BY GEORGE, SHE'S LOST IT (RHOBH RECAP)
If you tease Boy George & Culture Club at the beginning of an episode of #RHOBH, Karma Chameleon must be played by the end of the show. It’s Chekhov’s Gun and any production worth its salt should follow this rule. Regrettably, this production is not worth its salt or any salt for that matter. It’s SALTLESS. Though Boy George crooned and danced around looking like a prettier version of PK Kemsley, nary a Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Chameleon was heard. Just when I thought this season of RHOBH couldn’t be more of a let down, it has now morphed into the reality version of Eeyore (or Teddi depending on if you “read books” or just watch BravoTV.)
You know what’s not cute? A children’s makeup line. It’s gross and upsetting. It’s also very Beverly Hills. So naturally, Kyle Richards and Teddi Mellencamp have carted their little daughters over to a photoshoot to model for a children’s makeup company. Perhaps I’m being too harsh. Maybe if I had my own makeup as a kid, I could have built much better Lego structures and grown taller. Hard to prove the counterfactual.
Sound the trumpets! Light of my life, fire of my loins, Denise Richards has arrived. And she is leading a very disciplined existence. Every morning at 5am, Denise has sex with her hubby Aaron, whose head is being swallowed up by his growing pecs. After that, the duo head off to the gym for a grueling workout. Denise expends more energy before 7am than I expend in a week. Then, instead of hanging out with a bunch of catty woman at a Boy George show, Denise opts to stay in and help her kids with homework. This girl is working overtime to undo all of Charlie Sheen’s Charlie-Sheening and she’s doing a great job. Her kids are lovely, her home is beautiful, and Denise is delighting all of America with her frank and sincere discourse about boinking her husband all day, all night, nonstop.
Denise visits Lisa VP for lunch. Lisa is refusing to film with any of the other women and Denis is basically like “I am not your puppet but I really like you”. Lisa VP is like “I respect that but I hate these other witches so I’m out.” The world is like “More Denise and Lisa VP, less everyone else plz.”
Meanwhile, PK and Dorit have invited everyone to a Boy George & Culture Club show at The Greek. Before the show, PK reveals to Dorit that he called Ken to arrange some sort of détente between Lisa and Dorit. Honestly, a rotten papaya would be more suitable than PK for shuttle diplomacy, but the couples will be sitting down next week for a tête-à-tête, so I’m sure that’s going to end well. Maybe they’ll chalk up their fight to British humor, which, according to all four of them, is a series of cruel insults that no one finds funny. Then they can move on to lighter things, like Lisa VP’s $300K kitchen renovation.
Before the show, the women meet Boy George backstage. Billy Idol also shows up for a minute - can you believe he was available? If you told me Lisa Rinna was Billy Idol in the tiniest bit of drag, I’d believe you 100%. Also Kyle is all in on felt fedoras this season and it’s destroying my childhood love of Carmen Sandiego.
The show kicks off and the women get liquored up and dance like no one’s watching their striptease routine that they’ve been practicing in front of their mirrors since they started wearing makeup at the age of 8.
But all sexy times must come to an end, and who better to inject an ugly dose of reality than the troll king himself, PK Kemsley. After the show, he ribs Kyle about falling out with Lisa VP. Kyle is very offended because her fight with Lisa VP centers on her defending Dorit and PK (and also needing a storyline.) PK says it’s just British humor and Kyle needs to lighten up. Kyle stomps off and Dorit goes after her to apologize on behalf of her blobfish husband. Teddi inserts herself in defense of Kyle and Dorit yells at Teddi to stay out of it. Camille breathily coos that Teddi is overstepping while Lisa Rinna is like “this is why I don’t do British humor. I do iconic hair and big lips.” And just like that Lisa Rinna has her tag line for next season.