I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER (RHONY RECAP)
Winter has been trying to kill me friends! I’m tired. I’m eating everything but my shoes. I’m crankier than usual. BUT I FEEL A TURN AROUND COMING and I’m ALMOST ready to believe I might make it out of this winter alive. WHY? Well, the greatest show on television is coming back to rescue me from my despair, OF COURSE. I didn’t even freak out at Subway at lunch when I said pickles and the sandwich dude gave me black olives. (BLACK OLIVES ON A SANDWICH CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE) He put that garbage on my 6” veggie patty and I smiled at the SOB in spite of wanting to puke in his face. I couldn’t help myself. Who can care about black olives at a time like this? Who can care about anything when you’ve gotta brace yourself for the magic of the ladies of NYC. Hell, I’m even starting to think spring might be on its way.
The season premiere of RHONY always cracks me up. We don’t jump right in to a drama, that might be too much for even the GREATEST fan to handle. We watch quietly from our couches as the women are slowly lowered into our cage. We meet each of the women at the end of summer … and ONE by ONE. They’re like your favorite candy … a whole bag all at once might be too much of a shock to the system. The season 11 opening episode is VERY MUCH like watching all of the characters of Game of Thrones slowly come together to fight the White Walkers. Don’t let that scare you. A slow start for these queens means a spectacular battle is on the horizon.
So let’s check-in, shall we??
We meet D in the park. She’s got her readers on and she is giving us MOM USING AN IPHONE FOR THE FIRST TIME REALNESS. Is she texting? Is she using an app? We don’t really care, it’s just good to see the ol’ hussy. She meets up with the world’s luckiest gay dude (he must be gay right, what straight guy is gonna do this) for a walk around the reservoir in Central Park. YOU LOOK GOOD, GIRL (you guys, she really does). Her hair is the blondest blonde, is that a new cut? She’s tan. Has she lost weight? Girlfriend is glowing. Well, maybe I’m just so glad to see her I can’t see the dents. Dorinda gets right down to business, which is why we love her … she takes us and throws us into a big giant pool of exposition. Listen up, everybody. This is a pro at work dishing on what we’re gonna get this season. Dorinda has been in the Berkshire’s most of the summer, darling. LIKE USUAL, BITCH. She’s been working on being healthy and exercising and she has decided she doesn’t handle alcohol well
(PARDON ME WHILE I LOOK DIRECTLY AT THE CAMERA).
D is stuck on last season’s spat with LuAnn and gives us a sassy rundown of what Lu has been up to recently, “Married, divorced, arrested, assaulted a police officer, went to rehab, came out of rehab, was drinking the whole time, went back to rehab.” I cannot wait for that wrestling match.
PHEW. If you thought B was emotional last season hold on to your Rolex. Three weeks before filming started her on again off again man friend Dennis died of an overdose. B is …….. OK? Maybe? I think? I guess? I don’t know. It’s hard to say really. I definitely feel for her and I absolutely cannot believe she’s filming so soon after his death. Bethenny is a champ for even being here and she’s clearly in the middle of grief and it is sad and all but when we meet her she’s surrounded by a few expertly placed Skinny Girl items and some friends we’ve never met. Yes, that was a read. Oh, well, find your comfort anyway you can, Momma.
Have I said I miss Carole yet? You guys. I miss Carole.
BUT IN THE MEAN TIME … a check-in with Ms. Morgan will do. . .
Uhhhhhhhh … Sonja lives in a building now? Like an actual high rise. From the outside it looks like an old folks home. Yellow brick. Zero glamor. Inside? Well, if you’ve ever been to NYC then you know what’s happening on the inside. THIS APARTMENT LOOKS TINY AF. What is she doing? Is this a dorm room? The halls are narrow and it’s sorta dark and I am flummoxed. I miss the townhouse. I KNOW I KNOW. That doesn’t make one single bit of sense for one tiny little lady, but … this is depressing. Where’s she going to keep JP’s antique napkins?? Will that magenta dog of hers have enough room to run around?? You might be thinking THIS IS NOT THE SONJA FROM LAST SEASON, THAT CRAZY BISH I LOVE AND ADORE HAS VANISHED WHAT SHALL I DOOOOOO!? No? Just me? Don’t worry, before you know it she’s talking about painting her new apartment PINK (lol whut) and we see her reading the NYT in bed while in the next room an intern (ahem … assistant) makes breakfast for her. So … JK JK JK … it’s business at usual in the new refrigerator box she’s calling home.
To keep you calm and aware nothing has changed for the divine Ms. Morgan … she’s got her Grey Gardens Energy turned all the way up and her first order of business this episode is … to have the intern TAPE BATH TOWELS … over the windows so the neighbors can’t gawk at her.
Should I start a gofundme?? What a beautiful disaster.
Speaking of disasters … LuAnn is at her beautiful (yet simple and down to Earth) dream home in Sag Harbor. It’s really just out on Long Island not too farm from the Hamptons but LuAnn gotta LuAnn. She’s arranging flowers outside and tending to her Vespas? Yes, girl. That’s plural. I guess that’s how you do it in Sag Harbor. You watch the news (ie The Dorinda Medley News Hour) so you know Lu has had a rough time since we last saw her.
Remember … she wasn’t even at last season’s reunion. GASP.
What was that all about? Well, Girlfriend fell in love with a house in Upstate New York but she couldn’t get a bank loan to buy it … so she decided to sell her place in the Hamptons (ie the house in Sag Harbor). This is fine, except that she had an agreement that if she were to sell the house she’d use that money to set up a trust for her kids. So … her kids sued her.
I KNOW. WAY HARSH, TAI.
This threw her way off and sent her back to rehab. Things are great now though (fingers crossed)? Lu recounts the whole thing to her friend Barbara, telling her she has been sober now for 53 days. I think Babs might be a new cast member? Weird, since she looks like she should maybe be a Jersey Housewife.
Inspired by that crazy trip to Columbia last season (you know … the one where these bitches almost died on a boat ride) Ramona has decided to take swimming lessons. LOL. Yeah. She doesn’t know how to swim. Ramona has hired an instructor to come to her place in the Hamptons and teach her. The teacher … Boris … is a pretty cute dude somewhere around Ramona’s age. She flirts with him mercilessly. It’s uncomfortable, which I guess is exactly what you’d expect from swimming lessons for Ramona. It’s a sexual harassment case waiting to happen.
You guys. I wanna like this one. I really do. She’s so messy though, and like not really even in a fun way. She spent her summer in Chicago with Scott. (PS if y’all see this one out around Chicago and you don’t take pics and text them to me … I’m never speaking to you again). She played hostess and “wife” (pretend those are finger quotes and picture me with my eyes rolling so hard you hear them drop to the back of my head) for Scott’s employees and talks about it like the gold digger she is. I meannnnnn … she is right? She’s so clearly a gold digger I’m having a hard time paying attention. This shit is TRANSPARENT. Are straight men this dumb? What in the world.
Girlfriend might be a gold digger … but she kicks off the season’s action by having a car delivered. Yeah. You read that right. Scott has sent Tinsley a Bentley (YOU GUYS WTF). She and Sonja are driving out to meet the girls in the Hamptons, because of course they are. I don’t understand why a rich person would want to drive anywhere ever ESPECIALLY IN AND AROUND NEW YORK CITY (I’ve done it … it’s terrible). When I win the lotto the first thing I’m doing is getting a driver. Why on Earth would you spend the money to get a BENTLY of all things to DRIVE YOURSELF out to the Hamptons? Nah, girl, lemme have somebody do that FOR ME. I mean how is she gonna drive? Does she know she can’t do it in heels? The ride is off to the exact rocky start you would expect. I really hope they don’t die.
As they leave … Dorinda arrives at Ramona’s. Her first order of business is to deliver the SHADIEST moment of the premiere. D gifts Ramona a candle in a canvas bag … A CANVAS BAG THAT WAS GIVEN OUT TO GUESTS AT LUANN AND TOMS WEDDING. ZOMG. LOL. Talk about a bad omen, girl, why would you bring that energy into season 11, what is wrong with you. (also. omg. amazing. I love it.) I don’t think Ramona is shocked that this is happening, but you can definitely see in her eyes that Lu is REALLY bothering Dorinda and we are all FAR FROM THE SHALLOW NOW. And I think y’all know if Ramona is looking at you like you’ve lost the plot then … SHIT IS BAD. They gossip about the Lu/Dorinda drama and Ramona really does her best to try to calm the situation.
Cut to Lu arriving at Bethenny’s place with Barbara in tow. I knew I was going to have a hard time accepting Carole’s replacement but this bitch pulls out a tool kit (I guess it’s from her company BUT STILL) to gift Bethenny so I’ll just be over here waiting for Ramona to eat her face in a couple weeks. They sit in B’s back yard and LuAnn monologues everyone about Dorinda and Ramona. What shocks me most about this particular scene is Bethenny has set out shrimp and oysters … and DIDNT SHE FLIP OUT ABOUT A FISH ALLERGY LAST YEAR?
The storm is a brewin’ my dudes.
It won’t be long now before Khaleesi rides in and sets her dragons lose. I can’t wait to see the wigs fly.