BARING THEIR TEETH (RHOBH RECAP)
It’s the RHOBH’s fallout from Kyle and Lisa’s melee over the age-old question: Did she or didn’t she sell stories about Dorit’s animal neglect to Radar-Online? The aftershocks are proving pretty mind-numbing. Most of the ladies are out for a night of gossip and cocktails, plus Aaron, Denise Richards’ newly-minted husband, who certainly lost some kind of bet to have to attend this outing. As Kyle recounts being kicked out of Lisa’s house, the women sit mouths agape, foreheads frozen, doing their best facsimile of shock and awe, given the amount of Botulinum toxin paralyzing their faces into eternal youth.
Back at Villa Rosa, Lisa VP is planning a major kitchen reno. Her traumatic fight with Kyle occurred in her kitchen, and surely one cannot be expected to steep tea bags on a counter that has been sullied with the raspy accusations of woman who has gone all in on wearing douchey hats.
In the least surprising storyline in the history of the world, PK has diabetes. Which I could have told you just by watching the show. Dorit is distraught because if his Type 2 diabetes worsens, it can turn into Type 1, said no one in the medical community ever. Also Dorit’s jewelry this season is insane. It’s like someone launched her into the plastic accessories rack at a Forever21 and whatever stuck is now her aesthetic.
Dorit also describes all the food PK ate on their first date and she refers to Coca Cola by its full name, which makes it sound like a totally foreign word she’s never uttered until this very moment, proving once again that she’s a total sociopath.
Erika, Denise, and Lisa R meet up for some aerial yoga where they make a lot of inane sex jokes and Lisa plans a post-wedding party for Denise. No one has heard from LVP because LVP is doing what LVP does best - ignoring everyone she’s mad at until one day they inevitably come groveling back. At that point, she’ll undercut them for an entire season and once they’ve been sufficiently and very publicly humiliated, they’ll be allowed back into her inner circle. Lisa VP has extended an olive branch to Denise Richards with an invite to her birthday party, because Denise is new, impartial, and like any first-season housewife, has not yet challenged Lisa VP for the throne.
Denise agrees to drop by Lisa’s birthday party before she heads out to her own post-wedding bash with the other ladies. She plans to use this opportunity to mend fences between Lisa and the other women. But Lisa is late to her own party and by the time she arrives, Denise has to leave. They exchange some pleasantries and Lisa confesses she’s hurt by the other women, but nothing of substance occurs. Denise then hightails it over to her own party where all the women are salivating over any morsel of gossip Denise can share about Lisa VP. Lisa R can’t understand why Lisa VP has cut them all out - she’s never had any beef with Lisa VP. RECORD SCRATCH. CUE MONTAGE OF YEARS OF SHADE BETWEEN VANDERPUMP AND RINNA. If these women ate anything, someone would have undoubtedly choked on a canapé when they heard Lisa spout this BS.
Camille, who is hilarious and lovely and mean and drunk all at the same time, roasts her ex, Kelsey Grammer (more of this please) and then, by way of discussing her past as a dental assistant, makes fun of Lisa VP’s old teeth, before veneers (less of this please). The ladies feign discomfort but they can’t muffle their giggles or joy at someone unabashedly lampooning Lisa VP’s appearance. If only these women would spend a little more time raising each up while also skewering Dorit for her shady business dealings and history of lies and deceit, the world would be a kinder place.