SPLITTING HAIRS (RHOBH RECAP)
RHOBH is unquestionably the richest housewives franchise because whenever these ladies travel, no one fights over rooms. On all the other franchises, it’s like the Hunger Games when arriving to a hotel. Not on RHOBH. On this show, every room is the Presidential suite, room service food is Michelin Star, the champagne is on ice, and a team of butlers awaits to draw their baths, feed them grapes, and tell them they’re pretty or whatever a team of butlers is wont to do.
Also, some of the women travel with their glam squad, which seems next level conspicuous consumption but according to Erika, who doesn’t leave home without her indentured stylists, if these women don’t bring a glam squad, it’s not that they can’t afford it - it’s just that they’re too cheap. Tacky, gaudy, garish, totally unhinged, sociopathic. These are words I’d use to describe these women. But cheap? No.
Here we are in the Bahamas at the most luxurious resort, in the most luxurious rooms, with the most luxurious team of butlers, so presumably everyone should be luxuriating in luxury without a care in the world. But alas, it is not so. For Dorit gave away a dog that she adopted from Vanderpump Dogs and it ended up in a kill shelter and this drama has been playing out for three episodes, which is an eternity in dog years.
But first, we drink. The women meet for drinks on Dorit’s terrace, a word which she pronounces as obnoxiously as someone who speaks in an ambiguous “international” accent would. They’re all glammed up except for Denise, who’s wearing an outfit she might have purchased as Forever 21. Erika is wearing a clip-on ponytail that is 70-inches long, which tells me that her glam team is losing their touch. I get that extensions are an important part of the RHOBH aesthetic but she’s more pony than woman at this point. REIN it in. Pun intended.
Lisa VP stands off to the side with Kyle and reflects on her brother’s death. She tearfully urges Kyle to reconcile with her sisters because life is too short. Kyle insists that she wants to do so but then she wouldn't really have a storyline on this show. We’re not tuning in for more shots of her entire family decked out in The Agency swag. I like real estate and all but I don’t want to marry it, ya know?
Lisa Rinna sashays over just as Kyle and Lisa make a veiled reference to the Dorit/dog situation but they remain mum when Rinna digs for gossip. Lisa VP and Kyle exchange knowing glances, Lisa R raises an eyebrow, the wind blows, and I’m pretty sure I’m now watching a telenovela. It’s not bad actually.
The next day Kyle and Teddi reveal to Lisa R that they found out about the Dorit/dog situation from an employee at Vanderpump Dogs. Lisa R is convinced this was a set up. Lisa VP is up to her machiavellian tricks, getting other people to do her dirty work for her so she can make others - in this case Dorit - look bad. UM HELLO. DORIT GAVE AWAY A DOG SHE ADOPTED AND IT ENDED UP IN A KILL SHELTER WHEN SHE COULD HAVE JUST GIVEN IT BACK TO LISA. That seems pretty indefensible but perhaps I’m here alone, shouting at clouds, about the Real Housewives, which to be fair, is also indefensible.
Lisa VP and Denise book massages together and we learn that Denise’s adopted daughter is non-verbal. Denise seems like a kick-ass mom and a great advocate for her daughter and I’m not sure why I’m surprised. Maybe it’s because she was married to Charlie Sheen...yep, that’s definitely it.
Later at lunch, Lisa Rinna declares that everyone should air their grievances if they have any. Lisa VP breaks down and tells Erika that she was hurt that Erika only sent a note and didn’t call when Lisa’s brother died. Erika thinks a note was totally appropriate and feels Lisa is being disingenuous and trying to bring her down. Because she suspected Lisa would take issue with her note, Erika saved a picture of it on her phone to prove how thoughtful her note was. Which is odd because if you suspected Lisa would take issue with the note, presumably you would have found another way to express condolences. But Erika’s point is that Lisa is a snake who wants to make her look bad. Um, I’m pretty sure that 70-inch ponytail did that already.
At dinner, Teddy raises the Dorit/dog issue because she feels that everyone has been talking about it and Dorit should know. Lisa VP denies setting up anyone to do her dirty work and proclaims she’s been trying to protect Dorit, even as she continues to clearly bear a grudge towards her. Dorit cries because she thought they were past this minor nuisance of her almost getting a dog killed. Lisa VP then accuses Teddi of gossiping about the situation, which Teddi is NOT having because Teddi is an accountability coach and she will take accountability when she needs to and now is NOT that time. Rinna is basking in the glow of taking down LVP and holds Dorit to her bosom, petting her while repeating “you don’t deserve this.” Denise Richards is chugging wine asking WTF is going on, like the drunk aunt I didn’t know I wanted. Denise Richards may always be a little tipsy but she is also the voice of reason on this show. Denise serves as Shakespeare’s fool of RHOBH - goofy but not a fool at all. I have a feeling she’ll be lightheartedly surfacing some hard truths this season, but, like, in a sexy not-so-sober way.