GIANT AIR BISCUIT (RHONY RECAP)
Listen, you know I love this show more than cheese, and I really do not wanna speak ill of my queens but this episode was a real SNOOZE. We’re talking next level BORING. The most interesting thing happening at the moment is watching Babs try to hold her eyes open. I thought her crazy snake eyes were because of the Botox or the surgery or fillers or something, but maybe that Jersey lookin’ broad is LITERALLY ASLEEP. I know I am … so who can blame her?! It might be time to call Carole. Hell, at this point, Carole wouldn’t have to do very much. She could just read the news on her phone and occasionally look up and watch her 37 kittens (ALL NAMED BABY) run around her tiny ass apartment. That would be more interesting than what we’re getting right now. I know Bethenny just suffered a HUGE loss, but can one of y’all check her batteries. Is she turned on? I’ve never seen such flailing on RHONY. This show might be in a full on MAYDAY MOMENT … somebody better take a trip to Cartagena or pull off a fake leg real soon because I’m getting restless.
Last week was all dramatic and ended by giving us Law & Order sounds and a big all caps TO BE CONTINUED … which usually means somebody’s going to lose a tooth.
We came back this week to Dorinda talking to LuAnn at Sonja’s Paper Magazine Party. Nothing major happens there except the two agree to talk at some point. So thank God they got my heart rate up last week. I guess I burned off those 42 Cadbury Eggs I nervous-ate while watching the show. It’s all fine though, I GUESS, because just as I’m yelling at my TV because OMG can this dumb fight be over yet … some chick says hello to Sonja and walks right up to her and tongue kisses her for what feels like 45 minutes. It’s probably the very best moment of the whole entire night. It’s random and weird and Bethenny nails it by calling it “a total drive by lesbian moment.” That’s exactly what is is because once this woman is done playing tonsil hockey with Ms Morgan she leaves the party.
I MEAN WOW YOU GUYS.
Wait. Maybe there’s a tie for best moment of the night. Our girl Ramona goes on a date set up for her by a matchmaker.
YES. I SAID MATCHMAKER. NO. YOURE NOT WATCHING FIDDLER ON THE ROOF. I don’t even know, friends. I DO NOT KNOW. I’m just a poor girl from Chicago. I can’t answer your questions.
Momma Singer can’t be bothered with swiping left or right or up or whatever the teenagers are doing these days, so she hired somebody to do that shit for her. THATS HOW RICH LADIES DO IT? She might want to consider firing the matchmaker because this dude looks like a comic book villain. That’s not a compliment. He’s bald and awkward and not super cute and begins the date by kissing Ramona on each cheek. Fine, who even cares how you greet people except … he then compliments her for getting it right. He lived in Paris for two years dontcha know, and the double cheek thing is how he does it now.
Oh My God in Heaven. Do men take classes in being ASS HATS? WHAT IN THE WORLD.
I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a housewife work so hard for her paycheck. Ramona might win an Oscar and I’m not even kidding. It might be the very worst date I have ever witnessed AND YOU GUYS I WATCH THE BACHELOR. This date is REALLY REALLY REALLY BAD … it’s awkward and terrible, but the editors are also working their asses off here to earn their money. It’s a trainwreck, a housefire, a car accident … I CANNOT TURN AWAY.
NOT CUTE - Lex Luthor delivers and epic monologue while we all (including Ramona) try to not walk into traffic to end it. Everything is OK though, because each time he says something terrible it’s met with Ramona in her confessional saying she’s looking for the exact opposite of whatever this jerk says. He’s never been married (but almost has gotten married 8 different times) … cut to her saying she’s looking for someone who has been married before … and the back and forth goes on FOR A WHILE.
EIGHT TIMES? I guess there really is someone for every single one of us. So like … perk up good buddy.
OHMYGOD. What a nightmare!
Don’t worry though … Tinsley is here to save the day.
LOL I’m almost not kidding.
Tinsley is on screen and says more than 3 words and I’m so shocked and amazed and sorta delighted, except everything she says is directed to Vampire Lestat. Oops, I’m sorry, I mean her mother. That’s her mom she’s talking to? Talk about Grey Gardens … these two are a real hot mess. Mom, who clearly hasn’t been in the sun since 1970, has her winter dark hair teased into the shape of a dark brown football helmet and is wearing more eyeliner than … TINSLEY … y’all these ladies wear a goddamned lot of eyeliner … there’s so much eyeliner it’s hard to tell if her eyes are even open there’s just black where her eyeballs should be … maybe she too is ASLEEP
Ma makes a whole moment out of the shoes she’s wearing. The shoes, it turns out, are from Tinsley’s ex-husband’s new wife’s company. OH MY GOD THAT SENTENCE WAS EXHAUSTING TO TYPE. Did you follow that math? This bitch is wearing shoes from Tinsley’s ex, basically. MY GOD MOM. I really wish T would choke her vampire mother and throw her off the roof, but then T would be poor and have to go to work at McDonald’s so she could feed her dog. WAIT. That would be more exciting than all of this BS. Anyway, once the shoe scandal happens, she makes sure to tell Tins, that her ex has a gorgeous baby. I haven’t seen this kind of guilt since my morther-in-law convinced me to host Passover at my house last year and I walked away thinking it was MY idea.
Worried that it couldn’t possibly get more awkward for Tinsley?
Tinsley and Momma Lestat meet Sonja for drinks. Neither women believe Tinsley is happy with Scott. I mean how on Earth could she be with a rich dude for this long and get free Bentley’s delivered from Chicago along with free penthouse apartments AND NOT have a ring on her finger and a big fat pregnant belly?! Thank goodness it’s 1950, you guys. Apparently a woman at Tinsley’s age (40ish) should know within a few months if she wants to stick around for more. Because, you know, being married is the most important thing a woman can do.
WHAT IS HAPPENING!
CAN SOMEONE PLEASE THROW THIS WOMAN OFF THE ROOF?
This all sounds like fun, right? I mean it’s the sort of thing you turn to the Housewives for … but then we get back to what this whole season of RHONY is about. I mean I GUESS?
QUICK GRAB A COFFEE IM ABOUT TO PUT YOU TO SLEEP.
Bethenny and Babs chaperone a meeting for LuAnn and Dorinda in Little Italy? I thought Little Italy a thing only school groups and moms did while visiting NYC, but OKAY. Babs and Dorinda definitely do not have this idea about Little Italy because they both come dressed as gangsters from a movie. I’m not kidding, that is not sarcasm … it is an actual thing I watched on my television. Babs is in all black complete with a fedora and Dorinda comes dressed as … Lil’ Wayne? Again. NOT KIDDING. She’s got on an Adidas sweat shirt with the shoulders cut out of the sleeves and pink hair … I guess she’s GAY Lil’ Wayne? It’s weird and possibly racist.
Anyway they all talk. Dorinda just wants everything to go back to normal and makes sure to tell Lu she loves her and wishes her well. Lu … isn’t really having it. She’s nice to Dorinda and wishes her well too, but girlfriend has a wall up and A GIGANTIC COLD ASS ATTITUDE. This crap is so confusing to me. Isn’t making amends part of THE PROGRAM? Like aren’t you supposed to just forgive as hard as you can? I don’t get it. ALSO? Can a cabaret show go to your head this much? It’s nuts. I hope this isn’t Lu’s idea of working to keep a story line because this story is BORING AF.
Bethenny uses this opportunity to get each of them to admit to something and have a real conversation. OMG WOW GOOD IDEA. Except Dorinda will not admit she heckled Lu’s show by screaming JOVANI and B’s effort goes NOWHERE. The only good thing about this GANGSTA meeting is Lu and D agree to a truce.
Sounds like we’re gonna move on, right?
LOL … you’re so stupid.
A day or two or whatever later (after you’ve woken up from your nap) …
Babs visits Dorinda. It seems D wants to move into a new place. It’s time for a change and her current apartment is full of old memories and sadness. This means she’ll probably have to do a little remodeling, so she calls her buddy … SNAKE EYES BARBARA … to consult with her about it. They walk through and Babs has the nerve to judge Dorinda’s place. I MEAN DID YOU SEE THE DECORATING IN BARBARA’S PLACE? IT WAS BASIC AF AND THIS BITCH IS CHOKING ON MONEY SO LIKE HIRE A DECORATOR YOU MOSTER. Anyway the convo goes from renovations to … how disappointed LuAnn was by the GANGSTA MEETING. Turns out … The Countess expected an apology. Babs keeps digging at Dorinda and shames her for not being able to admit she did anything wrong.
OH MY GOD.
HOW LONG WILL THIS GO ON???
Dorinda goes full on CHRISTMAS IN THE BERKSHIRES AT BLUE STONE MANOR and asks SNAKE EYES BARBARA to leave. Thank goodness because I’m falling asleep and it’s time to jet over to NYC to put Nair in Lu’s shampoo bottles, shave Barbra’s head and throw Tinsley’s Mom from the tallest building I can find.