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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

DIRTY DOGS (RHOBH RECAP)

DIRTY DOGS (RHOBH RECAP)

It’s happening. RHOBH started off so promising but now we’re on the fourth hour of Returned-Adopted-Dog-Gate and if Brandi Glanville doesn’t show up soon I’m gonna OD on whatever Lisa VP was huffing in the premiere.

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Dorit recaps the dog fiasco. Here’s a story. About a vapid lady. Who adopted a dog from Vanderpump Dogs. Doggie bit her kids. And her awful husband. And then she gave it away to some woman named Shelley and it ended up in a kill shelter. La la la la la.

Here’s what else we know:  Lisa VP’s employee, John Blizzard, tells Teddi all about Dorit’s dirty dog deeds. Remember, Teddy and Dorit had beef last season. So now all of the women think Lisa, who is clearly upset about the returned dog, egged on Blizzard so Teddi would spar with Dorit. Teddi feels set up; Lisa VP is incredulous about the accusation; and Lisa Rinna, who is clinging to years of unresolved issues with Lisa VP, is throwing eye of newt and toe of frog in her cauldron chanting incantations to destroy LVP.

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Erika and Teddi head out for a game of golf. Leave it to Erika to dress like someone playing a golfer in a porno. Teddi confides that she is convinced she is being set up to attack Dorit for Lisa’s grievances. Erika coaches Teddi to confront Lisa VP with the most inspiring pep talk since Gordon Bombay’s Quack Quack Quack monologue in Mighty Ducks. With her oratory skills, Erika could convince me to give birth sans meds if she wanted to and I needed a medically induced C-section.

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Meanwhile Dorit, Lisa Rinna, Camille, and Denise “Mothafuckin” Richards (that’s the only way to introduce her) head out on a boat ride. Dorit is distraught that Lisa is gunning for her and Lisa Rinna is all “Lisa VP is the devil. The dog bit your kids and you needed to protect them so you HAD to give it away. Dorit, you’re a saint. Lisa is Satan incarnate.”

Only Camille Richards says what everyone watching is thinking: Why didn’t Dorit give the dog back to Lisa? Why didn’t she call her immediately? This is the SECOND dog Dorit gave away after adoption? Shouldn’t Lisa VP have a right to be irate? Leave it to Camille Grammer, the once-most-despised housewife ever, to become the voice of reason on this show.

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Later that day, Teddi heads to Lisa VP’s room for what she hopes is an apology but turns out that Lisa wants an explanation for why Teddi feels set up. Teddi shows Lisa a text where Blizzard asserted that Lisa wanted Teddi to find out about the dog situation, presumably so she could start shit with Dorit. Lisa denies this to be true so Teddi marches over to Dorit (on the other side of this massive suite) to declare fealty to her cause while Lisa looks on wistfully.

At dinner with all the ladies, Teddi glares at Lisa, Lisa glares at Teddi, Kyle prattles on about some Rolex she just had delivered to the table, and Denise Richards just wants a burger and fries. Lisa feels shut out of dinner chatter and flounces away from the table to pack her things. Teddi shows everyone the incriminating text from John Blizzard and all of the ladies’ hone in on Kyle, LVP’s bestie, to answer for her. Kyle agrees that the ‘set up’ is pretty typical LVP behavior but what is Kyle to do? She doesn’t speak for LVP, plus she has a huge Rolex she needs to tend to.

Back in Beverly Hills, Lisa bemoans the awful trip to Ken. But Ken perks up, awakened by the prospect of detective work; stirred by righting a wrong in the name of his much younger and hotter wife. Turns out Teddi ain’t the only one who can text. Well, in this case print off texts on 8.5 x 11 paper. Ken paid a little visit to John Blizzard and had him print off texts that show Teddi asking Blizzard to have the dog ready when Teddi visited Vanderpump Dogs with Bravo cameras so Teddi could surface the returned-dog issue and make Dorit look like Cruella de Vil. WHOA. This just got almost interesting. If we want to get to the bottom of this issue, we’ll need more Denise Richards. Not because I think she can solve it but because she’ll make it a hell of a lot more entertaining.

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER (RHONY RECAP)

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER (RHONY RECAP)

TEARS ON MY PILLOW (BACHELOR RECAP)

TEARS ON MY PILLOW (BACHELOR RECAP)