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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

BLOWING SMOKE (RHOBH RECAP)

BLOWING SMOKE (RHOBH RECAP)

If you’ve ever asked yourself “What Would Jesus Do?” look no further than Denise Richards. She has the answer. On this episode of RHOBH, Denise reveals that a few years ago she invited her repulsive slug of an ex-husband Charlie Sheen to Thanksgiving dinner, and part way through the meal, he divulged that he left a hooker waiting in his car outside. Denise, never one to judge, responded that she’ll “set a fucking plate” because hookers deserve a Thanksgiving meal too. BAM! Denise is the Son. Hell, she’s also the Father and the Holy Ghost. I’m Jewish so I don’t know what I’m saying but I’m doubling down on this hypothesis. Don’t @ me.

In the returned-dog-gate saga we never wanted but we absolutely deserve for tuning in each week, Lisa VP takes a polygraph that she commissioned to prove she never sold stories to Radar Online. And to no one’s surprise, Lisa passes the lie detector test for which she wrote the questions and paid the administrator. This is all the evidence I need to implicate Lisa VP in the college admissions scandal, and I don’t even know if her kids went to college.

While Denise heads off to Connecticut to film a TV Christmas movie with Patrick Muldoon, and Erika is off on tour, and Lisa VP is building the world’s most boring case for martyrdom, the rest of the ladies jet off to Hawaii for Camille’s wedding.

Camille has bad taste in friends. For reasons unbeknownst to anyone, Camille has asked Kyle to be a bridesmaid. Kyle barely gets her dress in time, complains about the style and fit, and eschews any bridesmaid responsibilities. No one seems mad though because everyone is too busy being aghast that Lisa VP backed out of the wedding, especially because she and Camille are, like, such good friends you guys, even though they’ve only ever really made small talk.

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Camille seems like one of those problematic people who say things like, “Other women don’t like me,” but in this case it might be true because her women friends are terrible people.

But Camille is also kinda detestable. She’s been so quiet and placating the past few seasons, but let us never forget that this is the woman who held the title for most hated housewife of all time after season one of RHOBH. That doesn’t just go away. And her narcissism and condescension are slowly creeping back like a

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In a surprise twist I NEVER saw coming, the ladies sit down to dinner with their spouses and Mauricio Umansky is stoned out of his mind. Everyone is amused. Even my spouse who happened to be walking by the TV at this very moment, tittered. Mauricio is basically this kid and it’s so entertaining:

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I could watch a whole hour of Mauricio and Denise just going about life - Mauricio stoned and Denise in her normal state of mind. They’re both American treasures.

Later on, Kyle reveals that she found out that Lisa VP took a lie detector test and all the women make that surprised face Dorit makes when you accuse her of something, or give her a gift, or say hello, or show her an apple.

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They all agree that even if the polygraph showed that Lisa was telling the truth, they still wouldn’t believe her because she’s a shady person who has been in bed with the paparazzi for years. The ladies work themselves up into quite a lather and once again we’re talking about stupid dog-gate. Everyone PLEASE just smoke some of what Mauricio is puffing on. We’d all be better for it.

NO MORE CABARET (RHONY RECAP)

NO MORE CABARET (RHONY RECAP)

ALYSSA EDWARDS IS HERE AND THAT IS LITERALLY ALL I CARE ABOUT (BACHELORETTE RECAP)

ALYSSA EDWARDS IS HERE AND THAT IS LITERALLY ALL I CARE ABOUT (BACHELORETTE RECAP)