SO MUCH LUANN (RHONY RECAP)
Can we talk about these taglines? We haven’t talked about the taglines and GD I love a tagline. I actually made one up for myself this weekend and literally fell down in the street laughing at myself about it and now I can’t remember it. No, I wasn’t drunk, I was high on my tofu scramble, IM A GROWN UP. I can’t be drunk in the street. I also should stop falling down in the street I’m over forty these brittle bones can’t take me acting a fool. I can’t believe I forgot my own tagline, hashtag 40. I forget everything now. I’m surprised I remembered to take notes to write this silliness for you. Anywho. These taglines.
Bethenny: When life gives me limes I make margaritas
This is OK, cute I guess? It reminds me of the tequila trip to Mexico where everybody was having fun and Lu fell down in the bushes. I’m gonna say B+
Sonja: People call me over the top but lately I prefer being a bottom
Is she pandering to me here? This is clearly for the gays. Imma give it a B.
Ramona: The only thing I’ll settle for is more
So, now she’s Gayle King? It’s aiiiight, she can do better, but she’s my fave right now so … Let’s say … B-
LuAnn: I plead guilty to being fabulous
I love Lu, but she’s always so extra. B-
Dorinda: If you’ve got a problem with me it’s your problem
Sassy, bitchy, I like it. Given the BS that’s happening this season hers should be WHATEVER, BITCH SO I LIKE JOVANI. But you know she gotta make it nice. Let’s give this one an A-
Tinsley: Game set now I need a match
Really? This one’s a D for sure.
These are fine. I’m not blown away. And before you get sassy and bored on me I’ll just say SOMETIMES I AM. Sometimes the taglines make me LOL. These are pretty tame. Also? Is Barbara on the show or not? I’m confused. Is she just a friend of the girls? What’s happening? She’s on the show flapping her gums more than any of these other women, so like where’s the tagline? Right? WHERE IS IT. Don’t worry, I obviously went to the trouble of writing one for her.
I’m a poor man’s Jill Zarin, how you dourin?
That’s it. That’s the tag line. You’re welcome. She’s clearly Jill’s twin, they couldn’t just hire Jill? Sorry, but that clam bake and her attitude and her overprotected Jewish Mom thing she’s doing for LuAnn is WEARING ME OUT. Sit down so we can see Lu wrestle Ramona or eat a live chicken or something fun and more interesting.
Speaking of Babs and that disaster ass clam bake, we’re still at her poorly decorated shack in the Hamptons this week. Oh, yeah, girl. I’ve had an extra large coffee and I am READY TO SASS these fools. Whatever, I’m sure PMJZ (poor man’s Jill Zarin) is nice and all but these people are all out by the pool and it looks sorta cold to me? Maybe it’s just because I’m in Chicago and I’m cold and looking at people by a pool makes me chilly? Aren’t you rich? You can’t get a space heater for Bethenny? Some friend you are.
Maybe it’s not the temperature, but before any of us can really figure out why everything and everyone looks so uncomfortable (don’t they?) in comes hurricane Ramona. You guys, I fucking love Ramona. Girlfriend wasn’t even really invited to this CLAM BAKE, but she struts in to Barbara’s back yard like she’s Cher arriving at her next performance at Caesar’s Palace. She wouldn’t miss this shit for the world, and who can blame her. Thank God she’s here. I hope she greases up Lu and tosses her ass in the pool.
No such luck friends! As Ramona makes her way around and says hello to everyone and Lu stops her and tries to go right in and have it out ... did she have a B12 shot? SHE’S BEING SUPER EXTRA. It’s fine though, because Ms. Singer didn’t come to this CLAM BAKE without an invite to FIGHT with some second rate cabaret star from a reality show. No way! She’s calm AF and tells Lu (in the calmest voice with THE CALMEST EYES you’ve ever seen on Ramona) the party isn’t really the time and place to have a serious convo … and walks away to greet … POOR MANS JILL ZARIN. I meannnnn … I totes get why Ramona doesn’t want to get out the boxing gloves and work it out with LuAnn right now BUT ALSO … can we please resolve this mess right this minute so we can talk about something new. GAH.
The thing is thoughhhh … I can’t even be bothered to be mad about missing out on a good fight at a pool because the girls are all together and they’re sorta talking? So it feels like MAYBE (PLEASE GOD) this blondes v brunettes mess is going to end soon? MAYBE. What we learn at this little rap sesh is …
Tinsley can actually have a conversation with someone other than her mother (yes, girl, I said it). I mean she’s on the show and she’s being paid so like … DANCE (or something). She decides to give her condolences to Bethenny (Dennis died, did you already forget?)
Bethenny was engaged to Dennis. OMGAH I KNOW SO TRAGIC.
While we’re getting this intel … Ramona has made her way over to POOR MANS JILL ZARIN. What are they talking about? Don’t worry, it’s nothing new. They’re rehashing the Lu/Dorinda fight for the 97th time. Why not? We’ve only spent the last two episodes talking about it WHATS ONE MORE. Basically if you didn’t get the message before we’ll say it again next to some shellfish and some cute blow up swans … NEVER YELL JOVANI AT LUANN. She don’t like that. I guess we also touch on how Ramona is maybe a liar from bringing up how Lu left a party or some junk at the reunion but that’s so boring and old I won’t rehash it.
It’s going well! And BLEEP BLEEEEP BLEEEEEEEP … an alarm goes off. Don’t be scared, there’s not a storm or a tornado … The Blondes set an alarm to go off once they’d been at the CLAM BAKE for an hour. They didn’t want to leave Dorinda alone for too long, so it’s time to go. So what happens then … LOL … possibly the greatest moment I’ve ever seen on a Housewives show EVER EVER EVER. The ladies pack up to go food from this HUGE and GORGEOUS food spread. Doesn’t sound like a big deal, I know, except these heauxs are packing up LOBSTERS to take away. They were at this party for an hour, one of them wasn’t even invited, and now they’re packing up LOBSTERS to take to a person WHO WAS DIS-INVITED to this party. This is some next level shit right here. Real Housewives … THEYRE JUST LIKE US!
A few days later … Bethenny is doing her hurricane relief business again. This time she’s in the Carolinas. There’s a flood. Ugh. I know she’s doing good stuff and all, and I don’t really mean to make light of actual disasters BUT I really just do not care to watch her parade around saving the world with BE BEST or whatever the hell she’s calling her project. Good, job, but like … I like to keep my TV trashy, thank you very much. You can do this shit on Oprah. BYE.
OHMYGOD YOURE SO MEAN. Whatever. Like you aren’t feeling it too. I’m also pretty sure the producers are also feeling this since this segment of the show lasts for all of 2 minutes this time. Who can stay focused on BE BEST anyway when BLOOP … LuAnn is having a manic episode about her new apartment in the city. Yep. The cabaret show is so successful and awesome and she’s doing so well (and then she counts the shows with one of her gays) which means she needs a place in the city so she can be available to sing for anyone at the drop of a hat. Good job, girl, but also SETTLE DOWN.
This is probably where I should tell you I MISS CAROLE. Have I said that yet?
I love that this show CONSTANTLY makes it seem like maybe LuAnn is HOMELESS because suddenly we see her home in Upstate New York (didn’t know about that) and we were just at her place in the Hamptons, and we’re zooming around her new apartment and I’m like DAMN GINA … maybe I need to get a cabaret act, so I can pay off my credit card debt. I mean I can’t really sing either, but that doesn’t seem to stop this one from taking her shit on the road. Girlfriend is always a little self-congratulatory and EXTRA, but this is SUPER EXTRA and did she just have an extra large coffee too because … she’s being A LOT.
Over with all the drama? GOOD. ME TOO. We’re in luck because Sonja is having a party at Paper Magazine? She’s in the magazine because … ughhhhh … I couldn’t tell you, girl. Maybe because she’s a world champion hair extension wearer? No clue, but everyone is invited to the party and there are GREAT pics of Sonja EVERYWHERE. And if you thought her weave was HUGE and LONG and OVER THE TOP in the Hamptons … hang on to your hate because this wig she’s wearing at the party is CRAZY. But whatevs, she’s flitting around the party and she’s happy and Ms. Morgan deserves a good episode/season for a change.
All of the ladies are there. ALL OF THEM. AND … it really starts to feel like they might come together as ONE team (sorta) they are all trapped in this small party room together afterall … so maybe there is hope! When I say everyone is there … I really mean it … even Sonja’s psychic is at this Paper Magazine party (LOL OF COURSE SHE HAS A PSYCHIC). Tinsley is there too … with her mother … and the psychic goes right for the two of them and says Tins is going to have two kids. Lu shows up in ALL WHITE (because this bitch is an angel don’t ya know) with a gay on her arm (because that’s how cabaret stars do it, bish). AND IF THIS ISNT ALL TOO MUCH AND AWKWARD AND WEIRD ENOUGH FOR YOU … Dorinda and Bethenny are talking and being nice. Dorinda even says she wants to talk to Lu and smooth everything over and so Bethenny waves LuAnn over to where they’re sitting and . . .
TO BE CONTINUED.
Oh, my lord. I just ate my hand. I can’t wait for next week.