THESE ARE MY CONFESSIONS (RHOBH RECAP)
This season of RHOBH continues to be as irritating as a yappy dog that dwells in the purses of rich ladies and disturbs my special quiet time where I eat my lunch and try to tackle an easy-to-intermediate Sudoku puzzle. Yip, yip, bark, yip. Oh look. It’s the never ending dog controversy. Dorit has yet to acknowledge that adopting Lucy Dog from Vanderpump Dogs and then allowing it to end up in a kill shelter was careless and cruel. Apparently most of the other women are living in this state of delusion too because everyone is focused on the Teddi-LVP feud of who was trying to make Dorit look bad, rather than the fact that Dorit is a horrid selfish person who almost killed a dog when she could have just given it back to Vanderpump.
Teddi heads to Erika’s house for a tête-à-tête in Erika’s creepy chapel. Truly, Erika’s home is giving me dead-bodies-in-the-wall vibes but maybe it’s cuz her husband is the world’s oldest man so he’s basically a dead body in the wall.
Teddi admits that she had beef with Dorit before Dog-Gate. When Lisa’s employee, John Blizzard, texted her that Dorit gave away her dog and it ended up in a kill shelter, Teddi was like a dog with a bone (ugh, someone PLEASE release me from my dog-pun misery). Teddi intended to show up at Vanderpump Dogs with cameras where she could point out that Lucy Dog (now returned safely to Vanderpump Dogs) must have been returned by Dorit. This would make Dorit look bad and Teddi would win reality television. Might I suggest that Dorit doesn’t need any help making herself look shitty but go on. Teddi Teddi arrived at Vanderpump Dogs and had a change of heart. She didn’t want to make Dorit look bad on camera, because Teddi is all bark and no bite. ( SERIOUSLY, someone whack me in the head with a 2x4 PLEASE) So Teddi takes a bit of ownership over this controversy but ultimately insists that it was Lisa VP who set up her own employee to gossip with Teddi so Teddi would make Dorit look bad.
Meanwhile, Lisa has summoned John Blizzard to her house to scold him for causing trouble and to get him to admit on camera that Lisa had not set up Teddi and he is to blame for gossiping. It’s very clear he’s worried about being pilloried or beheaded and will say anything to get away from Lisa and her flesh eating swans.
Across the country, Kyle and the rest of her family are dropping off her daughter Sophia at George Washington University. It’s beautiful and sad and sweet - everyone is crying - but all I can think about is that there’s no way the Umansky’s aren’t part of the college bribery scandal, right? Like that seems very on brand for them. In fact, for every Housewife child that has attended college, I’m 100% certain there is a college bribery scandal behind them.
When Kyle returns to LA, she and Dorit are summoned to Lisa VP’s house where Lisa shows them a printout of texts from John Blizzard that proves that Teddi had plotted to announce the Dorit-Returned-Dog-Gate to the world. But Lisa doesn’t exonerate herself either since she had called Dorit before Teddi showed up at Vanderpump Dogs that day and told her that Teddi knew about the dog controversy, which means she must have known Teddi was going to find out. It’s confusing. And super boring.
You know what’s not super boring. Denise Richards. She’s irreverent and sweet. And she’s getting married in ten days. Her fiancé, Aaron, is very excited about a wedding on September 8 because eight represents infinity and what could be more true love than infinity? Denise is like “Sure hon, whatever, I don’t get numbers but that sounds nice. Can someone get me a margarita and unlimited breadsticks from the Olive Garden in Lincolnwood, IL?” We are all Denise Richards.