THE LONGEST FINALE OF ALL TIME (BACHELOR FINALE RECAP)
Awkward moment after awkward moment after eyeroll moment after oh shit I fell asleep moment—welcome to the final two hours of the Bachelor finale. Why would they do this to us? WHY. They could’ve been an EPIC night with just one two hour finale. Maybe three hours. EPIC. But of course they’ve got to keep the lights on and advertise HaloTop ice cream and Longshot the movie to us so here we are, stuck watching fucking AIR SUPPLY (???) and look, I’m still recovering from daylight savings and bitch is TIRED. I do not have the grace to withstand both AIR SUPPLY and HANNAH B.
DAMN YOU CHRIS HARRISON.
The long and the short of it is, look, everything worked out in the end and these two dum dums are free to toss nuts in each other’s mouths (not a metaphor) into eternity. Or at least until the People magazine cover shoot is done.
We open with Chris desperately worried about Colton’s virginity — WILL HE BE A VIRGIN FOREVER?? Probably. Because Cassie’s brand is GOOD CHRISTIAN GIRL WITH COMMITMENT ISSUES AND PROTECTIVE DADDY so like even she’s not stupid enough to bone Colton on national TV and he sent everybody else home. And honestly, at this point, who could even care if this guy ever puts his p in a v or a b? Like I really don’t care. And I sort of like him and his puppy dog self now, but like, look, sex between these two doorknobs is gonna be dull and, real talk, I don’t care about it.
Anyway, Colton arrives at Cassie’s hotel and I can’t say she looks thrilled. She’s doing a lot of deep breathing and heavy exhaling. I like her outfit tho, I’m into a light jean and leopard print clog moment. He tells her he dumped Tayshia and Hannah G. and she’s shocked. She just clutches her face and says “What?! This is crazy! I can’t believe you did that.”
I mean she doesn’t seem thrilled. But she agrees to go to Spain to meet his family anyway.
They head to Spain and he’s all smiley and happy and wearing a salmon-colored denim jacket, which is a mistake. Colton reunites with his family and announces HE’S NO LONGER A VIRGIN!!! They’re all high-fiving each other when he’s like, JK! His mom’s disappointed. It’s all weird.
Cassie’s freaking out in a bandage dress and ankle boots. What is her personality? Honestly. Scaredy-cat? Child? This entire episode she’s just looked red-faced and shakey and like she might pass out. She’s nervous that they’re going to give her an inquisition. She’s a wreck. It’s hard to understand her. Like is she a wreck because she feels guilty because actually she doesn’t want to be with him? Or is she a wreck because she’s 23 and stranger danger?
WHATEVER, IT MUST BE LOVE.
Cassie gives everyone a hug and seems to have recaptured some of her California charm. His parents are like are you girlfriend boyfriend or what? And I’m LOL. Check yes no or maybe. Like c’mon, it seems like we’re a little past that, no?
THEN! Because there are literal HOURS to fill, we have to watch these two bozos go on date! Colton’s got a Jeep. She’s nervous. They’re gonna repel down the mountain and she is SO NERVOUS. She’s SO SCARED. She’s FREAKING OUT. I’ve gone from liking Cassie and thinking she was adorable to wanting to give her a Xanax and a Super Soul Sunday podcast.
THEY MAKE IT DOWN THE MOUNTAIN, GUYS.
She tells a story that her previous boyfriend was controlling and that’s why she’s too nervous to have a relationship. He’s like it’s ok you can have hobbies (??!!!) and a girls weekend and I’ll have a boys weekend and we’ll come together. Lol. Just like everyone’s understanding about what relationships are is like WOAH. They go to dinner and she gives a bad speech with a lot of likes. She says she wants to be all in with him. They’re happy. Is that banana on her plate?
LIVE! in the studio, Chris Harrison is really working overtime to fill these minutes. He brings out more eyeroll Bachelor alums as if anyone could give a fuck what a guy named Goose has to say. We have to see Colton in the shower one more goddamn time before they bring these two walking Fit Fab Fun subscriptions on stage.
Then we have to watch them watch a video of them watching a video of Cassie reading a journal about her love for Colton. DID YOU CATCH THAT. Yup. He gives her a final rose. Chris gives them a trip to Thailand. Then Colton won’t reveal his virginity status. If you didn’t see that coming from day one, then you are as silly as these two.
Chris brings out Air Supply for a performance? WHAT. Colton and Cassie dance, rose petals are shot from cannons, a video of their journey plays, and I feel nothing. I guess maybe vaguely happy for Colton who after all of this has come out looking like a nice guy, if a little dim.
Colton has a rose petal stuck in his hair and he keeps insisting on spinning Cassie around.
This is a terrible finale.
Now let’s make it even worse with 40 minutes of HANNAH MUTHERFUCKING B. Caelynn may have gotten the crown but Hannah B has gotten the Bachelorette, okurrrrr! She’s wearing an entire curtain down her left arm and look, she seems like she has a hard time making sentences so I don’t understand how she’s the Bachelorette.
If we can make it through this 45 minute bachelorette reveal we can make it through anything. But now I’ve got Jeremy texting me that he thinks Hannah B. is “charming” and I’m like, well if you like idiots wearing curtains on their arms and everyone screaming ROLL TIDE!!!! for the rest of your life, then sure. But for me, it’s gonna be a long spring.