TWO HOURS OF TRULY EXHAUSTING GOODBYES (BACHELOR RECAP)
Look, The Bachelor’s gonna Bachelor, it can’t be stopped. Chris Harrison is gonna make you sit through TWO HOURS of filler if he dang well pleases and no one cares if you don’t like it! You’re gonna sit there and you’re gonna comment on the flat ironing of Colton’s hair and you’re gonna look at your watch five million times and that’s just the way it’s gonna be. We’ve come this far, we can’t give up now! If Colton won’t give up, if Colton can stay and fight, SO CAN WE.
I can’t lie, I really enjoyed this Mission Impossible: Colton’s Virginity opening. Did you see when that van rolled up, door splayed open bank robber style, ready for Chris Harrison et al to jump in and track down our man? The producers seriously can’t believe they lost him and they are like, SEARCH THE BRUSH. What genius had this idea? As if this 6'4" football player crawled under a bush and is just hiding there hahhaahaha, I’m dead. Obviously he’s just walking down the street. There are A LOT of people freaking out. And when they eventually spot him from the van, they make Chris run to catch up with him and this light jog really winds the shit outta our boi Chris and I’m worried.
Colton, being led to the van: “I’ve had a lot of reminders that I’m not enough and each time it just makes me stronger so I’m ok with it.”
Chris, breathing heavily: “Look, some other bitches love you, tho.”
Colton: “Ain’t tryin ta hear dat.”
IT’S THE NEXT DAY AND:
LAWD. They send Chris back in to deal with this mess. Poor Colton’s just trying to keep it together. He thinks having Tayshia and Hannah G around is what messed things up with Cassie. Um, does he know something we don’t? Because Cassie’s problem never seemed to be about the other girls as much as it was about not wanting to get married, so…. Anyway, COLTON WILL FIGHT 4EVER FOR CASSIE!!!
Chris, ever the voice of reason posits, but what if Cassie is just not that into you?
But Colton, ever the romantic, thinks Cassie loves him and drops his second stolen rom-com line of the season: “Cassie completes me.”
THE DUMPING OF TAYSHIA
All I gotta say here is Tayshia is good at keeping her shit together in front of the cameras and she continues her whole friendzone, would make a good girlfriend, schtick by comforting Colton the entire time he’s dumping her. Sigh. When he hugs her a mic picks up the sound of his racing heart and has there ever been anything more romantic than that? LORD.
Tayshia joins Chris LIVE! and she looks great, she’s got some extra hair, but I want to put a bright lip on her. She’s sad. Sadly, it’s confirmed she’s too boring and speaks too softly to be the bachelorette because this is a real snooze. Tayshia wants to know from Colton what was missing in their relationship but all I (and apparently all of Twitter) want to know is what’s going on with his hair? Did someone flat iron it and then stick it up in the back? This is some 2002 type shit.
THE DUMPING OF HANNAH G.
Elfin Hannah is journaling her heart out and looking forward to her overnight with Colton. SORRY BITCH.
He tells her she has been his rock through all this and that she still reminds him of home. Barf. She’s shocked. She says she makes everyone better and then they don’t stick around. Well, make yourself better girl. Bet on yourself, this won’t be the first time a dude disappoints you, mmmkay.
Interesting no one has asked him if Cassie loves him. Now he’s crying and not sure if he’s making the right decision. He leaves, he cries, what is he doing, he wants to know. He hugs a producer and cries and says he’s scared. Lord. He’s not sure if he’s giving up a sure thing for something that’s impossible. But that’s how much he loves Cassie, he says, he’s willing to walk away from someone that great.
LIVE! at the studios Hannah G is crying. She looks like she got some lip filler. Her earrings are very razzle dazzle for this sad situation. She’s still confused, she’s been dreading this day. Hannah is no longer in love with Colton because he doesn’t love her, so there. One person in the audience claps.
Colton’s back and he’s smoothed his hair down. She doesn’t deserve to be a back up plan he says. She says what cassie did to him, he did to her. WAHHHHHHH BURRRRN SHADE.
Chris tells us gravely that things are not looking good for Colton losing his virginity. UGH FUCK they’ve brought out Racist Garrett, Boy Next Door Ben, Crying Blake, Kaitlyn’s Boyfriend Jason. I don’t care about anything these fools have to say. Chris keeps asking them what Colton’s gonna do and will he take a leap of faith?? and trying to pump up the drama and I’m like, well, Colton’s already said a million times he’s gonna fight for her so this isn’t like a great mystery you guys, obviously the next TWO HOURS will be dedicated to his stalking of Cassie.
The last quote we get from a fleeing Cassie: “I can’t wait to be home and move on with my life.”