WE MADE IT TO HOMETOWNS (BACHELOR RECAP)
Just when you thought you couldn’t look at these same four women and man-child any longer, the Bachelor producers take pity on us and trot out their families for our enjoyment. Girl, you know I love judging these families. ~ YOU ~ KNOW ~ I ~ DO ~ And I don’t even feel badly about it because look, everyone is in on this joke. If you’ve sent your daughter off to be an Instagram model as a career, imma laugh at your deep fryer in the backyard, it’s just the way that it is.
But before I can talk about Stepdad John’s undershirt, khakis, and New Balance, this:
OH MY WORD. Bless your heart, Colton. I hope you’re not under the covers dying of shame right now, cause I would be. After washing away his sins, Colton stares at himself in the mirror. He’s not even moisturizing or anything. Just staring. Is the weight of all his poor decisions crashing down? Are we seeing Colton’s first existential crisis? Nah, Colton’s not gonna understand the meaning of any of this until like ten years from now.
Did that say Virginia? I thought she was Miss North Carolina? Good thing I don’t really care.
Caelynn’s shown up with her eye on the prize. She’s got a horse and carriage (every man’s dream) and her powder blue leather jacket says: I’m tough, but sweet. Her tits are out which says: DTF. Her smile is plastered on and she clings to his arm like a leech. They eat ice cream and she puts her cone on his his face, not a metaphor, because she saw that in a movie once. They sit in a park and say some shit to each other. If this isn’t true love, then I don’t know what is.
There’s a sweet little backyard bbq waiting for Caelynn and Colton at her mom’s house. Caelynn’s stepdad looks like a pastor and behaves like one too. Caelynn’s sister has clearly seen this show because she literally uses “steal you away” language on Caelynn while wearing orange eye shadow with her massive breasts spilling out of an orange crop top. SEE YOU ON BACHELOR IN PARADISE, GIRL.
Pastor John tells Caelynn that her description of her relationship with Colton sounds like friends. SHADE. Caelynn thanks Pastor John for being her dad and he winces like he’s been shot and then he cries. Colton asks Pastor John for his #blessing and Pastor John gives a sermon about lifelong commitment. Then they watch some home videos…in a stairwell?
Caelynn tells Colton that she’s “fully” in love with him as opposed to “falling” in love with him. LORD.
ELFIN HANNAH HOMETOWN
Colton and Hannah happen upon one another in a park. She mounts him in the traditional greeting. She’s gonna show him what the south is all about. Are they going to do something really racist?? Nah, they’re going to go to an etiquette class so Colton can learn to be a Southern Gentlemen. Oh, ok, so just like low-key racist.
Colton looks straight up TERRIFIED, which is hilarious. Don’t you literally hurl your body at high speeds into other men? Like this is gonna be about using a fork, calm down. Elfin Hannah preens and poses next to Colton while the etiquette chick gives him the low down. I’m expecting her to break into full on hairography at this point.
Colton walks around with a book on his head and yes yes, we’re all very impressed with his posture. Colton tries to cut his roll in half and gets a BLESS YOUR HEART. HHAHAHAHAH, the south is trash. Then the etiquette chick launches into what must be a Christian umbrella metaphor and the outcome is: Is Colton ready to hold an umbrella over Elfin Hannah?
Over at Elfin Hannah’s house, all I can say is: SO MANY LET ME TALK TO THE MANAGER HAIRCUTS. One of her besties (cousin?) has the most intense let me talk to the manager hair since Kate Gosselin. Colton gives a speech and Hannah’s mom sucks her teeth. Hannah’s mom is like if the sea witch Ursula was a southern lady from Alabama, and I mean that as the highest form of praise.
Elfin Hannah gives Colton the I’m falling in love with you and he gives it back and it’s all kissy smoochy in front of her mom’s house. THE ROMANCE.
Tayshia mounts Colton in a park. And then she blindfolds him because their relationship is all about trust. They get in a jeep and he’s very nervous about her driving, not sure why.
They’re gonna go skydiving, they’re very scared blah blah, he doesn’t want to die because he still has to lose his virginity. They jump out of the plane and some straight up American-Idol-inspo-montage-music plays as they float to the ground. It’s so weird to hear a real song on The Bachelor! Is this the first time they’ve ever paid for music rights??
Over at Tayshia’s family’s house, Tayshia wears a necklace that spells out T A Y S H I A and Colton is riding high from his skydiving triumph and says he’s not even nervous to be there anymore! Tayshia’s dad is like YOU SHOULD BE, BRO. There’s a lot of talk about Tayshia’s divorce and not wanting her to get hurt again. Blah blah. Her mom is cute, I like her and her blowout. Colton and Tayshia’s dad have THE TALK and it’s supposed to be exciting but it’s boring and Colton walks away with dad’s #blessing anyway.
They’re at the beach. She mounts him but doesn’t wrap her legs around him, does she even love him??
They’re gonna go surfing. He’s never “done surfing” so she’ll give him a lesson. Colton says Cassie has “the perfect balance of sexy and cute,” and like BRO THAT’S A LINE FROM CRAZY STUPID LOVE. Thanks a lot for reminding me there are other things I could be doing.
Look, I know there’s been a lot of talk about how Cassie isn’t ready to get married and he’s an idiot for continuing to choose Cassie when all he keeps saying is his biggest fear is choosing someone who’s not ready at the end but basically I’m in love with Cassie for giving us all these shots of Colton falling on his ass in the waves. Thanks, bitch!
Cassie won’t tell him how she feels until she gets her family’s opinion so we head on over to meet straight up Edward Cullen’s family from Twilight, like what the hell. All these sparkly skinned bitches. Cassie’s mom has SO MUCH BOTOX. Is she even alive in there? Cassie’s dad circles the reunion like a rabid dog.
Cassie chats with her sister who is, of course, beautiful and google tells me, an actress. She looks all botoxed up too, which seems odd since she’s like 12, and while I’m here I’m also gonna say: nose job. Jealous of those eyebrows tho, girl! Cassie’s mom talks with Colton in artfully torn jeans and like her face does not move. Her forehead is so shiny. Cassie talks to her dad, he gives her a hard time. He’s like, girl, you’re 23, you don’t have to rush anything. And she’s like, you’re scaring me, I don’t want you to be mad at me!!! Which is a very 23 year old thing to say.
Basically Cassie’s entire family thinks she can do better than Colton. I am impressed by their confidence.
She won’t drop the l bomb on him and he’s sad.
There are literally SO MANY LANTERNS in this episode. Like they cleared out at least twelve Pier 1s. Caelynn’s out and she immediately hugs Cassie and tells her to get engaged, which is weird AF and not helping their whole “this is a game” look.
Next week is the week we’ve all been waiting for: the uncomfortable reality of Colton’s virginity and