DORINDA'S SUMMER CAMP FOR HEAUXS (RHONY RECAP)
Listen, I’m no astrology expert. You’ll have to call up my girl Chani Nicholas for star charts and what’s happening in the sky and what it all means. All I’m saying is there’s a full moon or a new moon or a comet or asteroid or black whole sun or some shit because suddenly we’re at episode six and somebody just hit the gas. FINALLY THIS SHIT SHOW IS COMING ALIVE. Things have been a snooze so far but it fees like maybe a change is coming? I’m scared to even talk about it, but I’m pretty confident about how we’re beginning to turn a corner with the ladies of NYC. Praise the Gods of Bravo. I’m excited. I’m SO EXCITED you could knock me out and send me to a taxidermist and hang me in the fish room.
OHMYGOD the fish room. Have you ever heard of anything so silly as grown ass people not wanting to stay in a particular room? This is a mansion for crying out loud. This isn’t a room in a Motel 6. I can’t believe we’re even still talking about this stupid bedroom. It’s clearly a boys room, my dudes. Dorinda even says it herself this week. So everybody settle down, let the fishes be, and maybe take a Xanax.
Butttttttt … LU GOTTA LUUUUU … which means ol’ girl will not let it go. She’s really got to beat this dead horse until we’re all crying and bowing to her demands. She can’t stay in the room because the last time she did she was super hung over. I guess it’s triggering for her? WOW. OK. She’s gonna pull the rehab card. I wish she’d take her own advice her and not be all … UNCOOL, but what are you gonna do?
I’m not buying this story for a second. Not even LuAnn can be this sensitive (except OBVI she is). She’s so upset, she checks with the hotel where they’re having dinner to see if she can get a room for the night. I would sleep on the cold bathroom floor or in the bathtub if Dorinda wanted me to … this is crazy. Don’t worry though, Tinsley is here to save the day by giving up her room, so The Countess doesn’t have to sleep with the fishes.
WHAT A JERK.
This princess behavior continues once everyone is back at Blue Stone Manor. Tinsley has to get out of Lu’s room … she had unpacked her suitcases and had things in drawers and in the closet. She’ packing up her Louis Vuitton bags and it’s clearly not fast enough for Queen Lu. You can see everyone is sick of Lu’s shitty diva behavior (even Sonja who was pretending to be Team Lu), but Dorinda takes the whole thing in stride. She’s breathing through the all the drama and has even ordered a yoga instructor and masseuse for the next day … at LuAnn’s request. It’s like Dorinda is running a summer camp.
After yoga the next morning … the ladies visit Venfort Hall, an old Morgan family estate. They take a tour and Sonja sorta goes coo coo. She tells us Morgan family history and talks about the expense of keeping up an old family home and talks about similarities to her townhouse. There are beat up floors here, she has beat up floors in the townhouse, the Morgans slept in different rooms, she and her husband slept in different rooms in the townhouse, this furniture at Ventfort has claw feet, her furniture at the townhouse has claw feet. It’s uhhhhh … REAL WEIRD … but then she levels up and looks at pictures on the walls and talks about the people she sees as if she knows them and becomes horrified when she sees that papers and documents on desks aren’t protected under glass or shielded with plastic. So … she’s a museum curator now?? The girls can see she’s kinda losing it and they get her out of the house and all go back to Blue Stone Manor.
Back at the Manor … while most of the ladies are out at the pool being silly and having fun Dorinda pulls LuAnn aside (moments before her massage appointment) to apologize. It’s real and thorough and heartfelt and direct. It’s exactly what Lu has been looking for and now MAYBE this Jovani mess can be put to bed and we can move on to something else.
Then … CUE THE SAD TROMBONE … Babs arrives.
She loves Dorinda’s house but then acts like a real jack ass because she’s got the fish room. Lu has clearly been bitching to her about this room because how would she even know to be a dick about it? Maybe it’s fine and she’s not into it either … but I think she’s just trying to stir up a little drama too to get her boring ass on my favorite TV show … so I AINT BUYING THIS EITHER. If she’s so calm and rational and awesome … why does she care about what room she’s sleeping in for the night? Uhhh … I am officially finished with this one. She’s not a cast member and she keeps popping up and I’d fall asleep right now talking about her except her bullshit is filling me with white hot rage.
When Bethenny arrives (thank God) she has just seen A Star is Born and she’s a crying mess. I think this means I have to be nice to Bethenny now (even when she flies somewhere to hand out gift cards). The story is similar to hers (lol kinda) and it was hard for her to watch, but she loved it. Dorinda & Bethenny talk about Lu’s attitude. Suddenly Bethenny comes out from under LuAnn’s spell. We hear about how Lu was ALL CABARET ALL THE TIME even right after Dennis died. So I guess Bethenny has finally had it and PRAISE THE LORD because somebody’s gotta get this girl back to reality.
While this is going on Art Smith (of used to be Oprah’s Chef fame) shows up with a naked chef? Dorinda has hired this dude to make dinner. I think it’s supposed to be sexy maybe? It’s mostly weird. Naked Chef is hairy (complete with hairy ass) and only wearing a leather apron. It’s totally … NOT SEXY AT ALL and the girls are not super into this dude and it’s pretty shocking since they’re all horndogs. I mean … 911 … not even Ramona likes it … so you know it‘s not even lukewarm on the sexy scale.
Meanwhile … Sonja who has slowly been getting WASTED over the course of the afternoon ... is suddenly OLD SONJA ... there’s dancing and silliness and slurring. Everyone sits down for Naked Chef Dinner and talk turns to their visit to Ventfort Hall … and Sonja gets hysterical about the Morgan letters that shouldn’t be touched and bursts into tears and …