CABARET STARS: THEY'RE JUST LIKE US (RHONY RECAP)
Oh, good. This week we’re traveling to the middle of nowhere to visit an alcoholic in the woods. Doesn’t that sound like a good time? I’m no expert on recovery, but what sponsor said, “Yes, you should definitely invite all these dramatic and contentious friends of yours to your brand-new super quiet and peaceful home hours away from New York City. Hopefully they’ll bring drinks and drama, and somebody will get into a fist fight. This definitely sounds like an awesome step in your journey to sobriety.” But then … who tells an alcoholic, “YEAH, GIRL … please please please get yourself a job singing in your own cabaret.” Whatever. Why be worried? Trips with these girls always go so well. Also … LOL … who am I kidding. This bish ain’t got a sober coach, she’s a countess and she’ll do what she wants.
Sober coach or not the ladies of NYC are sojourning to LuAnn’s new home in Upstate, New York. It’s cool. The Berserkshires were starting to feel stale. We might as well really get out in the woods and stir up some shit. When we first see Lu’s new digs, she’s out on the back porch getting a haircut. Money can’t buy you class, but I guess it can get you an in-home hairstylist and a view of the Hudson River from a giant deck connected to your round house.
This statement-necklaced-bitch is living in a circle. I mean: OF COURSE SHE FUCKING IS. Knowing Lu that was a major selling point. No corners or hard edges for this cabaret star. She’s an artiste now, honey. Everybody knows artists live in circles. I’m being a total dick. The house is totally round, and it does make my eyes roll into the back of my head, but it’s beautiful. It’s got a Frank Lloyd Wright vibe. It’s adorable as far as round houses go and the inside is as gorgeous as you might expect for … a cabaret star.
Sonja is the first to make the trek out to Lu’s place, and she has rented a private van? Private van makes it sounds junky. This thing is not junk at all. I’ve never seen anything like this van. It’s like a mobile home or Winnebago, but for rich people. This thing is tricked out with televisions, wifi, and a bathroom, and Sonja’s favorite: THE MORNING PAPER (you know she gotta pretend she’s living her best JP Morgan life with the New York Times, y’all). She calls this thing a mobile office. Maybe that’s a thing? Who knew. It looks like she’s riding in a private jet. You wouldn’t know she’s not on a private jet, except you can see yellow cabs through the windows.
Bethenny, Tinsley, and Ramona … I know girl WHAT IS THIS GROUP … meet for drinks and snacks to soak up as much of Manhattan as they can before heading out to hicksville for the weekend. This meeting, as you might expect, is DRIPPING WITH PIPING HOT GOSS as you might expect. Though, I’m not super sure hearing Tinsley whine about wanting a kid and a husband and a family is HOTT GOSS, but you get the idea. Tins is slowwwwwly coming to the realization (thanks to these heauxs) that the clock is ticking and if she wants a kid … she might need to visit the sperm store and make a baby her own damned self.
Here’s some deep analysis … Does Tinsley really want kinds or is she saying she wants them because she thinks she’s supposed to say that? This girl is like Peter Pan times 999. THINK FOR YOURSELF BABY GIRL. You’re 43 dude. I know you’re scared Momma is gonna cut you off, but like let’s be really really really real … how long until she’s singing with the angels at the great big plastic surgery office in the sky … YOU KNOW WHAT IM SAYIN, GIRL?? Close that uterus up! Put a GONE FISHING sign on it and get you another glass of wine. Kids are the worst, and I think we all know (we can see it in your tired little eyes) you’d rather have a sexy collection of Birkins. And that is A - OK, Boo Boo! Why? Because it is TWO THOUSAND NINETEEN and a girl can do what she wants. Just say no!
BTR (it’s like BTS but with A LOT more botox) also rips Lu a new one … which means hold on to your fucking hat, Upstate. It’s about to get ROUGH. They’re done with Lu’s diva behavior and how she treats everyone as if they work for her. Bethenny and the rest of BTR can’t get over how The Countess didn’t come say hello to them at the Halloween CABARET SHOW. More than that though? How are you gonna be a grandma and have a cabaret show that starts in the middle of the damned night and then get mad when folks wanna go home to their babies?
Anywhosie … back at Lu’s place in the sticks …
Sonja has finally arrived after her trip on a private bus jet office Winnebago and surprise SO HAS BABS. I wonder how Barbra got there? Was it Dykes on Bikes? We’ll never know.
Wait. I just need to pause here and do a little call back to Barbara’s Halloween costume last week. That Slash business was maybe the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. You guys! It almost made me think I like Barbara. LOL … nope … that’s over.
They all sit down to a dinner (a dinner we never see anyone eat) and talk about … WHAT??? … the Halloween Cabaret Show. Sonja tells Lu what BTR (with special guest Dorinda) are saying about that night. Lu, because Lu gotta Lu, doesn’t get any of it. She thinks everyone should be excited for her and THE CABARET SHOW. Sonja tries super hard to get through to LuAnn and tell her that she’s doing great and nobody is mad about her success, but she should not forget her friends. Obvs Lu doesn’t get it but knows that when BTR (with special guest Dorinda) arrives in Upstate … there’s gonna be a REAL SHIT STORM.
Wellllllllllllll … she says she knows there’s going to be drama when the other ladies arrive, but then she immediately goes into telling us how she never expected to be a cabaret star and how the show AND designing statement necklaces to go along with her Jovani gowns she wears in her CABARET SHOW was a surprise and came organically. I know, girl, WHAT AN INCREDIBLE run-on sentence, but this Lu drama really brings out the second grader in me. Does anyone else see all these red flags or it just me?
ALSO. Yeah, you read that right. This statement-necklaced-heaux IS SELLING STATEMENT NECKLACES.
When BT (mins Ramona but featuring Dorinda) finally arrive after a long car ride (a regular car not a private jet bus van Winnebago traveling office car), they have decided every time someone (LUANN) says cabaret they must drink. They also arrive and are not super impressed with the ROUND HOUSE. They think the house is cute and quiet, but don’t understand why busybody LuAnn would want to live all the way out in the middle of nowhere. And Bethenny deserves a Golden Globe for her portrayal of a friend not totally LOL-ing in a new homeowner’s face when she discovers the guest room has a kitchen two feet away from the bed. Yeah. A KITCHEN INSIDE THE GUESTROOM … totes normal.
Here’s a random question: Does Bethenny own any coats that don’t look like she murdered her daughter’s stuffed animals and turned them into a coat?
DOES SHE? I ain’t so sure, friends.
Once everyone has had the tour we get the plan for the night. We’re going to dinner and then to a bar (YAY RECOVERY) where an old Latin lady is going to play piano and sing songs. In other words? This CABARET STAR is going to take the ladies to see a local CABARET STAR.
Wait. Where’s Ramona, you ask? She’s coming late because she’s at a birthday dinner being thrown for her by her best friends. LOL.
Now that we’re settled in Lu asks the ladies if they think she landed on her feet. She’s obviously very proud of her place and her cabaret show and the life she has now. I think we all want to believe the question is innocent, but it comes across as super crass. Lesbi-honest, bragging and asking for compliments is The Countess’s most favorite thing, and that’s exactly what this feels like. LOOK AT HOW AMAZING I AM TELL ME YOU LOVE MY STUFF. The girls gloss right over this moment and Lu tells them about her CABARET shows and what she has lined up, which means of course we’re getting into the big Halloween show and what people thought.
Lu tells Bethenny she was sad she left before the performance. They go back and forth about it and like I said before LuAnn doesn’t get why B left. It gets very heated, but in an almost adult and even civil way. BUT … Lu won’t let it go and says she just wanted Beth there to celebrate her success and how her life has changed. This gets Bethenny to go nuclear. B tells LuAnn she celebrated her all last summer, she took care of her then. I can feel the heat coming from my television and just as I do …
TO BE CONTINUED …