THE WHITE GLOVES COME OFF (RHOBH RECAP)
The day of reckoning has come and gone on RHOBH. Kyle accused, Lisa wept, Ken “Goodbye-Kyle-ed” and this fight did nothing to justify the 900 hours spent on the returned-dog saga, which led to this showdown. Bravo producers teased most of this fight in the first episode, so not much was gained by tuning in. But a lot has been lost. Namely, my sanity listening to Dorit drone on for hours about her innocence in this goddamn Lucy Lucy Apple Juice-dog situation.
But let’s back it up to a more riveting plot line involving C-SPAN. Yep, that’s exactly how dull the rest of the season has been. Lisa, Ken and their merry band of hangers-on have been tirelessly campaigning against the global dog-meat trade. Lisa’s gotten her claws into Florida Congressman Alcee Hastings, who introduced a nonbinding resolution to condemn this trade. And it passed. Even though everyone is glued to C-SPAN in Vanderpump Dogs, they have to call Hastings’ Chief-of-Staff because they don’t understand the procedural language used on C-SPAN and there was no release of 200 pink doves or a performance by a Donna Summers lip-sync performer signaling that a good thing has happened. Also, this non binding resolution is totally symbolic and pretty meaningless but it is a wonder to watch Hastings thank Lisa Vanderpump for her dedication to the cause on C-SPAN. In no world did I ever think that C-SPAN and BravoTV would meet but Trump is President and Denise Richards has revived her image by joining a reality show about the world’s worst women so I guess anything can happen.
Sad trumpet music because we’re back to the stupid dog controversy. Teddi agreed to run a charity spin class months ago for Vanderpump Dogs and all the women show up except for LVP, who is busy creating global dog policy. All of the other ladies have learned about the Radar Online story where an unnamed source blabs about Dorit inadvertently sending her Vanderpump Dog adoptee to a kill shelter. They are certain Lisa planted the story. After the spin class, they head to lunch to blather on about Lisa’s evil machinations and they push Kyle to admit that even though she loves Lisa, she too thinks Lisa planted this story. Dorit is all “I’m just an innocent pawn” and all the women are like “Yes, you did nothing wrong,” and now I’ve thrown a boulder at my TV because Dorit adopted a dog she couldn’t care for and instead of returning it to Vanderpump Dogs (AS CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED) she gave it away to a rando and Lucy Lucy Apple Juice was found in a kill shelter. NOT INNOCENT DORIT. GUILTY AF. Also, she named the dog Lucy Lucy Apple Juice, which is a disgusting name. Dorit is now receiving mean tweets from animal lovers and I titter each time I think about Dorit looking at her twitter notifications and gasping in that high pitch seal noise she makes each time someone burns her on the internet. But I think the real crime here is that Teddi orders a burger, no bun. Blech.
Later that day, Lisa is interviewed by TMZ and defends Dorit, which only does more to whip up the ladies into a frenzy. They are convinced Lisa spoke to TMZ to cover up talking to Radar Online. This all seems like a bit of a stretch but according to these ladies, LVP will stop at nothing to, oh I don’t know, let the public know what they already found out from watching this show, which is that Dorit shouldn’t have a dog. Teddi visits Kyle to convince her that as Lisa’s friend she MUST confront Lisa. Kyle agrees, maybe because both she and Teddi wear the douchiest of hats and that means they share a set of values.
Kyle heads over to Lisa’s house to inform her that all the women, including her, believe Lisa planted the Dorit story in Radar Online. Lisa is incredulous, hurt, angry, and swears - not just on her children’s lives but on Giggy’s life - that she’d never plant a story. Lisa would marry Giggy if it was legal so you know she’s serious. Ken wanders in and jumps to the defense of his wife, pointing his old man fingers in Kyle’s face and yelling about friendship and gangs and loyalty. Ken and Lisa then kick Kyle out of their house and just like that the dog-story is over. Just kidding. It’s never going to end. I’m pretty sure we’re living in Sartre’s No Exit but our hell is just Dorit.