ALYSSA EDWARDS IS HERE AND THAT IS LITERALLY ALL I CARE ABOUT (BACHELORETTE RECAP)
ALYSSA EDWARDS ALYSSA EDWARDS!
When the Queen of My Heart and Number One When I’m Famous This is Who I’m Going to Hang Out with Crush Alyssa Edwards debuts on the Bachelorette Mr. Right pageant stage, I GASPED AUDIBLY, clutched my pearls, and texted Jeremy immediately. Here’s the tea: I DIE FOR ALYSSA EDWARDS. When I had my very own pageant murder mystery birthday party, my inspiration was all Alyssa.
And you know Alaska is right up there as my Number 2 Queen, tied with Katya and Bob. So like THIS SHIT WAS THRILLING. I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth, but I do have to question the addition of Miss J to this judging panel. Miss J is fine, sure, but as a surrogate RuPaul? NO MA’AM. What was going on there? Why was she walking the runway and leaving Alyssa and Alaska to pose? SHADE.
But overall, look, I was THRILLED BY THIS CHALLENGE (GROUP DATE?), it had everything I needed to go to bed happy: DRAG QUEENS AND SPEEDOS. And our girl Hannah, while she didn’t drop any specific Drag Race knowledge that would’ve really made me stan her, she did have a lot of fucking fun and she’s turning out to be a great Bachelorette.
Fine, let’s back up. Hannah is no longer a pageant princess (or is she?) but our first group date is gonna be a Mr Right pageant judged by Alyssa, Alaska, Hannah, and Miss J. I don’t even know if the men understand that they’re in the presence of royalty. But if one of them can prove that he does, I will marry that man myself.
Then some asshole (DYLAN) is like “Then Hannah introduces Miss J and the drag queens.” THE DRAG QUEENS? BITCH I WILL CUT YOU LIKE THE PIG THAT YOU ARE, HAVE SOME FUCKING RESPECT THIS AIN’T THE BATON CLUB. (It’s the Mr Right Pageant.) Alaska calls Mike Sasha Fierce and HE DOESN’T EVEN GET THE REFERENCE. I’m palpitating. Then Alaska improvs a song with Jed from Nashville and she is the fucking BEST EVER. LYRICS: “Hannah I want to hold your hand-ah. I love you like kung fu pan-da.”
It’s time for the guys to shed their Hugh Hefner for Kohls robes and strut in their Speedos. TONGUE POP LET’S GO. Jonathan is very confident and has his socks pulled up to his knees and slaps his own ass. Alyssa and Alaska get very excited for Mike and then he twerks and they go nuts. John Paul Jones almost falls over flipping his own hair. Jed wears cowboy boots with the speedo. (Seriously everyone’s accessorizing is the most interesting to me.) Luke P is FEELING HIMSELF and does some like body builder poses. It doesn’t turn me on, honestly. Like who wants to be with a dude who has to spend a zillion hours maintaining that? Protein farts for dayzzzzz, hunty.
There’s a brief talent portion where John Paul rides a unicycle. Some asshole plays a bad trumpet. Jed’s like so glad he gets to sing a song about Hannah and it’s pitchy, dawg. Luke gives a real embarrassing speech and says that he’s starting to fall in love with her. THIRSTY AND CRAZY. This is his talent? And then he comes over and kisses her. Alyssa loves it, and I cannot wait for when we are best friends and I get to talk to her about her appearance on this show.
LUKE IS PLAYING FOR THE WIN Y’ALL. He wins the pageant with his bullshit “i’m starting to fall in love with you” and then steals her away first at the cocktail party and just let’s these other mofos EAT IT. This whole “starting to fall in love with you” as the step before “falling in love with you” as the step before “in love with you” is HA-LARIOUS. I’ve got a Bumble-date tomorrow night. I’m gonna end it with a “starting to fall in love with you,” and see how he handles it. Oh? No one ever would ever fucking say that? Are you sure? It’s just to fool Hannah? Good to know.
Jed has an oddly shaped head and is getting a lot of screentime. She likes that he’s southern but open to drag queens. They make out.
TYLER THE PSYCHOLOGY GRAD STUDENT 1:1
Hannah’s gonna wear all white on her 1:1. White jeans, white jean jacket, white t shirt. Someone yells out that she looks amazing, and I’m like, does she? LOL. She looks like she’s on her way to a very sad Fourth of July party, IMO.
A helicopter comes to pick them up and everybody goes crazy. Tyler notes it’s like a James Bond movie. The helicopter takes off and Always Be Cam takes this as an opportunity to do some freestyle rapping about Hannah. Right.
They go four wheeling, cuddle in their muddy clothes, and talk about THE PRESSURE of the first 1:1. Snooze, Word on the street is that everyone thinks this Tyler is super hot. Gonna say it: MEH. But then he asks her what she wants to do with her life, which is something that you never hear anyone ask the Bachelorette so I like that about him. She wants to have a family. She wants to have a career, but the details are murky there, lol.
ROLLER DERBY GROUP DATE
Bitches be falling over! That’s about all that happens and I am HERE FOR IT. I love dates that are set up for the dudes to just look like idiots, sorry not sorry. The guys are on skates, Hannah is wearing leather hot pants that are basically just leather underwear and it’s all screaming YEAST INFECTION but truly she looks amazing and how does she have this body? I get that she’s 24 BUT STILL. Has she not eaten in 15 years? She looks fucking amazing.
Back at the ranch, Always Be Cam plays a sad harmonica. God he’s an asshole.
The green team wins. I can’t care since I don’t really know who any of these bros are or the rules of roller derby. Some bro drinks champagne out of the roller skate trophy. Of course he did.
At the evening cocktails, Always Be Cam barges in on the group date wearing ridiculous boots and dragging some 1-800-Flowers. He went quickly from great to JUST THE WORST. The guys find this very disrespectful and even <gasp> stalkery. Because Hannah constantly smiles so big you can see her molars no matter how she’s feeling, it’s unclear whether she liked this or not.
ABC gives a talk to the camera and the Dancing Tyler comes to talk shit to him. And then he blames it on the other guys, hahahaha. Tyler was like, imma go confront him!!!!!! And then he blames the other dudes, lol. And then he backs down really quickly. And then the golf pro comes to tell ABC that he doesn’t appreciate it. Lol. A lot of “dude” “dude” “dude” are thrown around. But Cameron is determined to give this interview!! Hahahaha. Another dude comes out to talk to him and they all look like idiots at this point.
Dustin scores the group date rose because he fell and got back up.
Look, the only thing that matters here is that Hannah is so fucking hot for Luke that she has got his damn shirt off a like it’s a Magic Mike show and then the producers send Jed in to break it up and she is scandalized for being caught because maybe she does like Off Key Jed a bit?
ABC gets the last rose because we all hate him now. Three other dudes we hardly know leave. BOI BYE. Then Luke P busts in on Hannah’s post-rose-ceremony confessional interview and has her sit on his lap. He recites some bad shit he heard in a movie at her: “Time stopped when I looked into your eyes,” etc. And then he’s like “Everything I’m telling you is 100% real, I promise” which would make me think it is definitely not real. They aggressively make out.
Seriously, Chris Harrison should just let her bone him so she can see what’s 100% real, okurrrr! I have a feeling he’s TERRIBLE in the bedroom and that sweet little math teacher, wherever he is, would be more attentive to her needs if you know what i’m saying!