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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

SHOW PONIES (RHOBH RECAP)

SHOW PONIES (RHOBH RECAP)

This is quite the rager of an episode. I’m sorry, did I say “rager” episode? I meant “raging against the dying of the light” episode. At every turn, every housewife, save Saint Denise, Our Lady of Boinks Alot, is desperately clinging to her youth and someone needs to tell these women that their younger selves disappeared along with any discernible wrinkles the moment they started daily injectables two decades ago. Camille prances around in a lacy wedding dress she plans on wearing for her second wedding, and though she has the body of a 21-year old, she has the attitude of 60-year old Fox News commentator. BAD LOOK. Lisa VP has redone her kitchen to the tune of $300k in white marble with all-pink accents, including the Le Creuset cookware. It’s bizarre Disney Princess-esque, which is fitting since Lisa VP has alienated herself from all the other women and is living isolated in a huge mansion with Beast, I mean Ken. Meanwhile, after one-and-a-half tequilas at Erika’s concert, Kyle mounts Mauricio in a crowded room and makes out with him like some college kid who wants everyone to know that no one can come between their love, okay! You know these housewives will be on their deathbeds and still be demanding vitamin drips and Botox.

Speaking of adult babies, anytime Dorit leaves for more than one night, her mother flies in from the East Coast to take care of the kids and PK, her grown-ass husband. Probably because someone needs to turn PK over every once and a while so he doesn’t get bed sores. A human potato kebab can’t be expected to turn itself, can it?

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Lights, camera, and also video, pyrotechnics, macramé hair, speedos, big dick energy, and action! It’s Erika Jayne’s LA concert. Mikey, her indentured personal assistant/stylist/sycophant/tablecloth, is running through final choreo with Erika and a stage full of beefcake dancers. At one point Erika demands “More Yak hair” for her weave, and she is just so powerful and convincing that I almost jumped up from my couch and boarded the first plane to Tibet to fetch our girl some fabulous Yak tendrils.

Even Erika’s 900-year old husband, Tom, pulled himself away from a rousing game of canasta to come check out everything he’s bankrolled. The show is super slick and entertaining, though the sound goes out for a second but Erika handles it like a damn pro - cool and calm during the show, while probably demanding that someone is tarred and feathered post-show. Lisa Rinna, Kyle, Dorit, and Teddi attend the show and Teddi reveals that her husband Edwin was some sort of backup dancer back in the day. Let’s all pray to the shrine of Andy Cohen that Edwin gets to perform with Erika this season. Maybe they can collab on a hot banger about his security company’s high tech locks. “How many L**ks,” anyone?

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America’s beloved human sex machine Denise Richards has to leave town for a few days because apparently she’s still a working actress...who knew? She cries because she’s missing her daughter’s first homecoming dance. She’s also upset that she won’t be able to have sex with Aaron for four nights but promises phone sex as a stop gap. Always one step ahead, that Denise. Maybe FEMA should hire her. In an interview, Lisa Rinna insists that she likes to get down to Ginuwine’s “My Pony,” and I just imagine Denise is like, “What do I care, I’d get down to a Menard’s jingle if it was playing.”

Camille heads over to Lisa VP’s mansion to request her presence at her wedding. Lisa VP must decline in light of the cruelty she’s suffered at the hands of the other women. Namely, Kyle accusing her of selling stories to Radar Online, something most cast members on this show have accused her of before. Because she probably feeds stories to Radar Online.

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Then we flash to 24-hours later and Lisa VP is taking a lie detector about Radar Online. This story is old and tired just like no one on this show because all these women are perpetually 27 years old, you hear, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

CABARET STARS: THEY'RE JUST LIKE US (RHONY RECAP)

CABARET STARS: THEY'RE JUST LIKE US (RHONY RECAP)

SO MANY WHITE DUDE BROS (BACHELORETTE RECAP)

SO MANY WHITE DUDE BROS (BACHELORETTE RECAP)