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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

WHO LET THE DOGS OUT (RHOBH RECAP)

WHO LET THE DOGS OUT (RHOBH RECAP)

It’s neon. It’s mesh. It’s ugly as sin. It’s Dorit’s Beverly Beach photoshoot! Out of all the businesses across the Housewives Franchise, this feels more legitimate than Sonja Morgan’s toaster-oven venture but way less lucrative than Pandora’s line of cheap Rosés. It’s also mired in lawsuits because Dorit and the human dung heap to whom she’s married, PK, have defrauded all the people they’ve ever met. I wish this season was laser focused on the Kemsley’s mounting debt and moral depravity but nooo, Dorit had to adopt a dog and then give it away so it ended up in a kill shelter. So here we are. Hour 9 million of this damned dog controversy.

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Camille and Lisa Rinna discuss Dorit and the dog while they tour some party space for Camille’s 50th birthday. Though Camille concedes that Lisa VP does set people up to do her dirty work - in this case, Teddi, in order to bring down Dorit over neglecting a dog she adopted from Vanderpump - she believes that Dorit is shady too. Did Dorit adopt a dog to try to get closer to LVP (good question)? Is she as rich as she acts (HELL NO)? Camille is bringing much needed truth and sanity to this show and no one cares because everyone wants to take down LVP. But I care, Camille. I do. And maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even in the next three years, but someday, you’re gonna get a full-time role on this show again, and then you can systematically destroy all these women with your newfound wisdom, grace, and super cutting side-eye.

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Just when I was sure that Teddi was the least charismatic person in California, we meet Val, her therapist. Val isn’t your regular therapist. Val is a cool therapist because she meets her clients where they are. Which is why we’re on some sort of athletic walk with these two snoozers. Teddi talks about being manipulated by Vanderpump to bring down Dorit. Val is like, “it sounds like you were manipulated.” Teddi is like, “I hate feeling like this.” Val is like, “You probably hate feeling like this.” Teddi is like, “You always know what to say.” Val is like, “That will be $1000 - an envelope of cash is preferred.”

Cue Yakety Sax because it’s time for the #RHOBH moment of levity brought to you by Denise Richards. Denise and her fiancé Aaron join Lisa and Kyle for a boozy dinner where Denise spends the entire meal talking about the size of her man’s penis. This makes Kyle and Lisa giggle like two middle-aged women who haven’t had orgasms in so long and just remembered that sex can actually be fun and liberating rather than something you pencil in once a week after their chemical neck peel and before their blow out.

Camille’s 50th is upon us and no sooner do the ladies start celebrating than Dorit confronts Teddi about her involvement in trying to bring her down over Dog-Gate. Teddi immediately admits that she was going to spread around that Dorit gave away a dog she adopted from Lisa and it ended up in a kill shelter. She concedes she had planned to do this to get back at Dorit for being a generally awful person. But she didn’t because Teddi’s conscience kicked in. Teddi stands firm in her conviction that Lisa and her staff were feeding Teddi information to bring down Dorit so Lisa could remain innocent while still ruining Dorit’s reputation. Then Lisa and Kyle arrive and Dorit confronts Lisa. Lisa denies knowing anything but also clearly knows something because she told Dorit that Teddi knew somehow about the dog and Dorit should prepare to defend herself. So obviously, Lisa’s hands aren’t clean. Lisa Rinna is dancing a smug happy dance because Lisa VP has been caught in a lie. It’s so profoundly stupid. Stupider still is Dorit is all “The truth will set you free, Lisa.” Says the woman who is pretending to be rich while also declaring bankruptcy. Screw her. Screw all these women except Denise Richards who is perfect and should be worshipped as such. Long live Denise!

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SO MUCH LUANN (RHONY RECAP)

SO MUCH LUANN (RHONY RECAP)

THE BRUNETTES V. THE BLONDES (RHONY RECAP)

THE BRUNETTES V. THE BLONDES (RHONY RECAP)