ROSES AND DRY HUMPING (BACHELOR RECAP)
Tonight Colton must face his greatest fears: girls who would rather spend their lives schlocking laxative tea on Instagram than schtupping him.
But first, Colton must kiss Heather Never Been Kissed. She prepares with a thorough Sonicaring.
HEATHER NEVER BEEN KISSED 1:1
Heather Never Been Kissed is SO EXCITED for this date. She vocal fries all over the place and then mounts Colton on the shores of a beach in Thailand. HOLD UP BITCH THIS AIN’T HOMETOWNS. Girl, you don’t know this fool, why you think you get to mount him in greeting? This is some straight ouroboros-I’ve-been-watching-this-show-since-I-was-9-type-shit. FAKE!
Heather Never Been Kissed is gorgeous. She wears essentially no clothes and has the Naomi Smalls of legs. Unfortunately, as we get to know her we find out she is also an idiot. Sad trombone. The more she talks, the stupider she seems. It’s sad, she’s Jessica Wakefield with out any spark of manipulation or intelligence.
Idiot or not, SHE WILL GET HER FIRST KISS ON NATIONAL TELEVISION DAMMIT. As foreplay, we’re treated to a lot of shots of Colton’s scraggly beard mouth with noodles hanging out if it. Sexy? NOPE. He feeds her some of the noodles and she eats her hair.
They return to the beach and fireworks go off (like in the sky, not a metaphor, these two bozos are completely sparkless) and he bestows upon her an awkward first kiss and a grateful nation is relieved that Heather, who is 22, has now felt that sweet sweet joy of an awkward kiss from a man who cares nothing about her.
HEATHER GETS THE ROSE.
BACK AT THE RANCH
Elyse is crying because other girls are going on dates and its so romantic in Thailand. She’s real fucked up because her date was like a romance novel and now she has no validation. Cassie gets the next 1:1 and Elyse is taking the first bus to meltdown city. BITCH HAVE YOU SEEN THIS SHOW? You are not about to get a one on one when other heauxs haven’t even had one yet, lawd.
Elyse will not be treated as just another heaux among heauxs! She curls her hair and fashions an updo and puts on a prom dress while all the other gals are sitting around in their midnight clothes pretending to be interested in Heather Never Been Kissed’s First Kiss. Suddenly Elyse storms out and these Sherlocks just know something is up! One of them notes Elyse is in her “statement dress.” AHHAHAAHA.
Elyse arrives at Colton’s room in her gown. She makes a bad speech. Like not eloquent at all. She’s crying, but the Botox makes it hard for Colton to tell what’s really going on. It takes him a minute to realize she has put on this gown to dump him. Hahhaha, I mean I would’ve worn my sweats.
GOODBYE BOTOX ELYSE.
Colton leads all the girls through a jungle. I wouldn’t trust him with this shit. They stumble upon Colton’s “friend” “Joe” who was raised in the jungle and he’s going to show the girls how to survive in the jungle. JOE? Nice whitewashing. ABC. LORD.
Hannah B is eating bugs and shit again. There are eels and scorpions and I can’t tell if Colton is impressed or what. A snake pees on Colton and he runs away.
Hannah B tells Colton she’s falling in love with him. Huh?
Onyeka starts up some pretty lame drama about Nicole and, sorry, I can’t get excited about it. Nicole is clearly not a threat and it just looks tacky af when you’re punching down on national television. Tayshia defends Nicole. Onyeka is like “I’m not spreading rumors!” except she was totally spreading rumors. Nicole’s crying. Onyeka looks like a dick. Colton broods by the water.
HANNAH B GETS THE ROSE.
Cassie and Colton make out and dry hump each other for this entire date. They go to their own private island. It doesn’t even have a tree but they’re really proud of it anyway. The boat putters away and honestly, I would be nervous but they just make out and he grabs her ass.
Colton makes a toast. He thinks Cassie is soooooo special. I mean, she seems smart and ok. Until she starts telling us that her family and community might not know that she’s not a virgin and what kind of judgement will she get? Are we in Victorian England?? What is happening? Is Esther Prynne gonna roll out and tape a big NOT A V onto Cassie’s bikini? I’m so so bored by Trump’s America in my fucking Monday night trash.
Colton tells Cassie that he will never judge her and she can be safe with him. HA! These fools clearly have never been in a long term relationship. They’re back in Colton’s bed and they feel like they’ve known each other forevvvvvver! Kissy smoochy snoozy. He tells her he’s crazy about her and she’s so happy.
COCKTAIL PARTY NONSENSE
Tayshia’s got one of those wish lanterns. He makes some bs wish about their relationship. And then they send it off into the skies to litter the ocean and choke a whale. Demi’s got trust rings for her and Colton. Did Kirpa just floss his teeth? Nicole gives a speech about Onyeka bullying her. Onyeka then bullies Nicole and yells at her and calls her a liar. Colton goes to intervene. They continue to yell so he goes to brood on the beach. Kill us all. Both Onyeka and Nicole try to follow him and he’s like I NEED SOME TIME ALONE. JUMP THE FENCE COLTON JUMP THE FENCE.
TO BE CONTINUED.