RETURN TO THE BERSERKSHIRES (RHONY RECAP)
Yep, that’s right, ladies … we’re off to THE VERY BEST WEEKEND in a Housewife from New York City’s LIFE: a weekend at Dorinda’s Blue Stone Manor in the Berkshires. Buckle your seat belt and put your seats and tray tables in the upright position, do your yoga stretches, drink lots of water, and don’t forget to moisturize. Better yet? BRACE FOR IMPACT. These ladies always turn the drama all the way up in the Berserkshires and I for one cannot wait to get a new catch phrase. What I’m saying is … get ready to make it nice, y’all. I can’t wait to see what happens.
Fun Fact: Dorinda passed by Blue Stone Manor when she was a kid, and she’d always look up and say, “One day, I’m gonna own that house.” Her dad would laugh it off, and then when she and Richard were getting married he asked her what she wanted for her wedding present, and she said BLUE STONE MANOR.
And now it’s hers.
DREAM BIG, KIDS. Dream big. You never know what will happen.
We gotta run some errands and do some chores.
Bethenny is packing for a trip to Boston with this new dude she’s seeing? She’s feeling REAL REAL guilty about it since Dennis died all of 3.5 minutes ago. How does she manage her feelings? IN HOME THERAPY OF COURSE. I didn’t even know this was a thing you could do. You gotta be a REAL RICH BITCH for this kind of thing. I mean I’m guessing? When you’ve got Skinny Girl money … everyone comes to you … even therapy. Thank God I’m not that rich. I’d never leave my house. The therapist shows up and … he’s made some interesting decisions about his hair. He’s got a balding and thinning situation on top and a full on Pantene commercial happening all around his balding head. This hair is dying on top and living it’s best life on the sides. He might also actually be FISHER STEVENS … like WHOA.
She greets this guy by saying, “Hi, how are you,” to which he responds with, “I’m OK.” Uhhh … Maybe I’m a drama queen myself, but if someone says IM OK I feel like that’s some sort of warning sign? You’re just OK girl? You’re a therapist. You better have a real confident OK when you answer or I’m gonna call 911. I HAVE PROBLEMS I CANT HAVE YOU WITH A HALF ASS RESPONSE. Are we sure this guy is a therapist. Maybe this is Fisher Stevens, when was the last TV show or movie you saw that dude in … this could be him trying to get a job.
Listen, I think we can all agree that Bethenny is pretty obnoxious. She’s always screaming or crying or dying or not eating or SOMETHING that makes my eyes roll so hard they hurt BUT … she’s really going through it with this Dennis situation. I have to give her some credit here for even doing the show this season. He died RIGHT BEFORE filming started. And if that isn’t enough … here she is having therapy in real time on a damned TV show. I know, maybe that’s just more of her playing it up for the cameras … but I don’t think so? I think this is actually pretty brave of her to do. We learn a little about her relationship with Dennis and how she wants a family … but that isn’t what he wanted … and she knew she should break off their relationship, but she couldn’t really. The only way she got out of it … was by him dying. DUDES… that’s a lot to process. So likeee for the next 3 minutes I’m going to be super nice and not give her too much grief (hee hee hee) about being a drama queen.
It’s the Tinsley show.
Tinsley (OMG YES FINALLY SHES DOING SOMETHING) is hosting a dog show for charity. Like usual she acts all crazy and has more anxiety than any person who doesn’t have a job or children should have about anything. She whines about being nervous about public speaking WHILE talking about wanting to get back to her old life of doing charity work and I’m like BITCH WHICH IS IT. Do you want to be Melinda Gates or not? MAKE UP YOUR MIND AND DO SOMETHING or just like sip tea with ya Mom and zip it. The dog show is a little dog runway show where the dogs wear cute little outfits and their owners prance them down a runway. The event is to raise money for rescue dogs, but it’s not super clear that anyone other than people standing around in a park are even coming to this event, so I’m not exactly sure how money was made OR why she’s stressed because there are seriously maybe 25 people there and she knows like 24 of them. I guess this is cute. It sounds like it’s going to be this big thing and is maybe supposed to be Tinsley’s big return to the “charity scene” in New York City, but it looks like a dud to me.
Once the show is done the ladies have lunch on a yacht because HOUSEWIVES GOTTA HOUSEWIFE. The conversation quickly turns to Tinsley and Scott. The ladies DRILL Tins. Good I guess? I mean I have a lot of questions, so it’s about time somebody quizzed her ass.
Here’s a question: Are Tins and Scott in a relationship or nah? He seems fine, I guess? He’s nice enough, but he’s barely around and we mostly just hear about this dude and see his weird ass choices (BENTLEY RENTAL CAR ANYONE). Maybe that’s him trying to stay out of the reality TV spotlight? OR … maybe this whole “relationship” ain’t all that serious.
Dude LIVES and WORKS in CHICAGO. If you were dating seriously dating someone and had been for a couple years … WOULDNT YOU MAKE AN EFFORT TO HAVE THAT PERSON IN YOUR LIFE EVERYDAY? That doesn’t seem to be happening and she even says she DOES NOT want to move to Chicago … so like … WHAT GIVES.
I don’t know. She seems aiiiiiight but she might not be super grounded in reality. She’s 43 and is talking about wanting kids? I know this is a thing people do all the time and she can have somebody carry that baby for her but like … you also don’t have to have a man to make that happen. You can literally just adopt or get yourself some sperm and have a GD baby. Also? Can you honestly look at this person and say … WOW SHE SHOULD BE A MOTHER.
Yeah. Uhhhhhhh …
So I don’t get it and her entire LIFE doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. There’s the baby stuff SURE I get that (I guess?) but do you even like this dude? I’m not super sold. The ladies are asking her if she LOVES him and …….. it feels weird. She talks about branding and keeps crying about returning to her old life of NYC society and whatnot. THAT WAS A DECADE AGO, SISTER. You were 34. Those days are gone. It feels a lot like maybe she’s with this dude because she sees him (IE HIS MONEY) as a way back to this high society thing. That shit ain’t real. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say … T doesn’t want kids and Scott … she wants his sweet sweet cash so she can have champagne with Momma and try on dresses all day.
OMG. I can’t even believe I talked about Tinsley so much. WHAT IN THE WORLD.
BACK TO FUN STUFF . . .
The girls are FINALLY going out to Dorinda’s in the Berkshires and this year they’re going out around Halloween. You might think this would mean no wacky holiday decorations, because like if you don’t have kids running around … WHY WOULD YOU DECORATE FOR HALLOWEEN. But Dorinda loves a reason to decorate. Blue Stone Manor looks like the set of a horror film. We’ve got clowns and mummies and headless people and skeletons and blood and everything else. It looks like one of those Halloween stores that suddenly show up at Halloween season has EXPLODED in her yard.
Sonja, Tinsley, and Ramona are the first to arrive and they spend some time screaming and making noise about the decorations. And I’m trying to be nice about Bethenny right now but Ramona describes one of the creepy decorations as “looking like Bethenny crying” and I am LOLOLOL-ing to death. But the decoration fun is over quick so they get down to the business all housewives of any city love the most: PICKING A ROOM. Lord. I love everybody but this shit is exhausting. Are they contractually obligated to do this every time they’re staying somewhere? Dorinda has assigned everyone rooms, but of course they switch them around argue about who is going where … but there is one thing they all agree on (EVEN RAMONA) … DONT NOBODY WANNA STAY IN THE GHETO ASS FISH ROOM. Tins has been given the FISH ROOM and she decides Lu can go in there since she’s arriving late. Seems fair to me. Everyone wants the nicest room OBVI but Dorinda is saving it for Bethenny (which might be the only benefit to having a friend die).
I meannnnnnn I hear them on the FISH ROOM. It’s a weird boys room or something with giant fish on the walls. What lady wants to be in a room with all these fish. I wouldn’t wanna stay in there but also … WHO GIVES A FUCK.
Once they have the room situation settled they’re off to dinner where Lu meets them. It feels nice because FOR ONCE Lu isn’t being chaperoned by BABS. All is going well at dinner, nobody is screaming or throwing drinks or anything … and then Lu starts taking their rooms for the night. She says she doesn’t really care where she is but PLEASE DONT PUT ME IN THE FISH ROOM. The girls burst out laughing about it but it all turns very serious very quickly when they realize Lu isn’t kidding … and actually SHES PISSED OFF ABOUT IT.
Why would Dorinda save a room for Bethenny and not her and why isn’t Dorinda trying to smoothe over their fractured relationship and on and on and on. Who cares this much about a free room in someone’s house? It gets so bad that Tinsley says she’ll take the FISH ROOM since she was assigned to it originally anyway … but that doesn’t really help. Lu gets up from the table and is mumbling under her breath about the room and … I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to see if Dorinda cuts her tongue out … I hope she holds her down and shaves her head.
OH. AND DID I MENTION BABS IS COMING?
Who knows what will happen … they don’t call it the Berserkshers for nothing.