WHY WON'T COLTON JUMP THE FENCE (BACHELOR RECAP)
Another episode in which Colton does not jump the fence and two hours feels like the right reasons the right reasons the right reasons the right reasons the right reasons the right reasons the right reasons the right reasons
Colton doesn’t know who he can trust, it’s so bad he’s got to get on the Colton Cam to tell us about it. He can’t believe there are people there who aren’t ready for this! I don’t know why he can’t believe it? He thinks the girl who’s been kissed for the first time ever last week is ready to get married? Or KIRPA? Who he’s talked to one time? HOW ABOUT COLTON IS NOT READY FOR THIS. Colton is emotionally immature and a pain in the ass and now we got to go to Denver so he can be held in the bosom of
Colton meets up with Bachelor Ben who is “reading papers at the bar.” Hahahahaha. Ben and his puppy dog eyes are here for Colton. COLTON IS QUESTIONING EVERYTHING. Colton looks at Ben with pure love. God, I wish this season would end in Boystown. Or with a Drag Race crossover. Like RuPaul shows up and in the gag of the season crowns BOTH Cassie and Caelynn as ALL-STAR QUEENS.
Colton meets the girls in a park and he’s got an old ass dog with him and everyone is super squealy about it. All the girls squat around the dog and coo. Blech, that dog is gross, sorry about it. Tayshia is going on a 1:1.
They’re going to experience what Colton would do on a regular Saturday. They start with oysters. Is Denver known for oysters? Then wine tasting. This doesn’t seem like what Colton would do on a normal Saturday (unless he was with Bachelor Ben). Then they get ice cream and Tayshia purrs about Denver. Colton lets his dog lick his cone, not a metaphor. They go for more drinks. I really don’t see the sparks between these two at all and honestly, it’s clear he’s friendzoned her when he asks her to spill the tea on the other girls and comfort him about his choices and fears. REAL ROMANTIC. For future reference, “I trust you to tell me the truth,” = FRIENDZONE.
Tayshia says some of the girls aren’t here for the right reasons and she calls out Cassie and Caelynn specifically. Back at the ranch Cassie and Caelynn were just freaking out about this. Tayshia buries them when she says they’re both planning to be the Bachelorette after this.
Colton just keeps saying MY GREATEST FEAR.
They retire to an Air B&B to cook dinner. He stands behind her and insists on helping her cut carrots. If a dude ever did that to me I would be so pissed. He almost chops her finger off. Then he demands to know about her family and how they feel about her being on the Bachelor. Blah blah her dad is over protective and no one wants her to get hurt. Colton says he can’t bend the knee without a father’s blessing and then shows her the Air B&B’s mediocre bedroom.
She wears a jersey with his name on it and they make out.
TAYSHIA GETS THE ROSE.
Colton and Caelynn go snowboarding for point two seconds before it’s time to get down to business, IS SHE HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS?? It’s basically a back and forth between what Colton HEARD and what Caelynn FEELS. Then Caelynn tells us (re Tayshia):
“She’s an insecure 28-year-old. Fuck her. I better get a fucking rose because I will call that stupid bitch out.”
Zut alors! That’s not very pageanty of you, Miss Thang.
They whisper talk to each other at dinner over the same shit. When’s he gonna jump the fence!??? She drops the I’m falling in love with you bomb and it makes it all better cause he’s falling in love with her too! (Read: he wants to bang her.) WHEEEEEEEE. Oh lord there’s some concert at the red rocks. As usual it’s some obscure musician with an aggressive light show on the stage. Oh shit, I just fell asleep for a minute.
HANNAH B 1:1
Hannah B. gets to go to Colton’s mom’s house. She’s wearing a crop top and I wonder if she’s got the sense to be embarrassed about that. But she also showed up earlier at the dog park in basically an Urban Outfitters bra with pantyhouse over it so bitch is really not reading the date clues well tonight.
I feel like Colton’s mom looks a lot different? Did she lose weight? She’s got a cold shoulder top on, that seems right. I did a quick google image search of “colton underwood mom” but all that comes up are pics of Aly Raisman. SEEMS ABOUT RIGHT. Men!
The parents are all drinking wine. Colton and his dad go to talk by the fire pit because MEN MEN MANLY MEN. Colton’s dad is very squinty and coaches him literally like a football coach. You gotta make a choice. Follow your instincts. Stick to the plan. Trust your gut.
Hannah talks to Colton’s mom and isn’t she just cute as a button? I dunno, she also seems like a dummy, I don’t want to get stuck sitting next to her at lunch. SHE WILL NOT STOP SMILING! AND YOU CAN’T MAKE HER!
Colton needs this evening to find out if he loves Hannah. Hahhahaha, like is that how it works? He wants to know how she knows she’s ready and she’s like, well, I’m ready to get married because there’s nothing I think I’d be missing out on. HAHAHAH, yes, you got it, that’s marriage exactly. He’s like, I don’t think I’m there with you and she smiles. This girl! Then he gives her the, I know there’s someone for you, someone’s going to make you incredible happy bit, and makes her hug him in her princess pageant gown. Lord. I’m mad at him for making me feel bad for Hannah B. She makes some cryptic remarks about listening to people about other people’s intentions. Lord.
He has still not jumped the fence and dammit wasn’t that in the preview for this week, it’s all I’m living for??
Important question: is Kirpa stoned all the time? “It’s about to go down,” she says in her best Keanu. But like, more tired.
A train a train a train! The girls squeal. Heather Been Kissed One Time Gets on the Train, rides it to the destination, and then tells Colton she’s gonna peace out, and get’s back on the train home. HAHAHAHAHA.
Cassie and Colton talk. He clearly wants to put his p in that v but is gonna make her suffer through the inquisition first. ANY WIFE OF HIS WILL BE READY! She doesn’t know why girls are making stuff up blah blah tears.
Kirpa, clearly in the friendzone, runs to tell Colton her impressions of the girls and how Cassie is NOT READY. So now Cassie and Kirpa have to fight. There’s a lot of “Katie said this,” “why would Katie say that,” and I’m all “who’s Katie?”
Elfin Hannah gets a rose so it’s down to Kirpa or Cassie. I mean, PUH-LEASE. Clearly Kirpa’s going home, Chris Harrison, I am insulted you’re making me watch this nonsense. Then Caelynn crashes this de facto 2:1 date to defend Cassie? Weird move if you’re trying to get married to this dude, no?
CASSIE GETS THE ROSE.
Next week is the best week of the year: HOMETOWNS. Just when we thought we couldn’t take one more minute of this, everyone’s wacky families get trotted out. Remember JoJo’s mom and her WINE. DEAN’S DAD??? CANNOT WAIT.