NO MORE CABARET (RHONY RECAP)
Season 11 of The Real Housewives of New York City is bumpier than the sobriety of Luann de Lesseps. YEAH. THE SHIT IS UNEVEN AND ROUGH AND … I’m tired but like this summer’s new season of The Bachelorette … I CANNOT STOP WATCHING.
I love nothing more than an episode of my housewives where we end with drama and a big fat TO BE CONTINUED flashed across the screen. That’s where we ended last week. It always feels like maybe somebody’s going to get slapped, take off their spanks, talk about their moisturizing routine OR … eat a steak live on camera. That shit never happens though and there were no big reveals when we returned to Lu’s round house in the middle of GODKNOWSWHERE, NY this week.
NOTHING. YOU GUYS. NOT ONE DAMNED THING. It was … dissappointing.
So I’m dubbing this episode the BIGGEST waste of a TO BE CONTINUED episode in the history of the housewife franchise. Likeee … OF ALL TIME … for any of the shows that have ever existed in the history of any city ever. IT WAS SO LAME … I mean nobody got beat up in a closet or threw a dog into a kill shelter or nearly died on a boat ride in Columbia or ANYTHING.
All we have is … Lu is … delusional. That’s it. We know this, and we don’t need a TO BE CONTINUED to figure that shit out. Lu also has Lisa Vanderpump’s “I DON’T APPOLOGIZE DISEASE” so we know not to expect one of those either. Luann doesn’t think she was wrong my wanting Bethenny see her perform on Halloween … even though she performed later than she said she was going to and even though the “performance” was in the middle of the night on a Tuesday. Bethenny, no surprise, will not let Lu get away with her attitude about the whole thing OR the shitty stuff she said to the other girls about her leaving early to tend to her daughter (which I guess is an excuse Lu does not believe). They go back and forth. EVENTUALLY? Lu apologizes.
Girl, I know.
The trouble is even Lu’s apology is about Luann. Bethenny accepts the apology because what is she supposed to do otherwise? Just be mad and bitchy? WE’VE SEEN THAT ONE … it’s called all of SEASON TEN. Which reminds me to give B an internet and imaginary high five. Bethenny has been a lot more kind this season than I can remember maybe ever. She’s hard and aggressive and unrelenting just like always (WHICH I LOVE SO DONT AT ME, BITCH), but there’s a kindness that goes with it? Who knew that was even possible you guys. I like it, I’m into it, and I’m back on Team Bethenny after last season’s CAROLE MESS.
Anywho … the TO BE CONTINUED drama and rush of adrenaline we all felt with the end of that last episode was a waste. We got a half-assed apology and like nobody wrestled or shaved anybody’s head or got a free statement necklace. What a snore.
Somebody might wanna text Luann and let her know that the big highlight and BEST PART of this episode had ZERO to do with her. SOMEBODY CALL A DOCTOR SHE’S GONNA FAINT. Yep, I know Lu has been working really hard to stay at the center of the RHONY to get those paychecks so she can buy round houses in the middle of Pleasantville, but the best, most interesting part of the show was after Ramona comes to town.
She was at a birthday party that was being held in her honor. A birthday party that she (secretly, and oooohhhh girl I can’t wait for that mess to come out at the reunion) worked to make sure the other girls would not attend (namely Sonja & Dorinda).
ANYWHO … Ramona shows up and we discover this town is basically where she grew up … this is her hometown. The restaurant across the street from their hotel? It’s the hotel where she hosted the lunch at her mother’s funeral. When they sit down for dinner? It’s at the restaurant where she used to eat with her family all the time. It’s the very table (I MEAN I GUESS) where she ate with her family.
What’s more? We find out there’s a lot A LOOOT of bad blood and drama and abuse in her past. When Ramona’s mother died she wanted to have a lunch at her mother’s favorite place and her father refused to pay for it … so Ramona had to pay for it. When Ramona’s father died he left everything to her siblings and nothing to her. It’s the first time we’ve ever heard Ramona talk about any of the abuse and drama of her growing up in a way that isn’t being presented as an excuse for her behavior.
After dinner and all this Ramona news? The ladies are supposed to go to … LOL … a cabaret show. I’m all for being obsessed with what you do, but not everybody wants to see your hobby all the dang time. See? Delusional. Lu is so delusional. I don’t even know what to say about it. Bethenny, Dorinda, and Ramona decide not to go and talk more about Ramona’s past which ends up sorta kinda bonding Ramona and Bethenny (LOLWHAT).
The other ladies go to a bar called The Crown. Lu might be delusional, but she apparently could find a bar full of gay men if we blindfolded and handcuffed here in the middle of the night and dropped her in the woods of Indiana. The door opens, and this place is full of queens. FULL. AND THE GAYS ARE LOVING that these bitches have shown up to see a show. You’d think this show would be the big moment, right? You saw this 400-year-old woman in the preview last week. Nah. It’s just bad. Margarita starts her act by welcoming Luann and says that she can’t really sing and immediately beats out MONEY CAN’T BUY YOU CLASS on her keyboard. It’s so bad I want to kill myself and I’m not even there.
The next morning everyone gets up for breakfast at Lu’s ROUND HOUSE. Ramona and Dorinda get into a fight and it’s so boring I can’t even talk about it … and then the ladies all leave Luann one by one and head back to NYC. I hope somebody stops at a Kum & Go and picks up a deluxe bag of DRAMA and FUN … because these bitches are currently putting me to sleep.