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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

YOUR SIGNIFICANT BOTHER (RHOBH RECAP)

YOUR SIGNIFICANT BOTHER (RHOBH RECAP)

I have always lived for RHOBH’s totally unrelatable slice of life scenes. They’re like Downton Abbey meets Cribs meets a Pandora Charm Bracelet ad. Teddi plans a luxury RV trip for the ladies whilst hiking among deer in LA; Lisa VP desperately tries to keep her kitchen remodel under $300,000 (will she, won’t she, the suspense is killing no one); and Lisa Rinna reveals that she once starred in a series of workout DVDs looking like she’s mastered the hottest dance moves at a 1995 bar mitzvah. But at some point we need to get back to the heart and soul of this show. Petty women talking trash while drunk.

Denise and Camille get together for lunch to bond over their bad divorces and renewed leases on life and then Camille goes off on all of the other women. A lot. She drones on and on and even Denise’ lunchtime tequila isn’t making this bitch session tolerable. Denise Richards does not like mean girls and does not like bullshit and Camille is both nasty and full of shit so Denise ain’t having it. She could have boned her husband three times by now. Speaking of which, shortly hereafter, we’re treated to a morning sunrise where Denise and Aaron have just boinked. This is juxtaposed against a Kyle Richards’ morning routine where she reveals that she has co-slept with all of her children, so it’s pretty clear she and Mauricio ain’t ever boinking.

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Dorit and PK are heading out to lunch with Lisa VP and Ken to try to mend their broken friendship. Lisa and Ken are furious that Dorit believes Lisa sold a story to Radar Online about Dorit adopting a dog from her and it ending up in a kill shelter. I’m going to send the entire cast to a kill shelter if this storyline doesn’t end up in a kill shelter soon. Anyway, in order to ward off evil spirits, Dorit and PK dress like Sprockets.

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They show up to lunch and Ken is like “Lisa is the world’s greatest person and if you say anyone is kinder than her, including Malala Yousafzai, I will disavow you... (or something like that)” PK concedes that he believes Lisa after she swears on her children’s life that she never sold a story. But not Dorit. The woman of 100 shitty accents and 1000 shitty hair styles, the woman who is being sued for defrauding her Beverly Beach business partner, the woman who lied time after time last year about talking shit about Lisa, can’t imagine letting this go. Quelle surprise. My long-ass CVS receipt has more moral high ground than Dorit Kemsley.

Ken and Lisa stomp off and PK is like “Bad look babe, not bad like that time you wore gold leaf in your hair, but bad still.”

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I think the real crime is that Lisa eats sushi with a knife and fork. Absolutely repulsive. Dorit isn’t thrilled that PK threw her under the bus at lunch but what can you expect from a spouse who is more old potato than human? Dorit realizes that all of this crap with Lisa is probably related to her talking shit last year. This is payback. Lisa is basically the Inigo Montoya of this show and I find her commitment to revenge admirable.

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Later at a dinner to plan the RV camping trip, the women are shocked that PK didn’t align himself with Dorit at the luncheon. Dorit tries to explain that PK is such good friends with Lisa and Ken but everyone is like “I never heard of either of you until two years ago. Ken and Lisa must have some dirt on PK.” I can’t imagine that what they know that is worse than what the public knows - that PK has committed fraud, owes a casino millions of dollars, and is just a generally gross human. So whatever they know must be BAD.  Every Real Housewives franchise has relied too heavily on psychics to move their plot along and it’s always felt so contrived. But if there was ever a time for some mind-reading, NOW IS THAT TIME.

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TEARS OF A CLOWN (RHONY RECAP)

TEARS OF A CLOWN (RHONY RECAP)

BOW DOWN, BITCHES

BOW DOWN, BITCHES