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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

SHALLOWEEN (RHOBH RECAP)

SHALLOWEEN (RHOBH RECAP)

This week on RHOBH, Camille’s magical Hawaiian wedding has concluded, dances were danced, drinks were drank, Mauricio probably smoked another joint, and now all that’s left is for the women to sit around a breakfast table looking at food they don’t plan on eating and talking shit about Lisa VP. Camille flounces over and coos that she’s upset that LVP didn’t come to her wedding. Lisa Rinna, who is powered by vitamin drips and destroying LVP, grows younger and more beautiful every time some slings mud at Vanderpump. Soon, she’ll morph into one of her own daughters.

On the bus ride to the airport, the ladies (minus Camille) learn that while Camille was trashing LVP to them, she was also talking to People Magazine about how much she loves LVP and how she understands why LVP didn’t come to her wedding. Immediately, Lisa Rinna shrinks down into a withered old crone and almost dies. As she gasps for life, she manages to blurt out that Camille has been bad mouthing Dorit, because no one says nice things about LVP and gets away with it. The ladies are confused and annoyed that Camille has been two-faced, but you’d never guess it from their expressions because their Botox only allows them the facial range of ripe melons.

We now take a sad left turn where Lisa Rinna and Kyle go for mammograms together because Ladies Be Shopping, amirite guys?  Kyle has a panic attack while waiting for her results. Her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when Kyle was 30 years old and died from the disease. It just so happens that today is Kyle’s eldest daughter Farrah’s 30th birthday so this all feels eerie and morbid. I’d say don’t go for a mammogram on your kid’s birthday but what do I know. It’s all fine in the end and the ladies proceed to get ready for Farrah’s party, which is on Halloween, and thusly the holiday has been renamed Farrahween. It’s just like Halloween but spookier because your mom and dad dress up like Hugh Hefner and a Playboy Bunny and very few people are wearing pants.

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Faye Resnick comes dressed as sexy Hermione Granger and this...is not what J.K. Rowling wanted. My favorite costume of the night goes to PK who dresses as Karl Lagerfeld. What better punishment for being a fat-phobic, hateful man than having PK dress as your likeness. Good on you PK, you slobby potato. You sure showed Karl.

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Lisa Rinna shows up to the party dressed like Erika Jayne and stays very much in character all night. When Kim Richards arrive, Rinna is unhappily surprised. I’m not sure why she’s surprised because Kim is Kyle’s sister and Farrah’s aunt but logic has never been Rinna’s strong suit. Rinna is still hurt that Kim returned a stuffed bunny that Rinna gifted her for her granddaughter years ago. Sure, Rinna may have thrown a drink at Kim, spread rumors that she was dying, lied to her face, etc… but the BUNNY YOU GUYS.

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Rinna refuses to speak as herself, only addressing Kim in character as Erika Jayne, calling her actions “cunty” (a former “edgy” catchphrase of Erika’s) and talking about herself in the third person, like “Rinna is still upset.” Its DEEPLY uncomfortable. Denise gets in on the action defending Lisa Rinna which is odd because Rinna has been attacking Kim tonight. Kim is like one of those kids that is always bullied everywhere they go. They seem vulnerable and easy to upset and they always try fighting back which gives bullies more fodder. It’s bringing back very triggering memories of middle school and I don’t like it.

Somehow Kim gets Lisa Rinna to speak in the first-person and they agree to forgive each other. Fine, Kim. You can forgive Rinna for her misdeeds. But I’ll never forgive her for talking about herself in the third person. She ain’t Lebron.

THE HANDMAID'S TALE IS COMING BACK, HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

THE HANDMAID'S TALE IS COMING BACK, HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

LABOR PAINS AND PAINS IN THE BUTT (BACHELORETTE RECAP)

LABOR PAINS AND PAINS IN THE BUTT (BACHELORETTE RECAP)