LABOR PAINS AND PAINS IN THE BUTT (BACHELORETTE RECAP)
SURPRISE SURPRISE SURPRISE HANNAH B. IS THE BEST BACHELORETTE SINCE KATELYN. I know! I can’t believe it either. But this is how I know for sure: it’s Memorial Day, it’s my kid’s birthday, I had to host a party, I’ve had a sore throat since Thursday, I threw up at lunch time, I waded through a thunderstorm to the immediate care only to be misdiagnosed with a UTI and still I LOVED THIS EPISODE. I was like : BAM : SHAZAM : WHAM : bring me some Doritos and Bagel Bites (it’s pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at suppertime, when pizza’s on a bagel, you can have pizza anytime…) cause Hannah is knocking heads and I am HERE. FOR. IT.
Well, Hannah and Dr. Mary, who I’m also here for. Is it bad that basically I want to throw away my entire life and become Dr. Mary? Hooking douche bags up to a labor pain machine and then cranking it the fuck up, while screaming, NO CAM THE GESTATIONAL PERIOD IS NOT 2 WEEKS IT’S FORTY FUCKING WEEKS YOU FUCKING IMBECILE.
If that’s wrong, then I don’t want to be right.
Honestly it’s pretty early in the season for ye olde Bachelorette to be speaking her truth and putting the bois on blast. A lot changed this week, previously secure mens became insecure and vaguely threatening babies, and I am inspired to note my current power rankings:
#1 HANNAH / DR MARY
#2 PILOT PETE
#3 WEIRD HEAD JED
#4 MISCARRIAGE MIKE
#305 LUKE P
#248,975,938,948,571 ALWAYS BE CAMPLAINING
We start out on my favorite sort of group date where the mens get to experience life as a woman for one second, decide it’s omg hard, and then discard that bullshit and return to their comfortable lives of privilege.
The guys are going to start with a little pop quiz about pregnancy and boy are they a bunch of dummies. Footloose Tyler says he doesn’t know much about pregnancy other than the “…baby gets bigger and bigger and the girl gets hungrier and hungrier…” and he says it like he’s just had a stroke because basically he is a very handsome creepy person, you know like Marky Mark in FEAR and GOOD LORD THIS IS NOT A MAN TO PROCREATE WITH.
Jed is the only one who gets “placenta” correct and Hannah exclaims he knows his way around a woman’s body! I mean, uh, maybe? Like I’d have more confidence if he’d yelled CLITORIS! or G SPOT! or CUNNILINGUS! Like placenta might’ve been the right answer but it’s still pretty much the very last thing I actually need my man to know about.
Then the men have to wear weighted pregnancy bellies and walk around. They can’t believe the strain on their backs! They have to diaper and comfort baby dolls. They get to wear clothespins on their nipples to simulate breastfeeding, which as someone who has actually breastfed, it’s not really like that, but still I was on erection watch in a very exciting way for a minute. Then it’s time for the labor simulator (which Dr Mary says is very accurate). Cam is a real spazz obviously. Tyler trying to keep childbirth sexy is ridiculous, Hannah likes Jed, she gives him the best comfort. John Paul Jones looks like he’s never seen the sun and is ready to cry before anything even happens. He totally loses it. And we get to see his O face:
Time for cocktails!
Jed steals her away first and they throw chicken nuggets off the roof because it’s 2019 and this is the state of romance in America.
Then it’s time for Miscarriage Mike and his “vulnerability” which I’m still real uncomfortable about. He reveals his ex had a second trimester miscarriage, which I dunno, I would be SO FUCKING PISSED ABOUT if I were her. Should he be allowed to have feelings? Yes! Should he be trying to bag a girlfriend on TV with this story that really is his girlfriend’s story? JESUS NO. Did you have to deliver a baby during your second trimester Mike??? Oh, no, you were just like around? But maybe like not around enough by your own admission? Like Jesus Christ, what is happening here.
I really like(d) Mike and I’m hoping to forget this entire scene, except now he’s Miscarriage Mike to me, so I dunno.
Also, Cam lurks around the whole time like a real asshole. He keeps coming in over and over and it’s tiresome for everyone. Good job. Cam goes to cry to John Paul Jones, who is not wearing socks. Then Cam tries to have a staring competition with Jonathan while John Paul Jones eats a chicken nugget. That’s a real statement. That’s literally what’s happening. BRING BACK THE LABOR MACHINE.
Hannah gives Miscarriage Mike the rose because he was bold by telling that story. This is how I know Hannah is 23. Like girl, that wasn’t really hot, it was an invasion of another woman’s privacy and exploitation of her pain. Ugh.
UH OH HANNAH IS IN THE HOSPITAL LOOKING GORGEOUS and Connor is just sitting around, looking pinched, talking out of one side of his mouth. He goes to Hannah’s bedside and she’s like, “I fainted,” and he’s like “My mom had a stroke in Utah.” They make out.
She sends him away so she can go back to sleep. He leaves post its all over her room that say things like “your beautiful smile.” His handwriting looks like a serial killer’s. THE ROMANCE.
It’s a photoshoot. OR IS IT.
It’s also a stake out! Demi’s there again, she’s gonna catch one of these brahs up to no good! And it’s SponCon! It’s a Secret Life of Pets 2 commercial! Whatever!
Joe is dressed up like a mouse or a cat or a rat, not sure, and is crawling around smirking and holding a rat and I want to have sex with him, I don’t know what this says about me and don’t really care, cause it was hot. Fight me.
Hannah and Pilot Pete make out in front of the other bros, I didn’t even see an animal.
Luke P starts losing his mind while wearing a purple headband. This is not the first time when I’ve wondered if maybe he’s on steriods? He’s unhinged. GET ON MY BACK AND BALANCE WHILE I DO A PUSH UP RAWRRRR! Like, fuck off, bro. He tries to walk her to the dressing room and now we’re introduced to Boss Bitch Hannah who’s had enough of his shit. She’s like, I’ll talk to you at the party brah. Then at the cocktail party she tells him it’s annoying when he tries to flaunt their connection to other guys and he’s wild-eyed as fuck. She’s like, “You don’t respect that I have other relationships and that bothers me, you have confidence but it’s like cocky and I don’t like that at all.”
WHO KNEW SHE HAD IT IN HER??
She’s like, I want it to change. I’m wearing a sequined romper.
He’s totally confused. He says, “I’m going to act like this conversation never happened.” And that’s why Luke P is a psycho. Because this is what every woman wants, the balls to tell you how she feels and then for you to ignore her because you don’t like it. Then he chases her around this furniture store or wherever they are and she’s like, “I want to call my own shots. I’ll talk to you when I’m ready to talk to you.”
It’s pushing Luke and the pink lining of his blazer over the edge.
No cocktail party cause it’s gonna be a TAILGATE! The bros are so excited they start hitting each other and farting.
Cam is spinning his wheels and losing his mind because no one likes him. Wanna know why I don’t like Cam? Because he is like a normal looking dude you’d see on Bumble and you swipe right and you have a normal enough conversation, maybe he’s a little quirky, but it’s cute, and then you take time out of your busy life to meet up with him and he’s like, I have something serious to tell you about, it might be a deal breaker, and then he’s like “When I was twelve I almost had my leg amputated and my grandma died and I had to rehome my puppy and I’ve been writing letters to the other guys here, is that weird?” and you’re just left like, Jesus, I could’ve had my bra off and been watching Queer Eye and cross-stitching, what the fuck is wrong with you dude?
Mike puts Cam on blast to Hannah for using a sob story to get to her heart. POT MEET KETTLE.
Also, this is Footloose Tyler doing some sort of tailgate shenanigans and I’ve watched this gif 3,000 times—he pulls the pad, right? to make her fall? Why? I’m still watching it, I’m disturbed honestly.
Hannah walks in and all the guys scream about how amazing she looks and I’m like, does she? There are way too many sequins. Too much makeup, lipstick, bejeweled lanyard, red, it’s all a no. It looks like Shirley Maclaine went to the Grammys.
Some dude name Mateo accepts a rose and l’ve never seen him before in my life. LOLOLOLOL.
It’s a good thing Cam wrote those letters because it’s time for him to go. He cries.