

First she escaped via the underground femme road and spent time reading the Mueller Report and wishing she had paid better attention when they were outlawing abortion in the South all the time. She and Nick boned down a few times, and she got real dick hungry. Then she ended up getting to see Hannah, her child, and hang out in a country home and listen to Oprah on the radio. But then she went into labor and shit that kid out all by herself, and then she got recaptured. Back to the Waterfords she went, the dummy, and she and Serena Joy went on a real rollercoaster. Finally, she had the chance to leave Gilead with her baby, but instead chose to stay and bring down the system. OH OKAY, GURL. YOU DO YOU!

The Waterfords

Devil Fred narrowly survived the suicide bombing of the new Red Center (in a real cacadoodie move, if you ask me.) While he was incapacitated, Serena Joy went full Mrs. Woodrow Wilson and attempted a whole bunch of reforms. That all eventually backfired when Serena Joy got her finger chopped off for reading in public after she tried to reason with the Gileadean council of dicks. Before that, she went to Canada with Devil Fred and flirted with a sexy American spy, smoked cigarettes, and had feelings. Then she gave June her baby, because children are gross. J/K that’s not why she gave her the baby. She gave her the baby because Gilead sucks for women and she just now noticed that. I also just remembered that the Waterfords did an off-off-off-off Broadway revival of “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” in the country house in front of a captive audience of June.

Marthas

The Marthas just went hog wild, setting fires left, right, and center as cover for June’s escape. We’ve known that Marthas are probably the best, but now we can also say that they start fires, which makes them even better.

Emily

Went to the Colonies, straight poisoned Marisa Tomei, and for whatever credibility stretching reason, was returned to Gilead with her radioactive ovaries. Then she was assigned to Commander Bradley Whitford, who is the cool hipster Commander with a crazy attic wife and stolen art. He has wild taste in music, too. Aunt Lydia came to visit and Emily went HAM on her and stabbed and threw her down some stairs or whatever. Turns out, Commander Bradley Hipster thinks Gilead is rotten, even though he helped engineer its economy, so he jammed out to some Annie Lennox and took Emily to the drop off point to Canada. June thrust her baby onto Emily because she is irresponsible.

Aunt Lydia

Tortured June and the other Handmaids to make a point. Did a lot of prenatal visits at the Waterford house. Got stabbed and kicked and thrown downstairs (or whatever) by Emily. Did not die.

Janine

Her crazy ass was sent to the Colonies and then returned. Her baby, now owned by the Putnams, was having failure to thrive and so they let Janine cuddle it. She’s still crazy, though. Poor thing.

Luke and Moira

Moira escaped to the Great White North, where Luke was busy watching the CBC coverage of Gilead. Life continued apace, until the Waterfords visited Canada and Luke punched Devil Fred, which was the one cool thing he’s ever done.

Nick

Continues being the fucking worst. He got married to a child bride, but he was totally gross and cruel to her, because he LUBS JUWNE or whatever. Then he smuggled a packet of Handmaid letters to Canada and gave them to drunk Luke, but did not tell him about all the sex he’s been doing with June. He frowned so much and sulked and just eyebrowed all over the place. Then his child bride fell in love with a Guardian and then they were both executed by pool drowning and I’m laying that square on Nick’s eyebrows, because BOOOOOOO, NICK!

The Show

Season two marked the first season of being “off book” for the show. As such, my faith in the show has waned considerably. As you can tell, there was a lot of escape/recapture/escape/come back narrative. A real hamster wheel of plot futility. Emily returns from the Colonies (I mean, really????????? What good would her toxic ovaries do?) Janine returns from the Colonies. June escapes and is recaptured and then escapes again and maybe again? I can’t remember. Too many escapes. On some level, I get it. You have a world and you have characters and you need to use both. But on the other hand, it forces June, in particular, to behave in dumb ways and also to turn into Action June, which is my least favorite.

Based on the previews for this coming season, Action June is going to be in full effect. Looks like AJ is assigned to Commander Bradley Hipster, gets to hang out a ton with Serena Joy, smoking cigs and planning the overthrow of the government. The show seems to want to sell the LUB between June and Nick as wonderful, but I ain’t buying, show. Get the fuck out of here with that!

Meanwhile, we have THE BOOK. St. Margaret Atwood is releasing a sequel to the novel in September. WHAT WILL HAPPEN????  I applaud St. Atwood for her charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent in this move. She is doing like a complete reverse George RR Martin. She gets that sweet consulting producer money AND she gets to write her sequel. So many monetary streams, bitch. She is the true winner here, and in my heart. You better believe that I will be reading The Testaments the exact minute it comes out.

We shall see how this third season goes. I have middling to low expectations, truth be told. I guess you can read my recaps and see if I just spend the whole season dunking on this bitch. Stay tuned and Nolite te bastardes Carborundorum.

SONJA MORGAN: BEAUTIFUL DISASTER (RHONY RECAP)

SONJA MORGAN: BEAUTIFUL DISASTER (RHONY RECAP)

SHALLOWEEN (RHOBH RECAP)

SHALLOWEEN (RHOBH RECAP)