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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

A PIECE OF (UNEATEN) CAKE (RHOBH RECAP)

A PIECE OF (UNEATEN) CAKE (RHOBH RECAP)

What do you do when you’re sad? Curl up with a good book? Go out with the gals? Visit a plastic surgeon and huff laughing gas while he shoves needles in your neck? No? Just Lisa Vanderpump? According to Lisa VP, there’s no better way to shake off the blues than grabbing Kyle and visiting ye olde face doctor for some non-invasive, very painful neck rejuvenation. Side-splitting fun!

Meanwhile Dorit, Lisa Rinna, and Erika meet for lunch and they all look like they’ve been cast as extras in Flashdance.

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Dorit is planning a luxurious trip to the Bahamas for the ladies, which she definitely is not paying for because all the tabloids are running stories about how bankrupt she and PK are. Don’t tell her accent that. Her accent is very rich, very international, very Beverly Beach.

Hear that voice? It’s the voice of an Irish grandma from the southside of Chicago with the body of a Sports Illustrated model. Who could it be? You got it! It’s Denise Richards. It’s episode two and Denise has shed those first episode jitters and she’s going FULL Denise Richards. Remember, Denise had the two-season reality show It’s Complicated in the mid-aughts so she KNOWS how to create a storyline. We are reintroduced to her three daughters, including the youngest, Eloise, whom she adopted. Denise laughs as she recounts the truly uproarious rumor that Eloise was the product of Charlie Sheen and a hooker. Denise! For the sake of your daughter’s pride, DO NOT GIVE LIGHT TO THAT RUMOR. LET IT DIE!

Her eldest daughter Sami wants a boyfriend but Denise forbids dating until she’s 16. So obviously, to prove that she and her very stable and rational ex-husband are both on the same page, Denise has Sami call Charlie Sheen so that he can also forbid her from dating. In a surprise to absolutely no one, Charlie’s all “We trust your judgement. Whatever you wanna do. You’re 14 so if you want to become a stripper and get married to a stripper pole, go right ahead. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders.”

Denise is also engaged to hot Aaron, a guy who works in some vague new-age health and fitness job helping people...screw it. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is Denise was a client and they diddled in his office and now they’re set to be married! As of this episode, hot Aaron is still going through a divorce with Nicollette Sheridan, who was also married to Harry Hamlin for a few months until she left him for Michael Bolton. Leave it to the RHOBH to make Nicollette Sheridan and Michael Bolton relevant again.

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On a picturesque hike, Teddi reveals to Lisa Rinna that when she first moved to LA she tried her hand at acting and was told to lose weight. This sent her into a tailspin and she gained a ton of weight over the next few years. Lisa admits that everybody has body issues but denies being anorexic. Bravo is like, “hold my beer,” and gives her the shadiest edit with a bunch of flashbacks of her not eating over the years.

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Lisa chalks up her eating habits to the entertainment industry’s beauty standards. Which is code for “I have body dysmorphia.” Amelia, Lisa’s daughter, later reveals that she battled anorexia last year and I can’t help but wonder how much Lisa’s food issues affected her daughter. The generational cycle of deprivation and self-loathing seems so apparent. It’s soured me on Rinna a bit. But not worry, I still hate Dorit the most.

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Kyle visits Mauricio at The Agency. Kyle is distressed because another one of her 10,000 children is heading off to college. She’s so distressed in fact, that one of her eyes has started to droop. Anxiety, she claims! Which is code for “I have had too much plastic surgery.”

STOP THE SHOW. Giggy needs a pacemaker. But he’ll be fine because LVP and Ken spend the equivalent of whatever amount could solve global warming on this tiny dog’s care.

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Ken and Lisa meet up at Villa Blanca to discuss the ladies’ impending Bahamian getaway and to take a few digs at the Dorit and the dog scandal. I mean a real dog, not PK and his furry little body and his drooly little mouth. Also Lisa orders avocado tartare which I’m pretty sure is just avocado with the word tartare added to the end.  

Then most of the ladies gather for a “baking class” at Lisa Rinna’s house where they put candy inside a chocolate mold and no one but Erika eats anything. Denise, who is getting cooler by the second, is very dubious that this is a baking class because there is no dough. But most of these women don’t eat fat or sugar and most definitely not dough so you could hand them some Lego pieces to stack together and tell them they’re baking and they’d believe you.

Then, just like that, the ladies board a private jet to the Bahamas where Lisa VP makes sure Dorit knows she hates her, just kidding, she loves her, just kidding, she hates her, just kidding, or is she?

RUSSIAN DOLL FOR ASTROLOGY LOVERS

RUSSIAN DOLL FOR ASTROLOGY LOVERS

SCALE TALES: IS THIS THING ON?

SCALE TALES: IS THIS THING ON?