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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

TIL DEATH METAL DO US PART (RHOBH RECAP)

TIL DEATH METAL DO US PART (RHOBH RECAP)

A one, a two, a one, two, and pat the puss. That’s right, America - Erika Jayne is going on tour! Mikey, her indentured stylist, and his team of fashion peons who only attended design school during the high slits and push up bras week are on the case. Mikey is debuting costume sketches and he’s all like “This is sexy alien meets Nancy Pelosi meets a salami sandwich,” and Erika is like:

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Denise Richards, everyone’s favorite hot mom who doesn’t give AF, is getting married in two days. She started planning her wedding yesterday. The wedding planner is basically having a heart attack. The officiant, who is meeting with Denise and Aaron about their vows, has a baseball cap that says “FBI: Firm Believer in Jesus.” And just in case you didn’t get it the first time, the brim says “I Love Jesus.” Neither Denise nor Aaron are mercilessly bullying him for this. How could this be? This hat is a prosecutable offense. This hat has to be an “only-in-LA” thing, like dogs in purses or catastrophic wildfires destroying multi-million dollar mansions.

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Poor Lisa Vanderpump. She’s redoing her kitchen to deal with the loss of her brother. She’s convinced that if her kitchen is sparkly and pink enough, her grief will disappear down the drain of that gorgeous extra-wide undermount sink she’s considering and looking at it, maybe she’s right. My heart breaks for Lisa but I’m also very excited to see this kitchen reno. My feelings may be tacky but so is a pink kitchen so fair’s fair.

Ding dong, ding dong, it’s Denise’s wedding day. All the housewives show up looking fresh and chic for an outdoor afternoon wedding. But back at the ranch, Denise hasn’t even put on her dress yet and she’s an hour late for her own nuptials. But Denise is cool about it. She had a dream wedding before and it ended in divorce from the world's most slovenly swamp monster, Charlie Sheen, so she’s not taking this wedding or herself too seriously. Her daughter tells her that her heels hurt so Denise is like “Wear sneakers. I don’t give a shit.” Denise also invited all of her exes to her wedding, even Charlie (though he can’t go) cuz she’s so damn cool about everything. This woman is a beautiful middle-finger to all the petty drama on this show and I feel both cleansed and much dirtier for loving her so much. It’s confusing. Denise finally slips into a lace romper and veil and literally says “Let’s blow this popsicle stand,” as she heads off to be married with her children and wide-necked fiancé by her side.

Meanwhile the ladies have been sitting out in the hot sun waiting for Denise so their faces start to melt off. Erika Jayne, who opted for a black jumper from Lisa Rinna’s QVC line is about to combust under that poly-blend. But before the women disappear into a puddle of Botox and designer bags, Denise and her crew arrive and she and Aaron triumphantly march down the aisle to heavy metal music. All the ladies seem pretty horrified but are trying to say something nice so they’re like “That’s so Denise.” Yeah that IS ladies and you wish you could be her, so BACK OFF. The whir of a helicopter signals that paparazzi are descending on this wedding. It’s slightly off-putting to everyone save Lisa Rinna who is waving at the camera man in the bushes, hoping that this might keep her relevant. The best part of this wedding is that there is ZERO talk of dog-gate.

But all good things must come to an end and the very next day, Dorit gets a notification on her phone about some story that claims that LVP is gutted by the fact that Dorit returned a dog. She cries out to PK, who is donning a black turtleneck and looking like Steve Jobs’ alcoholic cousin, that Lisa’s camp must have planted this story.

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Oh WHO CARES? Not me! I only care about Denise Richards. Not all the people you defrauded. They just want their money. Can we just move on to say, Denise Richard’s honeymoon? I’m bet it’s taking place right now at a TGI Fridays and everyone’s ordering the Big Rib dinner for $12.99. I don’t want to miss it.

GIANT AIR BISCUIT (RHONY RECAP)

GIANT AIR BISCUIT (RHONY RECAP)

5 TRUE CRIME DOCUMENTARIES THAT WILL MAKE YOU SCREAM

5 TRUE CRIME DOCUMENTARIES THAT WILL MAKE YOU SCREAM