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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

OLD DOGS (RHOBH RECAP)

OLD DOGS (RHOBH RECAP)

Clearly our Bravo overlords got the message that last year’s RHOBH was an anemic snoozefest and this year’s most dramatic moment should be more inspired than “Was Dorit super late or just kind of late to brunch with Teddi?” Straight out of the gate, we’re teased with a knock-down drag-out fight between Lisa VP and Kyle with a soupçon old-man Ken screaming unintelligibly. The fight quickly jump cuts back to present day. Wow! Just imagine how many other Beverly Hills housewives were burgled in the time between these takes. Seriously, apparently this burglar is only targeting cast members on this show and I imagine living in a mansion made entirely of RHOBH handbags.

This episode also sets up a lot of great tension that will never be as good as Season 1 Psycho Psychic but will still get the job done.

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First off, Giggy - Ken and Lisa’s alopecia-plagued Pomeranian - fell ill on a trip to Aspen and was flown home in a hyperbaric chamber that was probably meant for a small child who really needed it but Lisa stole it from the ailing child and had it repurposed for her aging dog because Beverly Hills. We soon learn that Lisa is coping with unspeakable tragedy as her brother recently died from suicide. This is a profoundly heart-wrenching story but it’s playing out on Reality TV, so in one moment we watch Lisa VP struggle in her grief and in the next shot we watch Lisa Rinna and her daughters do a “Goat Yoga” class because this form of television is just that crass. And yes, goat yoga is exactly what you think it is. You do yoga. Goats are present. When future generations wonder what finally caused our capitalist system to crumble, we’ll hear Milton Friedman whisper from beyond the grave “goat yogaaaa”.

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Erika and Dorit get together to drink champagne and stare at a plate of carbs while Dorit recounts her harrowing tale of being robbed - they took everything but a horrid necklace her horrid husband gave her. Burglar has good taste. It was so traumatic that she jetted off to Utah to hike and recenter herself spiritually. After hearing Dorit’s ridiculous accent again, I need a trip to Utah to center myself spiritually. It’s very triggering. Dorit also explains to Erika that she adopted a dog from Lisa VP’s shelter only to find it too unruly and so she gave it away to a seemingly caring woman. Yada yada yada the dog ends up in another shelter, Lisa VP is contacted about this (her dogs all have chips implanted in their doggy Louboutins) and the dog is returned to Lisa. Erika is like “Lisa must be pissed.” Dorit is like “Not at all. Boy George. Crumpet. Squeal.” Famous last words.

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Over at Lisa’s doggy rescue center, which is styled as a “dog cafe,” Teddi and Kyle are learning about this drama from Lisa’s business partner who is furious at Dorit. When you adopt from their dog cafe, (seriously the more I write dog cafe, the more I start believing dog cafes are a normal part of life and I’m losing my grip on reality) you sign a contract promising to care for the dog you adopt. Lisa VP tries to shut the whole conversation down in an effort to deflect negativity from Dorit but everyone can tell she’s extremely bothered by the whole ordeal. Lisa ribs Kyle over not visiting her new restaurant; Kyle screams at Lisa for being hard on her; and balance is restored. Then Lisa VP breaks down about her brother and Kyle comforts her. Meanwhile Teddy coaches each of them on how to express their emotions maturely because she’s an accountability coach with a thriving accountability business. It’s almost. Too. Riveting.  

Yay! Denise Richards has arrived! All anyone can talk about is Charlie Sheen, which she laughs off like her patience for Charlie references is limited and if you keep on talking about Charlie Sheen she’s going to rip out your eyes, and that will be such a waste of the perfectly good eye lift you just had.

The episodes concludes at a BBQ at Kyle’s new house that is no longer robbed bare. Lisa Rinna offers up some pop psychology about how Lisa VP pushes all of her feelings deep deep inside her, right where her ribs meet her tummy tuck. Lisa Rinna harping on Lisa VP’s mental health is giving me Munchausen's flashbacks from a few seasons ago and I’m breaking out in hives. Now I’m definitely booking that spiritual retreat to Utah.

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