SO MANY WHITE DUDE BROS (BACHELORETTE RECAP)
“Can you imagine waking up every morning next to Hannah?” a white dude bro asks.
“That’d be sick,” another replies.
And thus, we’ve begun another Bachelorette journey, this time with ALABAMA HANNAH. No, that’s not me being cute with rhymes, that’s this heaux’s Instagram handle. And lest you EVER (ever!) forget Hannah B. is from ALABAMA, the season premiere opens with basically a PURE ALBAMA commercial:
Hannah’s just leaning against the slats of a wooden bridge, you know, as you do. Hannah’s walking through a field, looking all around as if her future fiancé might jump out of the wheat. She’s sitting on a random dock on a pond. And skipping around the crimson tide football stadium. And telling some children just trying to learn ballet about the dream of heterosexual true love while twirling a scarf.
All the while, a very earnest voice over does its damndest to convince us that Alabama Hannah is just a REGULAR GIRL.
IS SHE. IS SHE THO?
Maybe they shouldn’t have included that pageant footage then.
As she’s being crowned Miss Alabama (her hair a bright bright blonde and looking quite gorgeous in a virginal white gown) Hannah tells us she never thought she was good enough. She thought she had to be perfect. You know JUST LIKE YOU AND ME.
So that’s gonna be her shtick? REGULAR GIRL?
I feel like that shit is gonna get real tiresome, real fast. Pretty people can have problems too, sure, but let’s get real, I’m only buying “regular girl!” from Hannah B. if it’s a euphemism for “maybe not super bright.” But I will say, while I was not a huge Hannah B. fan going into this, she did a good job tonight and looks like she’s gonna serve drama all season, and you know what, I’m here for that.
LET’S MEET THE BROS.
Have there been budget cuts??? Why are we getting all this shakey iPhone video user generated content? Why is Chris Harrison making me watch some dude’s Instagram story about his departure? Ok, phew, here come the real packages:
First we meet Tyler who dances around a construction site like he’s in Footloose. It’s weird.
Peter is a pilot and he’s very spontaneous. Because he can just fly places, you know, like let’s get coffee in Phoenix! Girl, please. You can’t fool me. Driving out to the airport is a production. Getting your stupid plane ready is a production. Finally we get to fly there in your tiny ass plane. Now we’re at some other podunk airport, and where’s our car to go get this coffee? Just saying, don’t act like this shit is simplekins. He likes that Hannah seems normal.
Mike, air force veteran and portfolio manager, brings his great grandmother flowers before he leaves and honestly, we might rather watch a show just about her? Mike was raised by strong women so he knows how to listen and pay attention to small details. I can get behind that. He has a great smile and very manicured eyebrows.
Joe, The Box King, from CHICAGO. What an embarrassment. Every time I think it’s my fault that I’m single in Chicago, I’m reminded, nope, this is what the men are like here. Jumping around like they’re on cocaine, screaming about boxes and their mother’s meatballs.
Matt Donald has some goats and a deaf family and I like him much better here than when he arrives at the Bachelor Mansion on a tractor, singing some very disturbing Old Mac Donald remix.
Connor, is a salesman, acts like a salesman, and no thanks. Later he’ll speak to her in French while wearing a merlot-colored velvet sport coat. SERIOUSLY.
Luke, exerciser. Thinks he’s super hot. But then god spoke to him in the shower. NOT KIDDING. So now he’s working on becoming the husband he wants to be for his future wife. Wearing a big cross on a big chain. Looks like a member of 98 degrees. NO WAIT. He’s a poor man’s Justin Timberlake:
Luke’s gonna be one to watch this season, mark my words.
SO MANY WHITE DUDES. LIKE FOR REAL, IT’S LIKE I WALKED INTO A BUFFALO WILD WINGS.
We’ve got a golf pro with puns.
A singer from Nashville, velvet blazer and bowtie and dreams of stardom. Dumb hair. NO SOCKS.
Dylan, WEARING A WHITEE TUXEDO JACKET? Wtf it’s so bad, whose plan was this?
Connor, another white dude, pounces on a trampoline to jump over the Bachelor Mansion fence for Hannah. THE ROMANCE.
Devin. Makes a weird virgin joke. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he was a virgin in that weird peach suit and picnic table tie.
John Paul Jones, aka, the poor man’s Heath Ledger.
Awkward math teacher who can barely speak. He’s probably the nicest guy there, she should choose him. But she won’t.
Daron. Almost went in the wrong door, that’s it.
Tyler, psychology grad student. Immediately I want the psych grad student to stick around for a while and drop some knowledge on all the bros hahahaha. But then he’s like you’ve been in my dreams, like literally, when he’s asleep at night, and now I’m scared.
Joey, finance manager from Maryland. Has a car seat for their future, pulls a bottle of champagne out of it. Yes, parenthood is exactly like that.
Kevin from someplace in Illinois I’ve never heard of. A bunch of footballs fall around on the ground around him I guess in service of a fumble metaphor? Whatever, I’m tired.
ABC CAM arrives rapping and telling anyone who will listen his life motto: ABC: ALWAYS BE CAM. I mean, get a dumb tattoo of your life motto and stfu about it like every other dumb frat boi who every lived.
So many dudes not wearing socks.
So many dudes that seem like they have bad breath.
THANK GOD, IT’S TIME FOR COCKTAILS!
Exerciser Luke is the first to grab her. (OBVIOUSLY.) He talks the whole time and doesn’t ask her shit. TRUE LOVE. He looks like a steroid-ridden Justin Timberlake for real. Cam the rapper with the rose gets the first kiss since it’s “technically their second date.” Demi and Katie show up to watch the party in a giant van and suss out a guy with a girlfriend. And again, Katie’s face is on my TV, yet I’ve never heard her speak.
Some dude named Scott has the gf and it’s time for that drama. Of course he is from Chicago! I’m telling you, the Bumbling here IS A NIGHTMARE. Hannah confronts him, she’s actually great in this moment, ordering him around and shit. He leaves. Hannah’s got to cry now, her dreams are already being crushed. All her vulnerabilities!
The guys are gonna give her some space, BUT NOT LUKE. He’s gonna comfort his woman. I’m telling you, watch out for this one.
First impression rose obviously goes to Luke, cause he’s playing his role right. (Though the growling on top of the limo would’ve scared the shit out of me and it should’ve scared Hannah too.) They make out by a fire – at one point it looked like he was vacuuming her lips up? What.
I’m too tired to listen to the neuroses / emotions of white men. Honestly I can’t even keep track of who is leaving. One of the pilots. He cries.