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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

SONJA MORGAN: BEAUTIFUL DISASTER (RHONY RECAP)

SONJA MORGAN: BEAUTIFUL DISASTER (RHONY RECAP)

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YOU GUYS.

Can Sonja hear my thoughts? I’m not normally a paranoid person, but I’m starting to wonder. I’ve been thinking this show is in the toilet and might need a cast shakeup to get it back on track. HOW COULD I SAY THIS?! Well, you saw that last episode. The most exciting thing that happened last week was hearing about Ramona’s mother’s funeral. Yeah. Dead people, like super dead people were more exciting than anything currently happening on the show. I’m confident Ms. Morgan heard my complaint and said … HOLD MY SKINNY GIRL MARGARITA, BITCH.

Girlfriend dialed up the drama and excitement this week, and I don’t know if I should be happy or afraid.

We begin at CABARET (DRINK) rehearsal with Lu. She’s serving casual cabaret (DRINK) star realness. There’s no fancy makeup, and no statement necklace. We’re getting black jeans, black top, and supes casual hair. She’s prancercizing her way right through a set for her upcoming Christmas Cabaret (DRINK) and POOF Sonja shows up for a little visit in the middle of the deepest and smokiest rendition of Jingle Bells that has ever been. Sonja glides into the rehearsal room and says it’s because Lu is alone and she’s worried about her being locked away with her cabaret (DRINK) peeps.

LOL NAHHH …

Once the camera pans around the rehearsal room we see what’s really going down. This room is dripping with gays. SO MANY GAYS. It’s practically Fire Island. Me thinks the combined power of all these gays (including Billy Strich who used to do orchestrations for Liza) pulled Sonja here like a magnet. She had no choice … she was zapped here by gay magic.

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Sonja is talking and talking and talking and making jokes and dialing up the bitchiness in attempt to attract a new gay BFF. Girlfriend is at a 12, she’s super extra, but it’s hard to be mad because she’s so cute and also I’m gay so I AM LOVING THIS SHIT. Lu is maybe not enjoying Sonja, but who can tell these days. Lately the Countess always looks like she smells a fart. Loving it or not … rehearsal goes sour once Lu unleashes a bit about Dorinda.

“Dear Diary” chirps LuAnn, “Dorinda apparently didn't get enough love for the introduction to Jovani. So, in humble appreciation for the gift that keeps on giving, I'd like to present my friend Dorinda Medley with the first-ever Jovani award for magnanimous glamour.”

Uhhhh … It’s a joke I guess, but it ain’t funny and Sonja calls her on it. You can say a lot about Sonja, but she knows what’s up. Why would you put Dorinda anywhere near your cabaret (DRINK) show right after FINALLY sorta kinda smoothing everything over with her?

Then LICKETY SPLIT we’re at a Christmas Tree lighting ceremony hosted by Dorinda. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh … anyone want to tell me how one gets called upon to host a tree lighting? I love Dorinda, but shouldn’t that go to someone who has actually done something? Like maybe make a movie or mow your own lawn or something before you get to host a tree lighting?

Anyone?

Anyone?

Whatever. It doesn’t really matter since so much tea gets spilled at the ceremony we’ll all be drowning soon and nobody will remember its Christmas.

First? Tinsley, who is apparently desperate to get a storyline and keep a job, tells Sonja that Ramona has been making out with Harry. Not a super big deal since Harry is kinda gross, but this is the second time one of the ladies has taken one of Sonja’s dudes (remember Tom of Tom and Lu … yeah he was once Sonja’s too). BUT THEN T goes on to tell Sonja that Lu thought Sonja was acting erratic at cabaret (DRINK) rehearsal and might be on drugs. This gets Sonja so pissed she tells Dorinda that Lu is planning a Dorinda/Jovani joke for her new Christmas cabaret (DRINK). See? The tea is DEEP and really stirs the EVERYONE-IS-SICK-OF-LU’S-ATTITUDE-DRAMA with Sonja promising to turn up her manic behavior and Dorinda threatening legal action if she ends up in the cabaret (DRINK).

WHAT A MESS (lol omg tbqh i love it)

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Tired yet? Good. We’re going to Miami.

I know. Miami? Really? I’m not sure if Bravo is like we’re keeping the trip domestic this year because this season is going to be crap, or if Lu’s parole means she can’t leave the states OR WHAT. But Miami? Maybe that death boat in Columbia really stressed them out last year and they want to keep it safe and mellow and super beige?

Who knows.

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But what I do know is the house they’re staying in is so beautiful I want to hump it.

LIKE. WHOA.

And the ladies agree with me.

Everyone is blown away when they get to the house. It might be the most beautiful house they’ve ever vacationed in, it’s certainly better than whatever was happening in the poop elevator house in Columbia. Once everyone drags their 993 bags inside this super sexy pad Sonja gets herself a drink and they all run around worrying about which room they’re going to sleep in … WTF.

Luckily? THERE’S NO FISH ROOM.

It doesn’t get too out of hand, actually. Sonja and Ramona decide to room together, so they can get the master suite. Things get a little weird and white-privilegey like usual with Ramona and Sonja forcing a couple of the butlers to help them unpack while they narrate their outfit choices. It’s a lot. IT’S ACTUALLY SO FUCKING MUCH. Sonja really acts like an ass here and can’t manage to say this dude’s name. It’s cool though because DRINKS ARE HAPPENING SO MANYYY DRINKS.

When Bethenny finally arrives, I know how could she not be here these bitches wouldn’t be this out of control if she was at the house, everyone sits down to dinner. That’s when it REALLLLYYY becomes clear that Sonja is SHIT FACED. Girlfriend is ranting and raving and eating out of serving dishes. It’s a mess, a mess you cannot look away from … and the dinner chat quickly turns to a screaming match about Harry and Tom and Lu’s attitude and it gets so screamy LuAnn goes to her room to … I don’t know … pray she can stay sober through the weekend.

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Bethenny goes up to Lu’s room to get her to see that she’s alienating everyone and drowning them all in cabaret (DRINK). It doesn’t really go well? Lu is pretty sure she’s not being an entitled ass, so Bethenny comes back down to dinner and Sonja is REALLY a disaster slurring words and threatening to knock Bethenny out … and when Bethenny tells her to go ahead and do it … Sonja sorta half swings and dramatically falls out of her chair and hits the floor. It freaks everyone out and they call an ambulance and … TO BE CONTINUED!!!

A TALE OF TWO LUKES (BACHELORETTE RECAP)

A TALE OF TWO LUKES (BACHELORETTE RECAP)

THE HANDMAID'S TALE IS COMING BACK, HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

THE HANDMAID'S TALE IS COMING BACK, HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW