TEARS ON MY PILLOW (BACHELOR RECAP)
Godammit, the Bachelor’s got me all in my feelings and maybe, all the sudden, I LOVE COLTON????
I think the truth is I have known A LOT of assholes. Randomly, I thought on the way to work today, I hope < < insert weird guy that I rejected > > doesn’t go nuts and shoot me someday. Because that is literally what it’s like to be a woman in America. You get on an elevator in a parking garage with a man and you’re like formulating what you’re gonna do if he lunges at you. You’re constantly managing some guy’s emotions so he literally does not kill you. You’re delicate with your rejections so he does not scream and throw shit at you.
So imagine my surprise when Colton was getting the rejection of his life and he was sad, upset, feeling his feelings, and also a perfect gentlemen. Right, there were cameras there, so I’m sure some of that affects your behavior, but like we’ve seen Colton lose his cool in front of the cameras before (Men Tell All anyone?) and I was like, oh my god, this is genuine! He like genuinely loves her and he’s not throwing things and screaming at her as his worst fears are realized, he’s helping her put her coat on and holding her hand.
And now, jesus, I just want to hold him to my bosom and stroke his football-shaped head and tell him about how life isn’t fair, and we don’t always get what we want, but all we can control is our reaction to life’s circumstances and strive to be the people we want to be, and bake him some cookies, and maybe put him in my bathtub with some bubbles and wash his hair, I don’t even know. But lord. I have known some assholes, y’all, and Colton ain’t one of ‘em.
But he also ain’t the smartest tool in the shed.
This season has made me think a lot about 1) being young and 2) self-fulfilling prophesies. Let’s be honest, no one knows anything until 30. Which is why we love this show, because watching a 23 year old try to figure out love is like watching Comp 101 students try to write decent thesis statements. I’M CONFUSED!!! they all cry. No shit. Because you’re 23 years old and your analytical brain sucks and you’ve been brainwashed into believing all this crazy shit like “when it’s the one, you’ll never have any doubts.” SPOILER ALERT: smart people have doubts and look at shit from all sorts of angles before they make a decision. That’s just good business.
No shit Cassie is confused. She thought she was just gonna go on this show and be an Instagram starlet and now she’s being pressured to fuck a virgin and get engaged and her dad is bringing up God and stuff and she’s like I HAVEN’T EVEN HAD A REAL JOB YET WHO AM I BESIDES THIS GORGEOUS GIRL WITH THE BUTTON NOSE AND TINY SILVER WRAP DRESS?
And then there’s Colton. Colton Colton Colton. Colton loves a thing he can’t have. Colton plays a high-stakes game—he saves his virginity for a television show and then puts unbelievable pressure on every woman he dates by forcing her to decide if she not only wants an entire nation to know that she took his virginity on national TV but if she will also promise to spend the rest of her life with him, this man she has known for 6 weeks. Even Cassie ain’t stupid enough for that.
Colton’s greatest fear is being alone at the end because he chose someone who doesn’t love him as much as he loves them, well, bro, you’re making that happen every single step of the way. You know who loved Colton? Tia. Tia thought stars shot out of Colton’s ass. But that was too easy, so BYE TIA. Hannah B. also seemed to LOVE Colton. Demi was obsessed with him too. BYE BITCHES. I think our girl Tayshia would make a go of it with Colton. I don’t know that she’s madly in love with him, but they have a friendship, that’s clear, and look if you literally want to be married for the next FORTY TO SIXTY YEARS, you pick someone who you can trust and that you have that foundation with. He seems to have that with Tayshia.
But no, no, that’s all too easy, and when you’re in your twenties, you make everything hard.
So of course he likes Cassie. She’s beautiful and unattainable and seems perfectly fun and agreeable. And of course she’s confused, she’s been sheltered by Daddy Matt her whole life. Daddy Matt jumped on a plane to fucking Portugal, that’s how clearly he views her as A CHILD WHO CANNOT MAKE DECISIONS.
But this is all to say that these are the experiences one has to go through to figure out who one really is and how to deal with life because life is hard as shit and look, the problems just keep getting bigger, so enjoy the free trip to Portugal now, amirite.
Let’s talk about the true hero of this episode, Chris Harrison. As you know, I love CH and want to make him my man (but apparently he’s dating some like entertainment reporter, whatever). But I love how Chris is the emotional backbone of the show. He’s the wise father figure. And you know what, I’m buying it. Chris had a long marriage, he had a divorce which probably was painful since most divorces are. And he’s seen a lot of young idiots on this show and I think he probably has a good pulse on what’s fame whoring and what’s genuine. But lord, did you expect Chris to pop out of the bushes to hunt down our on the lam boi? Girl, it made me hot.
Chris starts running down the road in his little zip up sweater. Dogs are barking. It feels like a Jordan Peele movie and my pulse is racing. I gotta give it to them, I don’t think I will ever fucking forget this impossible fence jump and how it made me, despite all my defenses, finally fall in love with Colton.
So here we are. Poor Hannah G doesn’t even get a fantasy suite because who fucking cares and we must embark on eight more hours of television to find out he and Cassie are dating in California. Look he was at the gym with her sister’s boyfriend the other day, so that is clear. But if we have to suffer through Hannah B as the Bachelorette per the internet rumors, I may really have to retire my recapping hat because HAS THAT GIRL SAID ONE INTELLIGENT THING IN HER ENTIRE LIFE OR JUST ATE WEIRD SHIT AND GROWLED AT THE CAMERA.