THE BRUNETTES V. THE BLONDES (RHONY RECAP)
Last week we were treated to a typical first episode of a season of the real housewives. We were blown all over the map playing a quick game of catch up with each of the women. There was a difference though, and you could feel it: ZERO COHESION. Usually the running around lands at one event as a kick off. We didn’t get that. Instead we witnessed a slow gathering of the troops and the gradual forming of alliances. Do I need to call somebody’s mother? I don’t like any Housewives show when there’s a fight dividing the ladies. Have your fun being catty, IT IS FUN but let’s be real … that crap is only fun for about 2 minutes and then … I wanna talk about something new (SEE ALSO THIS DOG BS ON RHOBH). Two distinct teams came into view last night (something we normally see late in a season) and they both want what we all dream of … an invite to a clam bake.
Yes. You read that correctly. I didn’t stutter, girl. A CLAM BAKE. Remember that clam bake we heard about last episode? LOL ME EITHER. Also? Who has a clam bake and what is even happening right now and why are we saying clam bake so many times? How have we suddenly ended up in an Annette Funicello & Frankie Avalon beach movie. That’s a joke for your mother, possibly even your grandmother. How are old are you? Should you even be reading this?
The Blonde Bombshells
Tinsley and Sonja arrive at Ramona’s in one piece, Sonja is so delighted and excited about surviving Tinsley’s Bentley test drive she can barely contain herself. She jumps out of the car screaming about what a good driver Tinsley is. I wonder how much Scott paid her to screech about it to the cameras? They unpack their zillion dollar car and GASP Tins has brought caviar. You’d think she had brought a sack of marijuana the way everyone’s eyes explode. It reminds me of what I look like when I see my first Cadburry Egg of the Easter Season. But then they get distracted because Sonja is wearing CRAZY hair extensions. Girlfriend has a TON of extra hair. A TON. It’s cute and fun and they’re all excited about it, but Dorinda gets extra excited because she has decided they’re going to have FUN this weekend. How’s that you ask? Well, by gifting everyone with a mermaid costume, of course! They get dressed (complete with shell bikini tops) and prance around Ramona’s place wearing the costumes and OK fine it’s sorta adorable and I can’t wait to see whose underwear goes in the freezer first.
Meanwhile the brown-haired girls are still at Bethenny’s place … sorry my dudes DON’T @ ME but it’s not as much fun as Ramona’s … even though they try to lighten the mood and prove they’re FUN by talking about dudes and the last time they had sex. You know I love The Countess, but she can’t handle it when the focus isn’t 100% directed at her, so she changes the subject back to the blonde girls and dinner plans. She’s throwing a dinner tonight. LOL THROWING A DINNER … you’re going to a restaurant in the Hamptons, sweetheart, calm down. She wants it to be a night to celebrate everyone who was there for her during her darkest days. Sonja wasn’t there for her, but Lu really wants her to be at the dinner. Why? Me thinks … because she knows this will really stir the pot since Sonja is blonde which means she is currently WITH The Blondes.
LuAnn wants Sonja there so bad she calls her on the phone … like with her mouth. A phone call you guys. Like who even does that anymore? Do you call anyone other than your mother? I know I don’t. It’s super awkward. Sonja obviously wants to come, but The Blondes thought she was having dinner with them (CUE CRAZY FACES FROM RAMONA). The yellow-haired girls are clearly not welcome at dinner with The Brunettes and so, Sonja ends up being caught in the middle. I don’t know how she doesn’t explode. It’s a miracle. We should write The Academy and ask them to send her an Oscar … the super cool and chill vibes she’s giving off during this whole mess deserve a trophy.
WHAT TEAM WILL SONJA PICK OH MY GOD DRAMA. It’s like we’re in high school all over again. Speaking of, can you pass the Boone’s Farm?
Sonja ends up going to dinner with The Brunettes. And if you thought that phone call was A LOT this dinner is a shit storm of tearing this poor woman to pieces. Babs (for a new girl, Babs sure is getting a lot of air time and I ain’t so sure I’m a fan) goes on and on about Lu’s delicate state and how she shouldn’t be around Dorinda. In fact, she goes on to say only people Lu is comfortable with can be at the clam bake and she’s happy to disinvite people if necessary (ie Dorinda and Ramona).
This is when we learn about Lu’s lowest point. It seems our girl The Countess fell in love with a mansion in Upstate New York. She drank a couple bottles of rosé and started calling around asking friends for 6 million dollars, so she could buy the place. We also learn that Babs and Bethenny were running around deleting emails, and calling people to kill LuAnn’s drama and basically forced Lu into rehab. I get it, they’ve been working hard to help their friend, so they’re all fired up, but I don’t know … chill for a second and try to put out all the fires. DORINDA IS A PERSON TOO, Y’ALL. GAH. Babs, who has been on the show for all of 10 minutes and has now officially had more to say than Tinsley who has been on the show for 3 years, uses this story to make it clear Dorinda is not welcome at ye old clam bake. She tells Sonja that Tinsley is welcome to come, but D can’t unless she calls Lu and begins to make amends.
Tired yet? Should I remind you how DELICATE BABY LUANN is currently on a national cabaret tour and Dorinda is the least of her worries, or nah?
Let’s go back to The Blondes and have some fun, shall we.
The most dramatic thing that happens at dinner with The Blondes is Ramona takes a spin around their restaurant to check out a dude who made eyes at her when they arrived. She stops by his table to flirt because that’s how Ramona rolls and … all 4 dudes at the table are homosexuals. Hilarious? I guess?
Then, it’s the day of the clam bake!
Ramona is apparently all about learning this season. Her tennis coach shows up to give them a lesson. He’s cute. He’s almost as cute as the swimming teacher from last week. He plays/teaches tennis with the ladies for a bit. Omg can you imagine getting paid to play tennis with these girls? WHAT A MESS. Once they’ve had it with tennis, (LOL about 20 minutes later), The Blondes get an update on Sonja’s dinner with The Brunettes, which of course turns into a gossip sesh about LuAnn.
Sonja interrupts everyone to remind them about THE MF CLAM BAKE (every time I type it I get a little more annoyed). She tells them Tins and Sonja are invited, but the others are not because of Lu’s delicate state, which basically makes Dorinda and Ramona burst into flames. Sonja explains to Dorinda she just has to call and smooth everything over with Lu. This prompts D to call Barbara to get the news on the invitation herself. She ends up going off on Babs telling her she’s not apologizing to Lu because of one slip up over their 13 year long friendship.
Bethenny is with Babs and she hears the whole conversation since these fools always have their phones on speaker. LIKE OHMYGOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT IS CRAZY. Bethenny sits there all wide eyed and giggly eating it up. The Brunettes review everything and expected Dorinda to not call Lu and apologize.
Have I mentioned I miss Carole yet? I miss Carole.
Dorinda is really upset over the whole thing and decides to send LuAnn a text message since she doesn’t feel like she can call and talk to her. Once Ramona approves the text she hits send and waits.
Lu gets the message while she’s out shopping for … THE CLAM BAKE.
Here’s a fun game. Rewind this episode back to the beginning and everytime somebody says CLAM BAKE take a drink. You’ll be asleep in about 4 minutes.
The text is a Tyler Perry quote? I guess that’s hilarious? Especially if you’re mad at someone and like the drama of being in a fight.
“When you haven’t forgiven those who’ve hurt you, you turn your back against your future. When you do forgive, you start walking forward,”
— Tyler Perry
Once Lu’s at THE CLAM BAKE she runs around laughing and shows the text to everyone. There are about 7 people at this CLAM BAKE, I’m not super sure what the fuss was about. But don’t you worry, just when you think nothing is going to happen and we’re going to have to watch LuAnn, Bethenny, and Babs eat 78 pounds of lobster … The Blondes show up to the party … Sonja and Tinsley … and Ramona .
EVIL LAUGH. I can’t wait to see Ramona throw someone in the pool next week. <3